Thread: Postcard from a dog

Dear Mum,
since you abandoned me less than a week ago its been chaos here. The weather has been snow/sleet/hail/rain/fog with occasional bursts of sunshine. Many of those have occurred simultaneously.
Today there was sunshine which was doing its best to dry out all the muddy puddles around Easby Abbey, just to help the sun out I decided the best thing to do was to soak up as much of the muddy water as possible. This pleased everyone so much that I've had another bath and a hair cut today.
From what I overheard earlier I'm going to the 'you know who' to get my claws seen to tomorrow, no doubt it'll be a good excuse for me to whimper, whine and look pathetic.
Well that's all I've got time for today, its not easy being a dead ginger pirate tap dancing dog you know.

Arrrrr, arrrrr, whoooooo whooooooo. etc

Copied from blogs (original entry) - post comments here.

Dear Ginger Tap Dancing One,

Thanks for your postcard, you did very very well to write it considering you are almost blind. I did, however, laugh when I found out you had ran into a lamppost. I have informed your father in foreign climes that you are a poorly little rat, and he is promising to pay for the nasty man at the top of the hill to fix you and aid your recovery (as long as I pay him back off the insurance - I promise not to spend it on shoes). He too laughed when I told him you ran into a lamppost, but not as much as he did when I told him you ran into the computer chair last week. I suppose that should have been an indication that you had something wrong, I just thought you were daft. In return for his hard earned cash, you might have to spend some time with him, but it will be under supervision, and at no stage will you have to visit Nottingham, I promise you - besides which, my ASBO won't let me anywhere near there.

The boys in work miss you, they actually missed the smell first which is when they realised you weren't there, but hopefully it won't be for long because a bloke down the corridor has brought his puppy here and it barks and shites all the time, so I am waiting for the first person to accuse you of producing a dog egg outside the mess. I know you are clever, but bloody hell, not even you can get orange pooh 200 miles away without being there.

Hope the sheep shearing went well, try not to annoy the cat too much and stop weeing on Eddie's head. See you soon (not that you will see me),

Wet kisses and Dentastix,

Your errant mother, still expecting a claw on my leg everytime I open a packet of crisps xxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Stop picking on bigger dogs, were they trying to bezzer your mate?

he's not blind, he's just blind DRUNK!!!

Dear Aunty Big Bird,
thanks for you input on a subject you and Mum know an awful lot about, subject matter experts in fact. Anywhooo back to the further adventures of Pip, the abandoned dog wonder.

Mum,
I'm glad you find my ocular condition so amusing. That large and very shiny metal lamp post was (and remains) very static. A small (yet heroic) dog is highly movable. Whilst proceeding in a westerly direction (away from my step dad as I had been very naughty and run off to poo on the front garden of No 7) I inadvertently bounded into the previously mentioned street furniture. The stunningly loud 'Clang' alerted people over the road. Don't mind my agony, you enjoy your snigger at my expense, its not like I have feelings...

My hair cut took two hours and used two sets of hair clippers, one pair of scissors, two dog brushes and a bin bag. I tried struggling and whimpering at first, but as nobody was taking any notice of me I eventually gave up and let them get on with it. Well it was getting close to dinner time and apparently I wasn't going to get fed until the shearing was done.

I hear that you found it funny when I was assaulted by a huge and ferocious animal. A massive beast at least 9 feet tall with fangs the size of, of big fangy things. Don't go round believing that it was a puppy called Pippa, no it was a relative of Cerberus I tell you. If it wasn't for my lightening fast reflexes it would have bitten my head off. I was lucky to escape with my life I tell you, all that growling and snarling scared it off in the end (it was not gay whimpering and whining)

lots of love, and orange poo, Pip, dog wonder etc

Dear Truffles, my baby, my sugarlump, my little man, (I have never said that to my frog - ever),

Ignore your Auntie biggy, she don't love you like I do, and she talks in the blogs in one sentences. Pah.

Your mum has found some Wolf Blass, and is hugging her fake Pip and is not crying. Your dad has found your pedigree papers so you can wave that little waggly tail wherever you want. I have the insurance and thank goodness.

