Thread: Kids, cats and husbands

This morning at 4.30 my son was rudely awoken by the cat landing on his pillow.

"Wake up Kenny!!!!! WAKE UP!!! Come and have a look what I've done!!!" he shouted, albeit in cat language, which after 10 years of living with Spike the cat, we all understand.

Teenage boychild dragged himself out of bed, and followed the black and white moggie down the stairs. There, cowering in the corner of the hallway, was a tiny field mouse. It was shaking from head to toe, and appeared to have a few dents along it's body that looked decidedly cat-toothlike.

"Waddya reckon, Ken??? Did I do good??? Reckon mum will give me a cuddle for that??? Or maybe even a slice of ham with a glass of milk???" spluttered the black and white lumpy thing.

"You're more likely to find yourself advertised in the RSPCA catalogue next month," mumbled the teenage boychild, before ambling back to bed. Luckily, he remembered to take a picture of the mouse before rejoining the bevvy of beauties on the beach he was sharing his dream with.

Fastforward 2 hours:
I opened my bedroom door to find Spike lying across the doorway, gazing up at me in that "you love me whatever I do, don't you mum?" way. I turned to the Onslow type husband thingy and warned him to be careful where he was treading because the cat was looking guilty. As I came out of the bathroom with a cold spraybottle of water (it being Monday and the kids needing a bit of extra incentive to leave their nice warm beds) I was amazed to find the son and heir sh*t, shaved and showered, and holding his mobile phone towards me.

"Spike brought a mouse in, and I took a picture of it," he mumbled.
"Why didn't you just wrap it in a bit of kitchen roll and put it in the bin?" I asked.
"I couldn't catch it, it ran away...."

Bang on cue, there was a scream from downstairs. Wannabe combat Barbie daughter had apparently located the rodent. in fact, it had run across her left foot as she was bending down to get the cereals out of the cupboard. By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, she was doing her impersonation of Fantasy Island, but instead of shouting "boss, issa plane!" she was screeching "mum, issa mouse!!!" 5 minutes of panic ensued as I assured her that field mice very rarely eat 15 year olds for breakfasts....their digestive systems can't cope with all that make up and the attitude often gets stuck in their throats.

"God, mum, you're sooooo funnneeeeeeee," she flounced, as she pushed her brother out of the way to get to the bathroom.

Roundabout this time, the husband thudded his way down the stairs, and I told him about the mouse.
"Ferkin cat...no ferkin use...needs ferkin shooting....wring it's ferkin neck...drown the b*st*rd ferkin stoopid animal," he mumbled (he's always at his best at 6.30 in the morning!)

And Spike? Where was Spike during all this? He'd made his way into teenage daughter's bedroom, curled up on her nice warm bed, and was fast asleep. 8O

I tried to appeal to his feline instincts by carrying him down the stairs, and pointing him in the direction the mouse was last seen running.

He looked blank...
"Yeah?? And??" he meowed.
"You brought the bloody thing in, now you get it out!! It's your job, you're a CAT!!" I shouted (gawd, how the neighbours must love me...)
"Sod off, muvver" (I sh*t you not, that's exactly what he said!) "I've been out all night with Ming, that pretty little siamese from 3 doors down, you expect me to summon up the energy to run after a mouse??Come back to me when you've got a sensible suggestion!" and with that he disappeared out of the catflap, made his way along the garden, climbed onto the shed (am I allowed to say SHED on RP?), started sunbathing, and promptly fell asleep.

So, to cut a long story short:
Wilkinsons just sold me a humane mousetrap, which has been strategically positioned behind the wallunit in the living room, the cat is still asleep on the shed, the husband is still planning his death, the daughter went to school with her trousers tucked into her socks, and the son is sporting dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep.

Families, huh? :roll:

Absolutely briliant!

Thanks for posting your saga, it really cheered up my day!

Cats, smug little so and sos sometimes

I don't have this problem.....my cat always eats at least half of the rodents before scattering them about! Thus making it very difficult for them to scarper! And i don't have a catflap...if the filthy rat-mog wants to chew up mice and rabbits it can bloody well do it outside!!

mine brought one in at 0530 on Sunday morning - by the time I got out of bed it was dead so using dustpan and brush chucked it into front garden(which belongs to neighbour )
I can't get the bloodstains out of the bedside rug though!!!!!!!!!!!! little mouse pawprints are not a good look.......

Brilliant post - sort of proves the theory that Cats own you and your house and not the other way around. I also think that our Cats think that THEY are in a relationship with OH - not me :cry:

I think anything they kill or trophy they get for you is their way of saying "I love you so vvvvery much". I also find myself saying thank you - no matter how mangled the offering is!

Oh, and I made the common mistake of rehoming another cat to perk up the older one and now they both sleep minimum 20 hours per day.

HP
xx

E of N what a brilliant post - made my evening. What is it about cats.....??? I had a cat once (moved off this mortal coil these days) who was absolutely useless.

I remember one time sitting downstairs when I heard the distinct sound of the corridor upstairs being used as a race track by something that sounded remarkably like a small horse. This was followed by some very heavy thuddinsg noise and the sound of scrabbling. The cat was lying asleep on the sofa underneath all this noise; not being able to stand it any more I moseyed upstairs carrying a very large poker. To be met it has to be said by one very frustrated Jack Russell throwing itself agains the skirting board in an attempt to obtain access to large rodents who were currently running a mini Derby in the safety of their run along the corridor. Dog picked up by collar and removed downstairs before a huge hole was made in the wall. Cat looked up at me as if to say that I should not disturb him and what on earth did I think I was doing anyway? Following day rodent pest controller with poison. A week laer and the week after that and the month thereafter a horrible smell in the house..... but no more rodent. Cats are f..ing useless it has to be said......

almeda...quit spamming the forums! As soon as the CO's wake up, every one of your posts will be history!

Sorry ladies, I've been a bit slow off the mark on this one!

chuck me some more forums to mod so I can jump up and down on their spammy heeds!!!

Love this post. My cat, he thinks he is a super hunter and always comes running into the house shouting very loudly 'Mum, Mum, look what I've got for you!!' Only to present me with a leaf/bottle top/empty crisp packet. I suppose its better than finding a half eaten rabbit on the kitchen floor.

My pet thug slinked into the house the other day, growling, belly to the floor, something in his mouth...a pose instantly recognisable to all cat owners. Yelling loudly, terms along the lines of "you little f**ker' I started trying to corner him. He snarled at me and shot under the dining table, RIGHT to the back...so I fetched a broom and 'encouraged' him out, very vigorously!
At this point he shot up the stairs...leaving me with visions of semi-chewed vengeful mice going for my throat in the middle of the night! Once again employing the Broom of Doom I managed to hoof him out...just in time for him to dive into the wardrobe!

Big mistake...I managed to grab him by the scruff and, conceding defeat, he reluctantly spat out his prey........

which turned out to be a sprig of buddleia!! WTF???? The only thing I can imagine is that he'd dived for a bird, missed..but being a bit dim and feeling 'something' in his mouth, failed to notice he'd been outwitted by a creature with a brain the size of a grain of rice!!

I must be a very lucky cat owner. Neither of mine have brought anything home as presents for me well besides a litter of kittens in my daughters wardrobe!! lol. Not good when youve had a few bottles of wine