Thread: Need advice on stepson

Hi everyone, just joined the site after reading it and admiring what you girls are up to from afar. Never felt the need to register, but I have an issue that I need some advice on; It's not really something that I feel I can approach anyone else with, but thats the beauty of anonymity.

My name is Michelle, I'm 35 and married to a soldier who is currently away in a sandy place. We have no children together, but he has two children from a previous marriage, a 12 year old girl who lives with us in our quarter, and a 14 year old boy who is at boarding school, and comes home on exeat weekends or the school holidays.

I've never had any issues with either of the children; they're both hardworking, polite, well spoken, respectful, doing well at school and quite frankly, a pleasure to live with. After hearing some of the horror stories about stepchildren/wicked stepmother scenarios, I like to think I am pretty blessed. Their mother died from cancer when they were both quite young, and they lived with his parents for a few years, so he didn't have to give up his career. In short, I was happy to take the children on and give them a loving stable home, especially after the hardships they had both been through.

It's difficult for me to explain my problem. I've typed it out and deleted it four times already! Not to mention the two glasses of Shiraz I have drank trying to compose this! Anyway, here goes.

Our son was on half-term from school last week, and as far as I could tell, did the usual 14yo boy things; caught up with his mates, stayed out later than I told him he could, went to a football match with his uncle (my brother). I think he has started smoking, but I can handle that to be honest, it's probably a phase he will grow out of.

However, I have noticed that sometimes things aren't in the place I left them. It's been driving me crazy, I don't know whether it's Alzheimers kicking in early. When I say things aren't in the place, I don't mean he is stealing from my purse or anything like that. There was a case last year when my husband caught him trying to take £5 from the milk money he had left on the kitchen windowsill; he took the grounding and happily we haven't had any more of that sort of thing.

I mean to say that some of my more personal items seem to be rearranged (you know, my top drawer, that sort of thing). Quite frankly, it's freaking me out. I placed some of my more "excitable" items in another drawer, and when i went back later it looked like a whirlwind had been through there. So, all in all, it's pretty clear for me what he is doing (he is a teenage boy after all....) I have even noticed things in the laundry basket have been disturbed, for instance if I have put things at the bottom, when I go to them to do the laundry, they are suddenly at the top.

I haven't got a clue what to do or say. My husband isn't back until after the New Year, and I am dreading the Xmas holidays. I can't make it obvious that I know what he is doing (by hiding my underwear or otherwise), and I am not sure I can say anything to his face; it's been pretty daunting writing this post. Should I even tell my husband? It's making my skin crawl when I think about it, but I haven't got a clue what to do. Has anyone had to deal with this sort of thing before (I hope not, it's not a very nice position to be in).

Please help. x

Hi, sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. I don't know much about teenage boys to be fair, with my teenage years being half my life ago, what little I did know i've soon forgotten.

I don't know whether this will work, but I think you need to make it obvious that you know to embarrass him. You know, dropping subtle hints, maybe even leaving notes so he knows that you know. If he thinks you don't know or are to shy to say something then he'll carry on.

If he thinks that you think this is all rather silly and pathetic, but are not embarrassed to talk about it maybe he'll be the one embarrassed and stop. You could also try to catch him in the act. I think maybe you need to be assertive and show him who the adult in the house is. It may be mortifying at first, but you let him know he's got to you.

Personally, I'd be inclined to tell my husband. It may be better and less embarrassing for you if he has a man to man, and let's him know that it isn't on.

I think teenage boys are either just incredibly curious, or maybe he's involved in a game of 'dare' with his pals.

Either way I think it is time to get a locked 'goody' drawer or at least something you can secure your more personal items in and hide them away. same with clothes, maybe keep a washbag with all your smalls somewhere else for now.

He'll soon get the message.

Good luck

I think alot of this will depend on the relationship he has with you and his dad, can you talk openly about the facts of life, condoms, periods etc ? if you can then tell him simply to leave your stuff alone and get him a couple of magazines, if you cant then it might be time to bite the bullet, could your brother have a word ? ( I would recc you speak to his dad first about that, but swiping your smalls has to be a no-no)

Perhaps you could talk about it when your both in the car on your own, that way if it's all too uncomfortable you can put the radio on to break the silence. Not having to make eye contact will be easier for you given the intimate nature of what he's been doing.