Your step parents don't have to cough any more dosh.

Truffles, be good for them, sleep as much as you can, (ha), and remember that I am not crying and don't miss you schnucked into my big fat neck, snoring, with a big fat paw over me giving me a hug and a I love you stylee smell.

I am not crying.

Night shitelips xxxxxxx

Pipster me ol' mucker, life is good for you then?
I'm still stuck in the Land that time forgot. Haven't chased wabbits for near enough a year! Leprechauns are too easy to catch, they put up no resistance.

I heard Mum and Dad complaining about my bad skin. What do they expect?
When they go out to do their thing I get left with the 3 bratlings who insisit on feeding me crisps mmmm salt and vinegar are my faves. Mind you I am glad that the kids have gone back to wherever they go as I get sofa time with Mum, also get the blame when she throws ale on't carpet!

Dad tells me that I might be going on the boat back to England in the near future....hopefully not alone.
Anyhows mate, gonna get orf I have birds to chase out back....

Keep your head down and stay safe.....respect!

Chasley

Today I have mostly been wiping my face on the carpet in complaint over the two (TWO I tell ya, count the buggers) different lots of eye drops I'm getting put in a total of six times a day.

I am skipping ahead a little, we went back to the vets on Monday where I was prodded, poked and generally looked at. Apparently my distinctive fragrance is probably due to 'yeasty skin' yeasty fecking skin? what am? I a loaf of bread? a pizza? anyway I can be made to smell less doggy but (in the best traditions of dodgy dealers everywhere) 'ohh its gonna cost ya luv'

I'm getting good at these eye drops, I sit there and look as pathetic as possible, then when my head is held in some kind of wrestling hold, I do the 'big sad eyes' routine. then the b******s squirt the drops in. Next I squirm around the house wiping my face on every surface I can reach.

What joys will my next appointment bring?

yeasty eh??? Well i DID tell the thick bint that coating you in Marmite cos she lurves the smell probaby wasn't healthy! Would she listen?? Would she buggery begorrah!!! Also not helpful was washing aforementioned manjam off with pink fizzy wine! Whilst i am in no doubt it did make your coat curly, shiny and with a decadent hint of blossom-pink in certain lights....it did nowt for the general pong!!!

Dear Aunty BigBird,
mum came and picked me up this weekend. She's been away sooooo long that I didn't recognise her at first, but once I did I did my tap dancing and singing routine. Mum did pretend to have had enough of the singing and kept saying 'shush'
Saturday was fun, we went to see my Aunty Junior Slug. We went round the market and I managed to snaffle tons of food from the ground. I even ended up with 'Gravy ears' cos they fed me leftovers.
Apparently today we may get to wave at another RP'er as she passes by on the train.

love and slobber, Pip

Dog wonder, (the real one is asleep on the couch),

Not just any old arrser, it's your Aunty Beebs and Monkey and Kitty, and you just know that the Beebster is going to get all high pitched when she sees us and I may get my face licked to death by the Monkeyboy, but it's ok. I'm going to marry him when he grows up. Pip has expressly asked that we do not give him leftovers from the Toad in the Hole we are having for tucker tonight. Oh no sireee, no leftovers for him and the Ward.

Yours, Pip's mum xx

I almost made a daring escape from Castle Slug this afternoon.

Let me start at the begining.... (are you sitting comfortably?)

As you may or may not know (or indeed care) I'm back with my Mum for the weekend, anyway today we had visitors. Between the 6 of us we managed to scoff our way through two trays of toad in the hole, a gallon of gravy and a forest of veg. I managed to wear much of the gravy, mostly on my ears.
When our visitors went to leave I did a runner and sneaked into their car, only Mum spotted me and I had to go back inside. She'll be half way through a box of wine by now. I'm willing to bet she is loafing about on the sofa watching some dreadful shite on the telly as I type.
I'm off to the vets again tomorrow afternoon, more gunky eye info then.

Arf arf.

Squeaky, you are such a liar. You got in the car to stay with your bezzer, the ward. You were a skippety hoppetty dog when you went back to the house and realised it was just me and you.

