Been there, written the book, got the t-shirt and have the knackered credit history to show for it. My ex refused to pay anything, in actual fact, I paid all the debts when he left and his half of the mortgage for ten years (our mortgage was just over £1k per month). He actually took out loans and then defaulted on the payments, which resulted in his CCJs being put as land registry charges against the property. The only way he would sign over the house for the Transfer of Equity was if I signed away any claim on child maintenance and took out a second mortgage to clear the charges on the house.
So in summary, for the first ten years after he left, I was subsidising his existence by paying over £1500 that was technically his share - where is the fairness in that? This country makes it far, far too easy for absent parents to cease providing for their children.
TLC x
It took 3 years after splitting from DDs Dad to get Child Support from him. He was being very tricky and every time the CSA tracked his employment details down, he left the job and got another one. Luckily the economic situation worked in my favour - after a 5 month gap between jobs he decided to grow up and face his responsibilities. All I ever wanted was a bit of help towards DD and unsurprisingly the relationship between her Dad and I has mellowed considerably since he stepped up to the plate.
Regarding childcare, I'm a SAHM since OH has buggered off to play sailorsand this is because once childcare was factored in, I would have been working for free. I didn't like my job that much. Our household budget is very much a joint budget however so childcare was never seen to be my sole responsibility (OH wouldn't have had that year being a SAHD if that's how he felt). We just couldn't afford it as a household.
"You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?"
Originally Posted by squirrel_pigeon
It took 3 years after splitting from DDs Dad to get Child Support from him. He was being very tricky and every time the CSA tracked his employment details down, he left the job and got another one. Luckily the economic situation worked in my favour - after a 5 month gap between jobs he decided to grow up and face his responsibilities. All I ever wanted was a bit of help towards DD and unsurprisingly the relationship between her Dad and I has mellowed considerably since he stepped up to the plate.
Regarding childcare, I'm a SAHM since OH has buggered off to play sailors
Just out of interest does your OH pay into a pension plan for you? Mine didn't or doesn't. But I need to get this sorted.
Not yet - not much room for paying into a pension when there's 4 of us surviving on £13k. When we have some money spare, it's definitely on the list to do. I aim to be back in work within the next 5 years though so I'll be able to sort myself out without too much trouble.
"You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?"
The system is clearly broken but any attempt at providing more rights for mothers without parity for fathers is ridiculous. The system is so heavily weighted in favour of females in Child Residency and Divorce it is completely nonsensical.
I pay for my daughter every month (and BUPA healthcare) and I will pay for my second child when it arrives but in the meantime my ex can block contact, make it difficult, refuse to speak to me unless through a solicitor and because I work and she does not she has the option to send the bill to me. :-S
The whole system is a joke and solicitors know it which is why when I contacted one his first response was "you have no rights, you are a male in the UK."
I am by no means stupid, I have an intelligent job and just been accepted to Warwick to study Law for this very reason but when you cut through the hyperbole a father has to fight tooth and nail for any sort of access and a female can use a myriad of ways to make it almost impossible.
Like the female rights thread - the minority of your sex have tarnished the majority and now some males think what is the use. An officer took the step of walking away from his children because his ex made it so difficult every single week to see them and eventually replaced him with a new Dad.
A situation I now find myself in as well.
Last edited by Steven Feeney; 15-11-2011 at 15:06.
Glad you know your place
Never had a penny off either child's father and don't intend to chase them for it either. I could fight til high heaven but why put stress on it, if they don't want to pay or refuse to? There is no guarantee they will pay, even if you do go through CSA. I'd rather the sperm donor runs and doesn't look back, than be attached to me and my kids, when they don't want to be there.
Saying that, I would never stop a man from seeing his kid but it is easy for the 'other parent' to duck out and toddle through life without a worry.
There are some terrible people out there, who have walked away without a 2nd thought, be it the mother or father
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Men are responsible, my father walked out when i was 13 years old, i am the eldest of 4, the youngest was 5 at the time. He has NEVER paid a penny towards any of us. He also made no effert to see any of us, although my mum never made it a problem. He left my mum in loads of debt, to this day i don't know how she did it. But she is the strongest women i know.
I know me and OH have discussed if we were to spilt, and i know he would never shy away from his responsible to the kids.
I know i'm probably going to get stick for this but the only thing i will say is CSA need to look into there deduction for travel. My OH gets 8 pound off a month for a journey that costs us 300 pound. So effectivley he only gets 24 pounds off everytime we go collect my stepson.
Needness to say i am looking forward to returning to uk.
You are right, it is fairly easy for the absent parent to be absent financially and physically. No amount of legislation will change that fact. The CSA system is flawed based on percentages. As raised above...travel costs are minimal. The reality is non-resident parent needs to find the money for a new entire house when the relationship breaks up. The need to replace everything the Resident parent had while at the same time trying to maintain some sort of money aside for the child to enjoy themselves in their company. 15% is an arbitrary figure and none of it is accountable...the Resident parent (usually a female) can spend that money how she likes and supplement her standard of living if she wants.
