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Some time ago, I was approached via the PM feature on the ARRSE site by a journalist who knew that I had recently left the Army and that my wife was still serving, asking if she could write an article on the whole role reversal and stay at home dad bit as in the majority of cases it is the male that deploys leaving behind the female and the children.
This is the article, it was written in 2008, Bridget O'Donnell has kindly given me permission to post it on here, names have been changed obviously:
I’M AN ARMY HUSBAND
First Person: Filbert Fox, Written By Bridget O'Donnell
It’s unusual to have a serving female soldier in Germany who’s got a civilian husband. So it’s strange for people to see. I’d have children coming up to me and asking me why I wasn’t in uniform. When I said I’m not in the army, they didn’t understand, they found it hard to compute.
My wife is CAPTAIN Vixen Fox. We live together with our two year old daughter Mini Fox on an army camp in Germany. Vixen has been deployed three times and was on the first invasion to Iraq. Soon she’ll be in the pool for deployment again, I do dread it a little bit, but we’ll have to cross that bridge when it comes to it.
In July 2007 I went from being a Warrant Officer One (WO1) in the Army to being a stay at home Dad. I’m forty now and joined up when I was sixteen. For twenty two years I worked in Field Hospitals, Field Ambulances, Military Hospitals and Military Defence Hospital Units as an Operating Theatre Technician. Vixen is only thirty two and potentially has another ten years ahead of her. When she got posted to Germany I decided to retire and keep the family together. It’s all about her career now.
My mates took the Mickey at first and called me “Mr Mum”. I do still get ribbing about the Wives coffee mornings. For men, I think its just fear of the unknown and worrying about what the lads will say. At the end of the day, it’s a lot harder than being in the army.
I always thought stay at home mothers were you know, a bit lazy. Some husbands still think they just sit at home and watch Trisha. I realised after doing it just how incredibly hard and time consuming it is. I felt absolutely shattered. It completely changed my opinion about motherhood.
The worst times were if Mini didn’t want to go in the buggy or if she didn’t sleep and she’s in a bad mood all afternoon and there’s nothing you can do. That’s when you think “God what have I done? I wish your mother was here”, but I never really regretted our roles had been reversed.
When we lived in England, my neighbour was an ex-Para. He was doing the stay at home dad thing and said for the first few months you won’t know if you’re coming or going. You’re so used to being in the army, in a structured organisation where everything happens to plan and if it doesn’t you know what to do next. Then all of a sudden it’s you and a one year old and they don’t follow those rules. Paratroopers are a lot more aggressive and macho aren’t they? So I thought if he can do it then I, from the touchy feely medical profession can do it too.
When I first took Mini to a coffee morning, everyone just sort of looked at me. It was like: “Whoah it’s a bloke.” I sat by myself for a while and eventually one of the wives came over and introduced herself. By the end I didn’t feel such a spare part. It was good to know other people in your situation and I learnt so much gossip it was unbelievable. Vixen used to take the Mickey. She called them my “circle”.
We met at a Sergeant’s Mess dinner. Vixen, a Cpl, was sat next to me at the table. I asked her if she’d like to go out for a beer some time. She said “No”! She’s the steadying influence in our relationship and she’s got her head screwed on. I badgered her all night and we got married fifteen months later.
Straight after the wedding I was posted to Bosnia, then five days after my return I went on to Sierra Leone. By the time I got back Vixen had already left for the first invasion of Iraq. It was January 2003.
By trade Vixen is a Registered Adult Nurse (RAN) as well as a trained soldier. In the Army you’re a soldier first and a tradesman second. Army nurses no longer work miles behind the frontline. In modern combat there is no such thing. To get from one place to another in Iraq you have to go by vehicle and every vehicle that leaves camp is vulnerable to roadside bombs or ambush. Women are as much at risk as everyone else.
I remember getting home and the house was in total darkness. It was the first time I’d been in the situation where Vixen had been away. I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I was on post tour leave so I wasn’t at work and spent everyday glued to the news in the vain hope I might see something of Vixen. Then I’d know she was safe.
There was no contact, they couldn’t ring us, there were no emails. Nobody knew what was going on. It was a strange situation to be in, looking on the news for my new wife, but when they can’t contact you, you take anything you can get.
The cameras showed scud attacks on the British and there was this constant drip feed of helicopters crashing and people being killed and others injured in blasts. You didn’t know who was getting hit. It was really worrying because mortars and rockets come regardless of sex or job.
Back then there wasn’t really a lot of support for those left behind – the other halves. The wives were invited to “Wives coffee mornings” and “Wives evenings out”. The men would be forgotten. It’s got better these days – the men are invited too.
After four months Vixen was back and I went to pick her up at Gosport, near Portsmouth. All the families are there and everyone’s waving and cheering as the coaches pull up. Then you see each other and you forget anyone else is there, you’re just lost in your own world.