Pipsqueak is currently asleep in the fat controller's seat (Mine) and is snoozing. Fancy that!

Originally Posted by Pip_the_dog_wonder

I almost made a daring escape from Castle Slug this afternoon.

Let me start at the begining.... (are you sitting comfortably?)

As you may or may not know (or indeed care) I'm back with my Mum for the weekend, anyway today we had visitors. Between the 6 of us we managed to scoff our way through two trays of toad in the hole, a gallon of gravy and a forest of veg. I managed to wear much of the gravy, mostly on my ears.
When our visitors went to leave I did a runner and sneaked into their car, only Mum spotted me and I had to go back inside. She'll be half way through a box of wine by now. I'm willing to bet she is loafing about on the sofa watching some dreadful shite on the telly as I type.
I'm off to the vets again tomorrow afternoon, more gunky eye info then.

Arf arf.

I don't blame you mate...she pinches when she's full of pink wine! And her farts are particularly noxious after she's eaten toad!

Originally Posted by bigbird67

Originally Posted by Pip_the_dog_wonder

I almost made a daring escape from Castle Slug this afternoon.

Let me start at the begining.... (are you sitting comfortably?)

As you may or may not know (or indeed care) I'm back with my Mum for the weekend, anyway today we had visitors. Between the 6 of us we managed to scoff our way through two trays of toad in the hole, a gallon of gravy and a forest of veg. I managed to wear much of the gravy, mostly on my ears.
When our visitors went to leave I did a runner and sneaked into their car, only Mum spotted me and I had to go back inside. She'll be half way through a box of wine by now. I'm willing to bet she is loafing about on the sofa watching some dreadful shite on the telly as I type.
I'm off to the vets again tomorrow afternoon, more gunky eye info then.

Arf arf.

I don't blame you mate...she pinches when she's full of pink wine! And her farts are particularly noxious after she's eaten toad!

There are times when I'd rather she ate actual toads, I can't imagine the smell would be any worse. I forgot to mention that she was on red wine not pink. Don't worry though, it came in a box not a little bottle or anything silly like that.


I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for that meddling toppers.

Originally Posted by Pip_the_dog_wonder

Originally Posted by bigbird67

Originally Posted by Pip_the_dog_wonder

I almost made a daring escape from Castle Slug this afternoon.

Let me start at the begining.... (are you sitting comfortably?)

As you may or may not know (or indeed care) I'm back with my Mum for the weekend, anyway today we had visitors. Between the 6 of us we managed to scoff our way through two trays of toad in the hole, a gallon of gravy and a forest of veg. I managed to wear much of the gravy, mostly on my ears.
When our visitors went to leave I did a runner and sneaked into their car, only Mum spotted me and I had to go back inside. She'll be half way through a box of wine by now. I'm willing to bet she is loafing about on the sofa watching some dreadful shite on the telly as I type.
I'm off to the vets again tomorrow afternoon, more gunky eye info then.

Arf arf.

I don't blame you mate...she pinches when she's full of pink wine! And her farts are particularly noxious after she's eaten toad!

There are times when I'd rather she ate actual toads, I can't imagine the smell would be any worse. I forgot to mention that she was on red wine not pink. Don't worry though, it came in a box not a little bottle or anything silly like that.


I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for that meddling toppers.

Yeah! He's rubbish.

Anyhoo, my little Pipsqueak, a little postcard from your mum before she collapses in a heap and shouts "Why Do I Do It!"

Yesterday, I went to the town of Londinium by the Sea with some bigger boys than me to watch some other bigger boys (and one girl) do some marching and stuff.

The day didn't start well, I had previously been on duty for 48 hours (fancy that) and was threaders, but struggled on, and didn't tell anyone to eff off (well not more than about 15 times). We left at 1500hrs (3pm for you civvies) in a minibus that was made of glass - my arrse was killing by the time we got to Uxbridge - so I couldn't have a little snoozey bear on the way ( I bloody well tried though). I cheered up a tad when we were told "It's a tenner for the scoff and booze, but don't kick the arrse out of it".