New systems have been put forward whereby the money is given in food vouchers, fuel subsidies, rent etc etc. Tangible benefits for the child. However at present a mutual friend of ours currently pays for his ex to have a holiday 4 times a year in Jamaica while he recieves his daughter with holes in her school shoes.
My point is that even the slogan, fathers are 100% responsible. Are they? What % does that leave for mothers? Surely it should be 50%?
Matt O Connor raised the issue succinctly here The conversation: Was David Cameron wrong to attack 'runaway dads'? | Comment is free | The Guardian
The State System is happy for dads to be absentee parents as long as they pay money regardless of the circumstances, and I say tentatively...our current work ethic in the UK allows some mothers to exploit this mercilessly. Luckily I have no doubt that my ex will work again and she has pride in how she raises our daughter.
Last edited by Steven Feeney; 15-11-2011 at 15:05.
I've never understood why people pay for BUPA for children. I was covered all through my childhood and never used it once. I had to have the odd bit of emergency surgery and, low and behold, the only people who were qualified enough to do it were NHS surgeons. You're chucking cash down the drain. Use that cash to replace the stuff the wife waltzed off with.
Anyway Steven, good luck with your Law degree. With a bit of luck you'll be able to read by that time (you having not read the blog on which you're commenting) and you'll notice that Residency is in fact residence, access is actually contact and divorce in your context has a little 'd'. Also, if it's true (and I suspect poetic licence here) that you spoke to a solicitor who said:
you need to report him to the Law Society because he's talking utter shoite. Oh, and I'd caution against using him as he's clearly got an axe to grind somewhere along the line. Never good when you're before a District Judge trying to plead your case when your legal team is gnashing his teeth at a perceived past personal injustice.you have no rights, you are a male in the UK.
Erm...
I'm guessing that by that statement the situation you find yourself in is brand new and emotions are currently running high as it to be expected with a brand new relationship breakdown. You will probably feel very resentful at the moment as will your ex. Give it time.
It's been less than 9 months according to your previous statement. If you are walking away from your daughter after such a small period of time, maybe she's better off without you?
Last edited by squirrel_pigeon; 15-11-2011 at 16:00. Reason: Can't spell
"You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?"
Being someone who's dad left and never came back it was the best thing he could have done.
But i do see it from both sides, MEN in general need to realise what women do on a day to day bases. Its not easy being a single parent, but at the same time it's not easy for the men either.
I've never known arguing due to Divorce, my nan and grandad spilt when my mum was 4, however even though they have been spilt for well over 35 years, and nan remarried he still goes there every sunday for a roast dinner. Family events are never a problem everyone gets along with every.
Even when my dad did turn up 10 years later my mum had no hard feels towards him.
Men do need to pay for the children they create though, and provide anything they need at the end of the day the children will always need both parents. No matter what. Its the childrens interests that matters not whatever problem there may be between yourselves.
Who on earth said I was walking away? I said I find myself in the same situation, I didn't say I was responding the same.
Bodger, nothing like an ad homenim to round of a serious post is there. I did read the blog post and I read the token gesture that was thrown in to imply that it is not just Fathers who are targeted but we can clearly see, even from the title that this is not the crux of the post. The main focus of these initiatives are fathers who already have precious little rights as it is.
As for Divorce and Residency battles not being linked that is misleading. Of course they are, when children are involved in a breakup one begets the other and a any sort of Divorce proceedings usually impact negatively upon the access to child care. If a woman, who is given the Residency in an extremely high proportion of cases ,is not achieving her aims in the divorce she can respond, as many women do, with limiting child access. If a female is not receiving the amount of maintenance she would like she can limit child access or make it extremely difficult and prohibitively expensive. I am sure many of the women on this forum know that or have direct experience through suffering friends of family members.
Unless you know otherwise based on your experience but I will throw my hat in with Fathers 4 Justice and the myriad of other groups lobbying Parliament for an equal Families Law which takes in the full gamut of family breakup, separation and childcare issues.
Last edited by Steven Feeney; 15-11-2011 at 16:41.
I apologise - the phrasing wasn't as clear as it might have been.
"You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?"
Hmmmm. . . .Who on earth said I was walking away? I said I find myself in the same situation, I didn't say I was responding the same.
It certainly read that way.An officer took the step of walking away from his children because his ex made it so difficult every single week to see them and eventually replaced him with a new Dad.
A situation I now find myself in as well.
Not a situation I'm in, nor hopefully one I will ever be in.
I read it in the way that his ex has a new beau who may be spending more time with his kid and almost kid now than he is able to.
No she doesn't. Not that I am aware of. But let's not derail the thread onto my personal life.
I gave those anecdotes to illustrate the wider points.
Steven - you started talking about your personal life so you can't really complain when your 'anecdotes' are called into question.
"You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?"
Thanks S_P, my fingers wouldn't say that fast enough!
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