Thread: Tell Auntie Doris

ok i have a problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right its about spelling the word 'their'
they teach u at school i before e except after c....... there isnt a c in their so shudnt it be thier???????????? or have i got it wrong and im just stupid??

Originally Posted by Josephine

Dear Auntie Doris!

I have a wee problem of another stalker, I seem to attract them and I don't want them. Yet I find my self having a new one each month.

Can you please 'dorisfixitforme'

Thank you

Ah, Josephine, where do we get these mingers. I myself have been subject to the odd stalker. I can give you the various hints and tips i have used to get rid of mine.

The trick is you use good escape and evasion techniques. If you know they are going to be somewhere, aviod it. If they know you are going to be somewhere, change your habits and avoid it. This is for occasions where the stalker is a casual acquaintence. If the stalker is in work then avoiding it isn't the answer. You will just end up getting the sack 8O

If it is the office lathario who is bugging you and you cannot avoid him, then try to look as busy as possible. If he does try to engage you in conversation, then it's the old one word answer game. Have your head in loads of paperwork at the time and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Like so :

Stalker : " Hi Josephine, how are you "

You : " Grand"

Stalker : " You busy?"

You : " Aye"

Stalker : " Do you fancy meeting for a drink later?"

You : " Can't"

and so on and so forth until he goes away.

Always be sure to carry a clip-board under your arm if you have to walk through the office so you can look like you have somewhere really important to go to.


Now, if the stalker has your number or knows where you live, you will have to advise your friends that you may miss their calls due to avoiding the creep. Get a phone with caller ID on it so you can see who's call you are avoiding. If they come to your door, YOU ARE NOT IN. Try to make the house look as empty as possible, until they have gone away. Do not under any circumstances answer it and engage in conversation. This leads to beverages being consumed, the suggestion of alcofrol and then finally the sympathy shag which is a big no-no when it comes to stalkers.

They do say prevention is better than a cure, so i do have one final trick to try and stop you attracting the creeps in the first place. It's saturday night, you are in a club, you 've just had a great night with your mates. Then , here he comes, another potential stalker. You will normally find this is at 10 to 2 in the morning and you are his last ditch effort. You will not get rid of him until you finally give up and go home, launching yourself into the nearest taxi you can find and leaving the rest of the night with your mates behind you.

There is a point when the club is about to close where they actually turn up the lights and start herding people out the door. It is at this point you must strike. When the last song is on and he is pestering you for a slow dance, make your excuses and go to the toilet. Then, insert these babies :



Be sure not to come out of the toilets til the song has finished and the lights have come up. Under the cold florescent lights. he will believe it has been the alcofrol telling him you are a stunner and that he has been wearing his beer googles. Thus leaving you free to carry on the party with your friends.

These are just a few to get you started. I will try to remember some more if you need them

:wink:

Originally Posted by rhian

ok i have a problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right its about spelling the word 'their'
they teach u at school i before e except after c....... there isnt a c in their so shudnt it be thier???????????? or have i got it wrong and im just stupid??

Tis the way of the world i'm afraid wee luv. Or it is the way of the English language anyway.

What they teach you in school is true but they also tell you there are always exceptions to the rule. Your logic is correct but wrong.

In life , there are always exceptions to the rules. Such as , all women have cellulite - except the mutated, gazelle like, glroified coat hangers that are supermodels. :evil:

Also, the all men are barstewards rule - except for that bloke who has been your mate for years and you want him but you just can't have him cos he is either a. Married or b. Gay with a perfect partner in both respects. :evil:


and breathe..........

May I recommend this book :




I hope this helps.

If not, then yes, you are stoopid 8O

:wink:

Right, I am off to drive a landrover very fast accross Germany for the next week.

If you have a problem, leave it here and i will get back to you as soon as possible. Feel free to winge as much as you like. I can give you a slap when i get back

xox Auntie Doris

Dear Aunti Doris
i am currently teaching my OH how to drive.
now i didnt go into this with rose tinted glasses on, thought he would be a great driver and not argue with me when a shout brake, BRAKE, OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS ALIVE BRRRAAKKE!

so i have taken a step back, and he is just practicing in my car now. i am worried aunti doris, seems to be a slight power struggle in the car that i never noticed before,
how can i be a better teacher and stop having near death experiances flashes when ever we put those L plates on and venture out in the car

i know u are away so i will await ur msg apon ur return!
georgie

I appologise profusely for not replying sooner. Due to a trip to Germany with the Firm and the fact my t'interweb has been broken for a whole month!! (Do not go with Bulldog broadband 8s)

Georgielass, there are two bits of advice I always give to couples to help have a happy relationship

1. NEVER go shopping together

2. NEVER teach each other to drive.

The two rules above don't need much explanation. If you break either one, expect rows and arguements aplenty.


Normal Auntie Doris mode will be resumed shortly. Well, after yet another course from 'the Firm'.

Oh joy :roll: