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Discuss I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth! in Welcome on Rear Party; Hi guys, I'm new to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He's in the royal engineers and has been in training for all the time we have been together. ...
  
  1. #1
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Hi guys,

    I'm new to this forum.

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He's in the royal engineers and has been in training for all the time we have been together. He finishes his last course on Tuesday and he'll be sent back to Chatham to find out where his unit will be.

    I'm REALLY worried.

    Being on the South Coast I am a long way from most of the units he is likely to go to. I love him very much but I don't know what will happen to us if he ends up at the other end of the country. I have a job here which I worked hard to get, and all my friends, so I don't know if I could drop everything to move closer to him.

    There are no army bases near where I live so I've never known anyone in the military before and I don't have any friends with military boyfriends. It's all very new to me. I try to talk to my friends but they have no experience to compare it to. So I feel really alone with my fears and worries because I don't like to burden my boyfriend with them too much. (He finds it harder to be away from home when he knows that I am struggling with it.)

    I try to be as patient and supportive as I can be but I really don't know if I can cope with a long-term long-distance relationship. And I don't know if I can do the alternative which is to give up everything, including my career which is important to me, in order to follow him.

    I don't want our relationship to end like this. I don't want it to end at all. I'm terrified that they will put him at the opposite end of the country. Not being able to talk to anyone about it has been eating away at me like crazy, and I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't get it out of my system!

    Do you other guys ever feel really alone in all this?

  2. #2
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    You know, you really need to work out which is the most important to you. Once you've done that it's an easy decision to make either way.

    You can pretty much bet your life that he'll be posted a long way away and don't forget he could end up overseas. Speak to him about it he'll probably try to do his best to put your mind at rest. That way you won't feel so alone either.

  3. #3
    Senior Member yoni's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Hi Babes
    Long distance relationships can work - although I never had to do the training bit - I spent nearly 2 years apart from my oh - we commuted every couple of weeks, also then went to weekends for a year - we now live to gether (the last year).
    xxxxxx

  4. #4
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Thanks guys,

    I have been talking to him alot about this but he's so worried about it himself that he is finding it hard to talk about it. And I don't want to make things harder for him than they are already. He's 28 so quite old compared to most soldiers finishing training and I guess he's got alot more to leave behind than an 18yr old who has relatively few ties to their home town.

    YONI - its reassuring to hear about how you've made it work. I have had long distance relationships in the past when I was at uni but then I had the advantage of long holidays and flexible free time which my boyf obviously won't have in the army. But it's good to hear that you managed to see each other every couple of weeks.

    How does single soldier accommodation work?

    Will he get his own room or have to share?

    Can girlfriends stay or will we have to be spending out on hotels all the time?

    I'm sorry if these sound like stupid questions but I really have no idea how things will be or what to expect.

  5. #5
    Senior Member scotsbird's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    they live on camp and they might share a room with 2 or three guys then on the other hand he might be lucky and gets his own room (have to be really lucky)... you wont be allowed in the lines so you would have to stay in a hotel or B&B .... or you can get a welfare house for weekends or holidays (depending on where hes gonna be posted to)
    going crazy back soon!!!

  6. #6
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    What is a welfare house?

    Can he get any help with rail fares? I can't drive and he doesn't have a car (likely we'll have to do something about that). We already spend a fortune on rail-fares and travelodges and he's only 3 hrs away at the moment.

  7. #7
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Accommodation depends on where he is. Whether you can stay depends on the rules where he is.

    If you decide you want to make it work then the best thing to do is stop worrying about whether or not it will work and concentrate all your energy on making it work. Too many negative thoughts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. There will probably be sacrifice involved on somebody's part at some point but don't create problems that aren't there yet. He may be posted somewhere near you.

    Also don't overestimate the time he'd be around if you were living close together - Mr K's lot came back from op tour at the end of last year and aren't due to start their next lot of pre-deployment training til next year but I reckon he'll have been away about 5 months in total this year.

    I've got so used to it I'm quite happy that when he leaves the army he's probably going to work offshore and be away about as much as he is now

  8. #8
    Senior Member choc-chip-cookie's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    I agree with Kazzam. Try not to fret too much until you know where he'll be based.
    If you're both sure you want this relationship to work then you have to learn to deal with your new circumstances and work with them.

