Thread: Tell Auntie Doris

Got a problem?? :?

Need some straight talking advice?? 8O

Well, tell Auntie Doris all about it!!

I'll stick the kettle on, you can have a winge, and we'll get your life sorted out.


Any chance like????? :wink:


Warning : Auntie Doris does like her filth, so be prepared for some Smut

Dear Auntie Doris,

My man is leaving tonight for months and months away, what is the best thing to give him as a memory of home

A sad Ting

Originally Posted by Ting-Tong

Dear Auntie Doris,

My man is leaving tonight for months and months away, what is the best thing to give him as a memory of home

A sad Ting

Dry yer eyes, Ting. :wink:

Well, i could suggest the usual tat that tourists buy - A top saying " My friend went to Ireland and all i got was this lousy T-Shirt", a fetching mug with a picture of the Giants Causeway on it.

But i won't. 8O

My advise to you is to make sure the kids are busy, get him on his own, unzip his flies and say goodbye to his little soldier in your own special way. :wink:


Note to self : i think a warning should be put on this thread to say that sometimes Auntie Doris can be a bit rude ops:

xox :wink:

Dear Aunti Doris,

Why is it that i want the men i can't have/don't want me, but i really can't be bothered with those i can have/do want me?

also, why are the best one's taken, gay or priests...(sometimes all 3)?

Lonely and newly single, hating all men!

Originally Posted by Wee_Mac

Dear Aunti Doris,

Why is it that i want the men i can't have/don't want me, but i really can't be bothered with those i can have/do want me?

also, why are the best one's taken, gay or priests...(sometimes all 3)?

Lonely and newly single, hating all men!

catch yerself on!!

It may seem the best ones are taken, or gay or priest ( and sometimes all 3) but there are some good spuds out there.

The "Bad lads" may be attractive, but they are ar**eholes who will love themselves more than you.

From experience, a person can look absolutely gorgeous and either be:
a: A complete barsteward
b: A boring barsteward, who will nick your toiletries.


The "good ones" are just shy and are the quiet ones your mum warned you about. Angels with the parents, Devils in the bedroom :wink:

Failing that, Dry yer eyes, take yerself off by the hand and visit these people - Sin Delights

Dear Auntie Doris.

My man has gone away on a course and i now have no one to warm my feet on in the cold of a night. I have tried a hot water bottle but i waken in the morning with feet colder than the night before due to it going cold.
Should i possibly invite the postman to take his place, even though he is past retirement age, has a face like a bag of smashed crabs and a body to match?

Yours desperately freezing

Bossy.

Originally Posted by bossyboots

Dear Auntie Doris.

My man has gone away on a course and i now have no one to warm my feet on in the cold of a night. I have tried a hot water bottle but i waken in the morning with feet colder than the night before due to it going cold.
Should i possibly invite the postman to take his place, even though he is past retirement age, has a face like a bag of smashed crabs and a body to match?

Yours desperately freezing

Bossy.

Are you not wise??

You've only just got rid of one man so why invite another dirty hallian into yer bed?

Nah, let's look at the real problem here. Your other-half has buggered off on a jolly and left you to freeze at night. Catch yerself on! What you need to do is get your arrse on a plane and jet off to warmer climates. Then all you'll have to worry about is your feet getting too warm!

If this plan is beyond your price range, then you can always use one of these to roast your feet to within an inch of their life before you go to bed so they will stay warm for the morning.



If this is looking strangely attractive to you, then may i recommend This travel website

By heck aunty doris, thats a cracking idea
That will go a treat with my floral crimpolene frock.

Happy to help

Dear Aunty Doris,

I went to the Doctor with a wee problemette but he said that I was just being stupid. I said I wasn't having any of that and demanded a second opinion. So he said I was feckin' ugly as well.

Apparently this advice wasn't covered on the NHS and now he has given me a bill for £lots.

Should I pay it?

Confused of Soroba

Originally Posted by soroban

Dear Aunty Doris,

I went to the Doctor with a wee problemette but he said that I was just being stupid. I said I wasn't having any of that and demanded a second opinion. So he said I was feckin' ugly as well.

Apparently this advice wasn't covered on the NHS and now he has given me a bill for £lots.

Should I pay it?

Confused of Soroba

Are you not wise???

I could've told you that you're feckin ugly for free!!!!

He sounds like a quack anyway. He was probably late for his golf game or something. With regards to the bill, I would tell him where to stick it. Also, send him a bill for wasting your time, loss of earnings and stress and anxiety. That last bit was from deprivation of Rear Party time of course.