It is a shock to spend six months in a desert in tents, wearing Body Armour and all of a sudden coming back to civilisation where everyone else is bumbling around like nothing’s happened. It’s hard for partners too because you want to spend loads of time with them and talk about what they’ve done. But sometimes they just want to sit down and you know, do nothing.
Vixen has moments where she will just sit and stare at something. You can wave your hand in front of her and she just doesn’t even acknowledge it. I know she’s thinking about being out there.
When you’re deployed you don’t want to dwell on things because it makes your time harder. You switch into automatic mode, you go and do your job and survive basically. If things happen they happen. It’s not till it’s all finished and you’re back safe that you try and make sense of it all.
The following year, it was my turn to be deployed. My unit arrived in Iraq in July 2004. We were based at the Shaibah Log Base near Basra. Muqtada al Sadir’s militia had just started targeting British forces and we took quite a few casualties.
There were frequent mortar attacks on base. You hear two bangs - one when they launch and one when they land. So you hear the first boom and everyone dives under tables and beds and anything they can find. Then you wait - not knowing where it’s going. The wait is unnerving, there’s a slight excitement mixed in with it as well, it’s a strange feeling.
On my last day a British soldier died on my operating table. A rocket propelled grenade had gone off in the cab of his vehicle. He had pretty horrific injuries. It was one of the worst things I saw while I was there.
It’s the way they die, they’re horrifically mutilated and they’ve obviously been in total agony. It’s in the aftermath when you start to clean them down and tidy up everything that you see the total extent of their injuries. You just think “poor bugger” you know. Then people come up and say “he’s got a wife” or “he’s got kids”. Afterwards you sit down and think “Oh God, his family are going to be told soon.” That was bad, very bad.
Adding to my anxiety was the fact I knew Vixen’s unit was going to be replacing mine two weeks later. She arrived in October 2004. I coped better at home this time because we had emails and telephones but it was tough in a different way. Now I knew what she was facing. Things were starting to hot up, there was a lot more ambushing and firefights going on.
Then I found out she was going off base - providing armed escort and top cover for vehicles – and my mind immediately went back to the day that soldier died. The thought of that happening to Vixen was really unnerving. Going out on vehicles makes you easy pickings for a sniper and they don’t just aim for the men.
One time they found a massive roll of cable by the side of the road. It turned out there was an explosive device nearby. It could have been a close run thing. I was glad Vixen didn’t tell me about that till she was back.
If there is an attack you’re not allowed to ring out or use email to tell anyone about it, there’s a sort of cooling period. I did have a couple of days when it went really quiet. First you start thinking maybe there’s a queue for the phone or her Dad’s phoned and then you’d wait and wait and nothing happens. That’s when the real worry starts to creep in.
The army is quick at informing you should anything happen so if a day goes by you relax a bit. I don’t know anyone yet - husband or wife - who’s had the knock at the door.
Having experienced both sides now, it’s definitely worse for the people left behind. When you’re deployed you’ve got you’re job to do. It’s much more psychological waiting at home. You’re the one picking up the pieces, trying to live your own life but at the same time worrying about what’s going to happen.
The worst thing is the awful loneliness. Getting up in the mornings at weekends and remembering you’ve got nothing to get up for; going to bed at night, shutting things down, switching things off and sleeping on your own. Eventually though that too becomes the norm, you adjust, you cope but you never get used to the separation.
Vixen’s next deployment will be the first since we’ve had our daughter. I’m going to do my best to keep Vixen in the foreground of Mini's mind. You hear of people coming back and their children - the main people they want to see – hide from them behind Mummy or Daddy. Even now if she’s upset she doesn’t want Vixen she wants me. I feel really bad when I see the look on Vixen’s face.
Now when I see on the news about soldiers dying and they’ve got a wife and young children I always think how are they going cope? I have thought about the possibility that Vixen might die - though I try not to. Now we’ve got Mini I can’t think of anything more heartbreaking than having to tell her. How do you sit down and tell a child their Mummy or Daddy’s not coming back? Or what about the way they died? And what do you say when they start asking why?
The reality of quite why we’re in Afghanistan and Iraq is long lost isn’t it? Besides, people don’t join the army because they want to defend the country. People go in for practical reasons: to learn a trade or just because they haven’t got anything else. You don’t necessarily agree with what’s going on. Soldiers go out do their job, come back. They don’t really think about why they’re there. It’s just another day in not the centre of paradise.
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I did the stay at home Dad thing for 4 months before getting a job and packing my daughter off to nursery, it was a bloody hard but very enjoyable time, I really miss the quality time I spent with her in those days and now totally appreciate what goes into staying at home to look after children and of course, what its like to be left behind when your other half deploys.
Now I'm doing it all again with my 6 month old son! Will I ever learn???
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