Ferried from Uxbridge to St James' Palace (Hark at me) where we were met by some bizzies who immediately recognised that I was Pip's Mum and ushered us through. I saw William and Harry's cars. Apparently, they are right up their own arrses, but Princess Alexandra is nice and always stops and talks to the boys (yes Pipsqueak, the boys who say you smell). We had some tucker there, drank a little tiny bit of wine, and saw some fantastic paintings and silver. A painting of Queen Victoria in a white dress - only 4 in the world; 200million squiddlies worth of books (?) and some great decking.

We left there to go to the Tower of Laaandaaaahn, where I saw some people walking their dogs. I got all melancholy and thought of my smelly ginger fat footed fella (you, not him), but grew myself a set and carried on. Pipster, you would have been proud of the fellas that call you smelly - they looked like they knew what they were doing (instead of dragging themselves into our office and whinging about insignificant stuff like pay and leave and all that). I had a happy in my tummy just the same as when you wee on Eddie's head, or see a bigger dog off for even looking at me. It was brill.

We then went onto the bar in the Tower of Londinium, where we proceeded to have a tinsy winsy bit of alkyhol, and I found some firemen. I didn't play with them, much. I got home about half one (0130hrs for you normal people) covered in kebab and laughing like a big girls blouse. Up at 0545 (wondering what time I should be in the guardroom to check on ROPs and thinking "this isn't my bed"), went to scoff (yeah, I scoffed baby, for £1.02 I was getting my moneys worth), then back to the Beach, where I dodged work all day.

Tomorrow, (Pipster, don't hate me for this, you wouldn't like Corgi dogs anyway - they threaten your gingerness), I am going once again to the Village of Lundium to see my angel of lightness (Beebs) and Monkey and Kitty. We are not, I repeat, NOT, at any stage on Sunday going to Buckingham Palace to watch the boys do some marching again for the last time. We are NOT excited about it, and Monkey HAS NOT told everyone at school about it. No siree. We won't even be wearing posh clothes because the Queen might be at home. Not us. No way, you can't prove a thing, until you may or may not see us in the papers. Which you can't, because you have dodgy eyes.

I'll take some photos for you, and collect Monkey and Kitty kisses for you.

Take care, and be careful in Easby, I don't want you falling in the river.

Lots of love and sloppy kisses,

Your fat mum xxxxxxxxxxxxx

ssssssshhhhhhhhh....don't tell him we'll be at the Army/Navy next week....he'll want a share of our beer tokens!!!!!

Originally Posted by bigbird67

ssssssshhhhhhhhh....don't tell him we'll be at the Army/Navy next week....he'll want a share of our beer tokens!!!!!

What beer tokens? I see no beer tokens.

Is that your pirate dog, cos it ain't mine. I ain't seen no dawg.

How tempted am I to drive home?????

brown beer tokens that come out of the hole in the wall at the WetNasty bank....if you pray hard enough when you put the Card of Begging into the Slot of Hope and punch in the Number of Glory! Then it spits out brown beer tokens with that bird's head printed on 'em!!!

are there no dayglo bracelets this year????

'member Burdy you'll need a full body wax in preperation for nekkid bar......

Mum, MUM MUUUUUUUMMMMMMM, oh my god.

MUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!! (tippy tappy tippy tappy)

You have no idea the trauma I'm going through this weekend. Eddie has been taken daaahhnnnn saarrffff, and I've been left alone, nay abandoned I tell you with my 'step dad' and that bloody cat. You know which cat, the black and white one that comes out for walks with me. I mean I'm a dog (a dead ginger tap dancing pirate one at that) who goes out for walks with a bloody cat. Street cred? pah, what's that then?

Anywhooo, I'm still getting my eyes smeared with goo (that expensive stuff you got from the vets for me) twice a day, usually after I've been for a walk. Its bad enough that I can't see anything less obvious than a day glow elephant fitted with flashing lights and a claxon, but its made worse by having araldite smeared over my eyeballs.

oh bugger, its time for more eye glue to be applied, got to go and tap dance round the kitchen in the hope that I'll get a dentastix.

gingery love, and doggy smells..

Pip, the one, the only - dog wonder etc etc.