    When I first got with my OH, he was in Germany in a little room in a block with other singly men and we'd see each other once a month BUT....you make the most of the time you have together and that time is so precious and meaningful. Check out the comments on the other thread "whats it mean to you to share your life with a soldier".

    Will PM you.....
    choc-chip cookie x

    Some people are like slinkies, they're really good for nothing...but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!

  9. #9
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    You're right. I shouldn't worry till I know where he's going to be. I'll find out on Thursday. Can't help being jittery about it until I find out though.

    There is one engineer unit that is not too far away -Maidstone at 3-4hrs away. Unfortunately all the others are at least 5 hours away.

  10. #10
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Cookie- I did have alittle look at that thread...but it made me cry!

  11. #11
    Senior Member Eye_of_Newt's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Quote Originally Posted by sushiwo
    Cookie- I did have alittle look at that thread...but it made me cry!
    I thought the other thread was brilliant - especially the comment about having to write all plans in pencil and not pressing too hard.

    Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

  12. #12
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Yeh, I thought that summed it up so well.

    My poor boyfriend gets such a hard time from me about never being able to plan for anything!

    Several times we've paid for a weekend travelodge and then they've told him, Fri 5pm, that he's gotta work the weekend. So frustrating.

    My current favorite rant is about how I can't book a holiday because he has no idea when he will get leave. Last year we had 1 day warning before his leave and I had to call up my boss and beg for a week off with zero notice.

    He's promised to try and take me surfing this summer but I can't let myself get excited about it incase I end up disappointed.

    When he's finished training and in his unit will he have more idea in advance when things like summer leave will be? Or will it always be a last minute affair?

    He thinks that we'll know more about what is going on all the time when he's in his unit rather than training...but neither of us are very sure how it will be.

  13. #13
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Depends on your definition of last minute. We've known for a while what month summer leave was probably going to be and found out last week the almost definite date (subject, as ever, to change) which is a few weeks away. I keep being lulled into a false sense of security by being told dates for things and then having them changed two days beforehand. I have yet to establish how much of this is genuinely last minute and how much is due to him just not telling me until the last minute

  14. #14
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    He He! I'm constantly probing for more information - usually more than he knows himself -which is probably quite annoying for him!

    How do you guys ever book holidays abroad when you don't know if they will change leave dates?

    God, I'm such a rookie at all this! I'm sure I don't even know the half of the dramas to come.



    Anyway, I had a good idea for this weekend, (ie after he finds out where he's moving to). I'm gunna get all his friends together for a night out in brighton and I'll get tickets for the comedy club. Just spoke to him on the phone about it and he sounded the happiest I've heard him in weeks! So even if he gets some bad news this week about moving away he'll get a last good night out with all his mates before he leaves.

    We've already planned to have a picnic in the park during the daytime, just the two of us, so we can have a good talk about everything. (I thought I was less likely to spend the entire time crying if we were in a public place!)

  15. #15
    Senior Member yoni's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Hi susie – thanks – my oh was in england at the time and I lived in n Ireland – I don’t get many hols (late Friday and Sunday flights, or oh visting and I had to work during the day)!!!!! – managed to get through it and glad I had!!
    You’ll get some great advice from the people on the site – they gave me great advice!
    xxxxxx

  16. #16
    Senior Member sushiwo's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Wow that's pretty good going Yoni. Proves it can be done.

    I was beginning to wonder if being a career girl and going out with someone in the army was an impossible feat!

  17. #17
    Senior Member schlafenmonster's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    I was beginning to wonder if being a career girl and going out with someone in the army was an impossible feat
    It's not. You both need to understand each other and work at the relationship, a bit of giving and taking - the same as any other relationship...
    I have the mens rea, fancy an actus reus?
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  18. #18
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    Ah you'll be fine - if you want it badly enough you'll find a way, most of us do

  19. #19
    Senior Member sarahjng's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    hi sushiwo

    its been a while since i went through it but i found the only way was to be grateful for all the time, it sounds silly but it worked for me.

    enjoy the time you have together, and enjoy the time when he phones and says he can't make it, buy yourself a bar of chocolate and say ' thank god, now i can slob out', when he turns up without warning, fly into his arms and don't worry about wether your underwear matches, just kiss him silly, above all, don't sit indoors by the phone and cry if he does'nt call, charge your mobile and go have fun !

    sarah

  20. #20
    Senior Member yoni's Avatar
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    Re: I'm new to all this and feel out of my depth!

    just pm'd u
    x

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