If you didn't want to be specific - you could actually raise the issue of him boarding and his own privacy with sharing rooms and bathrooms etc. What his expectations are when he comes home and has his own room, does he expect you to knock etc. Also, with a younger sister - there will be two women in the house very shortly - and she'll be one big hormone.

It could be a way of establishing boundaries and making him aware of your needs by thinking about his own. It also lets him know that you expect to have your privacy respected in your own home. I would agree that speaking to his dad is a must, but you speaking to him might have more impact.

Actually, is it your bras that are missing - could it be your daughter. I was always taking my mums and stuffing them with tights so I could see what I looked like with boobs!

I used to pinch her tampons and inflate them in the sink as well :lol:

Try putting a post-it note in your drawer saying something like "too late - I've hidden it all" or "look in the cupboard under the sink instead."

It IS a phase, he WILL grow out of it, it's not a big problem, and like Alberta said, to a certain extent we all did it, although most of us have locked our teenage behaviour into a little box in the back of the brain where it can't embarrass us!

Hi


Crikey! Move your racy stuff somewhere else as one of them is having a quick look! Perhaps it was a dare amongst his school friends - have heard similar things from other people!

My B9 went to preschool with bra and thong on one morning, apparently as he missed me when i was at work. Was my best Agent Provacteur from my ex-boss no less. His key worker rang me in a right tizz! Lols.

By the way, i think you sound like a brilliant step-mum.

HP
X

Haha, some of your responses brought a smile to my face. I like to think I am quite a resiliant person, but this one threw me right off.

Firstly, I am 99% sure that it isn't my daughter; it never happens when he is away at school, and unless it is some elaborate plan for her to land her brother in the sh*t, which is so out of character for her, I find it unlikely. Secondly, some of the articles in the basket have had stuff on them that no girl could do.. ukeright:

I'm a little bit loathe to tell my husband now; it's hard enough for him being away from home without having to worry about something like this.

What I think I might do is have my brother have a quiet word with him when he comes home for the exeat in a few weeks. I'm not averse to him buying him some magazines or something, after all I know my other half has magazines and stuff on his laptop for when he is frustrated and away from home...Boys will be boys.

I like the idea of the post-it note. If he doesn't listen to what my brother has to say, I think that will be the next course of action.

Now, my only issue is of how to ask my brother without my face burning off with embarrassment! :lol:

Thanks for the advice, I'll let you know how it goes!

Misha X

Ewww stuff on them...


My 14 yr old thankfully doesn't venture into my bedroom but I did recently "discover" stuff on his lap top! I had a little chat to him about normal sized as opposed to 'puter enhanced!
I wasn't embarrased and neither was he...we were both rather muture about it all, me emphasising that its all part of growing up.
I do make sure that he has a box of tissues by his bed, rather that than a crusty sock!!

Oh, and HankyPanky, I don't think I am that special, I'm just another woman doing a hard job. Just like all of us here I think.

Thanks anyway ops:

Just asked Mr GS whose advice is put into acceptable English without the laughter below :roll:

I think that the idea of letting him know that you know is a very good one and perhaps might be best deployed before bringing your brother in. You do need to bring a male into this but to save your stepson's blushes, could you bribe your brother to drive him back to school or something so that he doesn't have to see you for a couple of weeks after "that conversation". It might save some red faces all round.

I suspect your brother might find this mildly amusing being somewhat removed from it on the other hand your husband might not, so not telling him just yet is very sensible.

I agree with telling your brother about it and asking him to have a few words, after all he was a 14yo once. I know my brother is always there for my son regardless of whether or not my OH is here.
Im sure your brother would find it amusing rather than embarrassing hun, I know my brother would lol

I think u are doing a great job with the kids hun, I know how hard it is to be a step parent, my OH took on my 2 kids, (he is 6years younger than me with no kids of his own)

After many years working with sexual deviants I think you should have his hands cut off.

Beebs x

Okay I was kidding!

A few points.

First It's normal. Levels of danger and excitement are set at this age and grow with the person.

Secondly DO NOT ASK ANYONE ELSE TO TALK TO HIM. If you feel the need to do so then do it. Be matter of fact and straight with him. He's a young MAN not a little boy. Ask him not to do it into your laundry, introduce him to soft porn if you think it'll help keep him contained (the printed matter, easier to police what he's looking at.)

Thirdly, go with your instinct. You are this guys MOTHER. You raised him, he respects you, there are no boundaries other than those you set to what can and cannot be tackled together.

