Thread: Blast from the Past (Long and perhaps TMI)

OK, I need a bit of wisdom and insight on this one - because I am struggling.

Have tried to type this five times this morning, but I just can't put the detail in, its too awful. So basically, in a nutshell, in my early 20s I was in a relationship with someone who was a complete psycho, headfuck and nutjob (PHN). To be blunt, I spent a year living on people's floors and sofas and come out of it with the clothes on my back and 10k debt - just to get away from him.

He has just joined FB and to be honest, seeing the words come up "Bob Smith is now friends with your Psycho, Headfuck Nutjob Ex" status update has completely freaked me out. The issue is not that they are friends, as I have to be a grown up and respect that and I have for 20 years. Its just it has bought all those memories and fears flooding back and I am in a state of frenzy - have not slept properly since he joined.

How stupid do I sound - really? Oh, and in the classic PHN style everyone thinks he is a gem (especially his mother).

TLC x

You don't sound stupid, if you are or were scared of someone/thing then this is a pretty normal reaction. I don't use facefuck, but is there not a way of ensuring he can't 'see' you and visa versa?

Also, try therapy... It sounds like you have unresolved issues within your own brain. I wish I had listened to people a lot earlier, and done it years ago.

Echo what GS says, check your setting are all private, especially secure settings, FB are awful at changing things and not letting you know!

and get counselling!

Make sure your settings on fb are 'friends only' and NOT 'friends of friends'!
Don't get wound up about it, people move on and change. Has he made any attempt to contact you directly or by pumping mutual friends for info? If it really worries you, close your fb account. Don't let the tosser ruin any more of your life!

On the facebook issue if you go into your settings and account privacy there's an option where you can customize your settings- I have done this so my Ex's family can't see me or search for me on Facebook even if we have mutual friends. To them I don't exist on there

I don't think you sound stupid either. It sounds like you had a bad time with it all- life can be like that, I knew things weren't right with my Ex but its only recently since I've been able to actually talk to people more candidly about what happened that I realised it was worse than I thought when I was going through it.

It might be a good idea to seek help over it. Its ironic that I am typing this because a few people have suggested I do the same and I think it sounds pathetic even though I know they're right, so believe me, I know how hard it is to actually think you might need outside help.

My friend went to see a therapist, she was told she would need quite a few sessions- turns out she had two as the therapist said one profound sentence that clicked and everything fell into place.

Hugs x x

Thanks for all your replies, it really means a lot to me. He is married with a child which I already knew as when I was counselling a mutual friend through a marriage break-up last year his name was mentioned (by him) and he came out with the chilling information that after we split up he joined multiple dating agencies and would only date girls who were identical to me. I automatically threw up as I found it so disturbing (I was having a Latte and muffin in Costa at the time so not one of my most ladylike moments).

TLC
x

Oh no that sounds awful! You can also block him on FB, which means that he will not see if you've commented on your mutual friends status or if any of your mutual friends comment on yours. (sometimes in shows up in other news feeds I think!)
To block him though you will need to go onto his FB page and click the "block this person" link, so perhaps you could get your OH to do it for you

If you block him on your FB, not only will he not see you, but his page will dissappear from your FB altogether so you won't accidentally come across him or see that others are befriending him either!

Hugs to you! xxxx

( I have quite a building 'block-list', just a bit paranoid about people that I'd rather not come across again, and certainly don't want them knowing what I'm up to!!) xxxx

block him and thank your stars that you managed to get away from him, and just feel happy in your new far better life without a PHN, and just feel sorry for him, you had the strength to get rid of him once and all, and don't let that bastard grind you down again, he is not worth the pain, grief, worth or any more tears my darling!!! you can do this, you know that you can! Sounds of it, you had a very lucky escape!

One thing i was told by a good friend (with regards to hanging onto guilt/pain etc) is, if you were in a law of court, could you have been charged with anything (ie did you do anything bad, or was it just him being a total twat) answer no..... move on, block him and feel sorry for the poor cow who he has managed to snare now!

hugs my sweet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



o

I've blocked my exh and his entire family so he cannot see what is happening with us for exactly the same reason. He is still a controlling bully after ten years of divorce. Only difference is now I don't listen to his sh*t.

Bless you TLC, if you need it please seek counselling.

TLC - the World is a different place now and you are a different person. You have proved your courage and resiliance over and over. Just from having read your posts on here over the years I know you have balls ten times the size of that pri**. He may have been able to hurt you way back when but he sure as hell can't now, so block him on FB and stop shaking darling.

Oh TLC, many hugs.

Get a good hold of your FB security settings, block the user and set your account so only friends - not friends of friends - can see your updates.

It's only natural to have that first bout of panic, but really it's fine. There's the tools on FB to make sure the individual doesn't make direct contact.

Got to agree with the others. There is no way someone should be able to have that bad an effect on you after you have finished, and especially after so long.
Many sites including this one have a block function and out of sight out of mind usually works. However if the mere mention of his name has the effect of making you chuck up a ridiculously expensive latte, then it's time to see your GP and be referred for councelling.

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Can't add anything. Block him. Just wanted to send you a hug xx


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Oh and have a voddie on me too

Aww... I have nothing more useful to add that the other ladies haven't said already.
I've been there - where I was terrified of opening my emails and in case he had found me. Get your blocking tool out and erase him. Counselling sounds like a good idea (though like ER I give this advice and should take it myself!)
Have a hug and a large glass of wine on me xx

Can’t really say any more than what the others have said, but be strong remember who you are and what you have achieved to this day. Ihave just been referred for counselling by the dr after a pretty nasty marriage although this could take up to 6 months to access, didn’t think I need it but hey if it helps get some demons out of my head placed there by the ex then that’s all good. Never going to be easy for me though as he is the father of my child and see him every other day but he will not beat me and the look on his face knowing I am happy and adored by my OH is priceless. xx

Many thanks for all your replies, it really means a lot.

I have altered my FB settings greatly and now he is blocked, have also blocked his family and his wife.

I know we have four mutual FB friends, but quite frankly I have to be an adult and accept that, none of them know the full extent of what happened. But actually, I don't care. If I hear of anything defamatory being said I can act on purely with the amount of solicitors letters etc., in my loft.

Like you have all said, I am a different person now - not the early twenty-something girl he used to scare shitless.

Many thanks,

TLC xx