Never mind this NHS malarchy. Next time you have a problem of this kind, come and tell your auntie Doris.

My old granny told me that most ailments that can be fixed with some bread, a coathanger and a can of WD40

..

There is farther south than Dover you know

..

Originally Posted by Party_Pixie

Dear Aunty Doris,

My friend has just called round flaunting her new 40DD chest. I thought mine were ok before this but since taking a shower have realised they are so far south, i should be living in Dover!
I cant afford a new pair myself and have tried fillets, only to have them fall out onto the dancefloor when im pished.
Im besides myself with envy and have urges to stick a needle in her and watch as she zooms into the air like a deflating balloon.

What can i do and should i/how can i control my urges?? :roll:

Appologies for my tardy reply. I have been indulging in some filth and frolics on the mainland for the army v navy rugby game. Reliable sources informed me the score was 9 - 3 to the army. But i had already got fed up and gone to the pub at that point.

Anyway, so your friend thinks she looks like a classy bird by sticking some jelly in her boobs?? Well, we all know how posh Jordan is, don't we??

My advice is to ditch the chicken fillets. They are not reliable and after a couple of days, you'll start stinking like an abetoir. i have one (potentially two words) for you

Wonderbra!!!!!!!

They are fan-feckin-tastic when it comes to hoisting them up and pointing them in the right direction. Being of the larger chested persuasion myself, even though i still pass the pencil test now, there will come a day when my boobs will become knee warmers. So i keep my girls in check with one of these babies.



Hey, if it can work for the flat chested, glorified coathangers that are super models. Then it can work for anyone!!


Now when it comes to your friend, i say stick 'er. Purely for you own gratification. How dare she have the cash to defy mother nature. But, however, you must do it subtley. Otherwise she won't take you out on the pull with her, therefore, you won't get drinks bought for you by men who think that by getting in with you, they will work their way onto your mate and her non-moving orbs fo desire.

One way of stabbing your mates boobs with a pin is to buy her a really "tasteful" bra as a present to cellebrate her new endowments. Have the pin cunningly concealed within the fold of fabric then get her to try it on and model it for you. You must remember to pretend that the bra you have bought is the best thing since sliced bread and she won't be able to refuse to wear it incase she hurts her feeling. May i suggest the most minging looking one you can find in a charity shop

and remember this

..

Originally Posted by Party_Pixie

Thank you Auntie Doris, and with your kind words of wisdom i know need a pish bag :lol: :lol: xx

Any offers to empty it

Aye, loads!!


The options you empty your pish bag are numerous.

You could do it over your friend with the huge, fake chebs. Accidentally on purpose of course. Employ a pin similar to the one you used on her to pop your bag over her head. Slap it up er.

You could use it on an ex who has spurned you. Tis always a bonus. When he starts sniffing round again, after his bint that he left you for has kicked him out. You could pretend to take sympathy on him, invite him back for "coffee" and put some of your fluids in it.

The option to have a sympathy shag is up to you, but be sure to make it look like he's lagged the bed while he sleeps. A quick spurt of your wee towards his side of the bed and bob's your uncle. You then have the satisfaction of chucking him out. Even better would be if you pushed him out of your front door nekid with his now whiffy smelling clothes in a bundle at his feet (obviously you will have 'spilt' some of the urine on his clothes too).


+ =

Ahh, memories

PMSL......I havent laughed so much for ages! Auntie Doris you realy need to offer your wisdom though the newspapers, your own page and become megga rich whilst solving many a problem!...Ive noted the 'Ex' solution and wow wouldnt that be so so tempting :lol: xx

Originally Posted by Party_Pixie

PMSL......I havent laughed so much for ages! Auntie Doris you realy need to offer your wisdom though the newspapers, your own page and become megga rich whilst solving many a problem!...Ive noted the 'Ex' solution and wow wouldnt that be so so tempting :lol: xx

Ahh, that would be class, wouldn't it?

But I'm afraid some people just listen to what they want to hear. Maye the masses aren't ready for my straight talking advice.

They need to cath themselves on and start listening to a simple, no-nonsense approach to solving problems.

With regards to the ex solution, I think the smug satisfaction you would have about it would keep you smiling for ages. Tis a memory to look back on when you are feeling down. The thought of that would make me smile instanstly.


Happy Days !!

:wink:

Dear Auntie Doris!

I have a wee problem of another stalker, I seem to attract them and I don't want them. Yet I find my self having a new one each month.

Can you please 'dorisfixitforme'

Thank you