Fourthly his father will probably go ballistic, not because he's annoyed but because he's too far away to sort it and IF he did mention it the conversation would be short as the young man can just refuse to talk about it and there's nothing his father can do.

That's my penny spent.

Beebs x

Hah, now I'm confused, but all the much better for hearing a few different opinions. He isn't home for another two weeks, so I have time to mull over this.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to tell my husband yet; if at all.

I'm not sure what would be worse either; letting someone else know about this and sharing (doubling??) the embarrassment, or just grabbing the bull by the horns, so to speak.

Well, you girls have done your bit, i'll mull over it a while and let you know how I get on. Thanks again.

Mishax

I love the idea of a post it note and totally agree that you should keep those things locked away. I know my kids have gone through my stuff and some things I've kept well hidden.lol.
As a mother of two sons, aged 18 and 20 my advice is to be incredibly open about talking about periods, wet dreams etc but DO NOT confront him directly on this. I know what stage the boys went through when I found a whole box of tampons missing (youngest one watched them all expand individually in the bath) and when they start to wash their own sheets.
This is all normal for kids. The difference for you is that you not a blood relative and if the lad is at boarding school you are, probably, not seen as a maternal mum either. This means that your things can be seen as sexually attractive even though, obviously, you are 'out of bounds'. The lad has normal raging hormones and he'll probably try to experiment on your stuff as it's available = don't make it available!
(By this I don't mean that you aren't an excellant mum as you certainly are.)
Look on the bright side - it's gonna get a whole lot worse when your daughter hits the hormone stage. lol.

May I be the first to say:

AHAHAHAHAHA, good drills that lad!

Originally Posted by Misha

Haha, some of your responses brought a smile to my face. I like to think I am quite a resiliant person, but this one threw me right off.

Firstly, I am 99% sure that it isn't my daughter; it never happens when he is away at school, and unless it is some elaborate plan for her to land her brother in the sh*t, which is so out of character for her, I find it unlikely. Secondly, some of the articles in the basket have had stuff on them that no girl could do.. ukeright:

I'm a little bit loathe to tell my husband now; it's hard enough for him being away from home without having to worry about something like this.

What I think I might do is have my brother have a quiet word with him when he comes home for the exeat in a few weeks. I'm not averse to him buying him some magazines or something, after all I know my other half has magazines and stuff on his laptop for when he is frustrated and away from home...Boys will be boys.

I like the idea of the post-it note. If he doesn't listen to what my brother has to say, I think that will be the next course of action.

Now, my only issue is of how to ask my brother without my face burning off with embarrassment! :lol:

Thanks for the advice, I'll let you know how it goes!

Misha X

:lol: OMG, :lol:


I can't get past the 3rd line it's too close to home - I've just had the porn mag chat with my son this weekend as his dad is always absent when these things need to be discussed.

I'm going to look for a bucket of sand to bury my head in for the next 6 years.

I don't want to know anything ever again. :lol:

Hi Have you considered the fact that he might be cross-dressing. I know a few guys who were sent to boarding schools, and they were secret cross dressers. May be the lack of a mum around or whatever. It doesn't mean he is gay or bi, just that he may be trying to figure things out. Is it worth making him feel bad about it? Maybe you could looking to other ideas to solve the situation. Not sure if dad needs to be informed.
Hope you get it sorted so everyone is okay.
aspin

Well, that's all just gone tits up.

I warned him about messing around with my things and he seemed to accept it. He seemed to be fine all over Christmas, never noticed a thing out of place; nothing at all.

I went out for a girls night out with some of the other girls from my work tonight, left him in charge of the house with his sister, and when I came back home I find him in our bed wearing a pair of my panties, masturbating.

I'm feeling pretty sick now, he is sat upstairs in his room, I am opening a bottle of wine.

Originally Posted by Misha

Well, that's all just gone tits up.

I warned him about messing around with my things and he seemed to accept it. He seemed to be fine all over Christmas, never noticed a thing out of place; nothing at all.

I went out for a girls night out with some of the other girls from my work tonight, left him in charge of the house with his sister, and when I came back home I find him in our bed wearing a pair of my panties, masturbating.

I'm feeling pretty sick now, he is sat upstairs in his room, I am opening a bottle of wine.

Think on..( You think you are embarrassed ). many years to come from now he'll be laughing with his mates on how embarrassed he was being caught out by his mum red handed. ( I'll put a pint on it his Dad will find it amusing )