Thread: Postcard from a dog

I'll have you know he ate 2 smaller dogs tonight. I was most proud of him. He was straight in with the fat feet. That will teach them to sniff at his rabbit holes.........

I was under the impression I was supposed to be dead (yet again) and lying in the green recycling bin. Is there no end to my Jesus like resurrection-from-the-dead type talents?

Pip - you're indestructible petal!

Dear all, Pip's first tippettety tappetty of the New Year. (He is so good at typing with his paws now).

So far, this year, I have mainly been sleeping. The witch keeps walking me - sometimes in her jammies - and she forgets I have littler legs than her.

I met some people from arrse the other week. CocoaKid, Mac_UK and IamaLondonCrab. CK brought her dogs with her and they battered me because I sniffed their bums and minkies and they didn't like it - so they bit me. I yelped like a little girl and moaned for days.

On a good note, my now ex-dad finally sent my papers to my mum. Ergo, I am officially her dog now and she would break the neck of anyone who tried to take me away. I have got the details of who my Great great great grandparents are, so you can't call me a scruffy mongrel mutt anymore, cos I have a pedigree, innit. There are a lot of Jaffa and Orange in the list, but I don't mind - everyone knows I am ginger, but Chasley and Pancho can shove it now. I is Pedigree!!

Mum keeps making wild excuses about why I can't go back to see Lord Ward. I think she wants to keep me in Cambridge but the big boys are getting huffy about it. I'm sure she will cope. She took on the "Witch" who said I was a nuisance dog, so I think she might win this one too. I'm enjoying time with her - she gives me lots of cuddles and everyone in the mess loves me. I'm a legend in my own lunchtime.

Right, I have to go and sleep on some pillows with skinny blondey and get some slug love. I'm getting my ears cleaned later - I'm really going to enjoy that.

Next time, when my mum hasn't been to the bar all afternoon, I will tell you about my time in Cambridge the other day.

Lots of love and huffs,

Pipsqueak xxxxxxx

I was savaged, savaged I tell you, by a pack of slavering evil (and probably rabid) hell hounds. 'Dogs to the south-east. Thousands of them.' Did I let that deter me? No, of course not. I battled on, against impossible odds. In the end though, superior numbers got the better of me.

It was not two dogs nipping my ears at all, oh no.

Not scared at all.

They looked at my mum funny, so I thought I would take them both on. They abused their powerful legs (I only have ickle ones).

If the Lord Ward had been there, them mutts would have been licking their wounds now. Or their bumholes.

Pip and Eddie can take you all on. Unless you smell funny, we don't like smelly dogs.

Originally Posted by Slugster

- Chasley and Pancho can shove it now. I is Pedigree!!

But you will always be a gwar!

Originally Posted by bootifull

Originally Posted by Slugster

- Chasley and Pancho can shove it now. I is Pedigree!!

But you will always be a gwar!

That's it, Chas and Pip at dawn, paws at the ready.

Lord Ward will officiate (hehehehehe - we all know whose side he is on)

I, as Pip's Mum, will decide the winner.

Chas has shat it.

Oh hang on, I just asked Pip if he wanted a fight in the morning and he huffed me. FFFFF. OK, let's reskedule for when he feels like a fight. I'll let you know.

(Darn tooting Pip could take Chas)

Righty ho, I am currently asleep. And doing a lot of snoring.

Mum and I are not entirely impressed with the Prov and his mate hammering on our door at 0230.

That evil woman made me walk for an hour today. Snow, snow, I shite it. I am the dog with a thousand bladders - just call me Mr Yellow.

I took on a big dog yesterday, mum was squiffy, this big mad GSD tried it on. I sat there like a wikkle fwuffy bunny wabbit and did my "Yeah. Whatever" I was boss dog. I well had him off, and mum was dead proud.

On a sour note (for mum), I am back off to the land of Yorkshire in a week or so, she will miss me but I get to play with the Lord Ward. I've missed him too.

OK, the sexiest dog in NATO is off to snore on his mum's shoulder and trampoline her.

Love and whiffs, Pipster. xxxx

Oh Mum says hi!!!

You can't go, it's not fair.

Beebs x

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

You can't go, it's not fair.

Beebs x

Inherently unfair.

I have been without my mum for a week now, and that week has been terrible for her. She had to spend a night in our house on her own - with no killer guard dog to protect her for the first time in about 5 years and didn't enjoy it. We had to do the handover/takeover in a car park at Wetherby services because the bastards made her work late and she couldn't deliver me personally to the Lord Ward's house. I was sulking all the way there and trying to sleep on her lap while she was driving because I knew she would miss me a bit - I don't miss her at all - oh no, I'm busy eating carrots and the cat litter tray.

I'm off to Nottingham next week to see my ex-dad. Mum isn't entirely happy about it, but I did originally belong to him, not that he paid any DSA for me or anything, but as she is such a good mum, she is letting him see me. If he doesn't give me back, she will firebomb his mother's house and smash the windows through of his house in Beeston (NG1 9PE in case anyone is near).

Everyone in Cambridge misses me. Even the CO asked about me on Friday, and my mum nearly started crying - the big wuss. I might not be there, but my smell lingers.

That's all for now folks, tippetty tappetty xxxx

Here we go again. That wanker can't come and get Pip because his girlfriend is ill and has studies - boo hoo.

Plan J is now in action.

Pipsqueak is comng back to the beach with me and getting a train to Southampton (with me obviously) to meet up with his step parents at the weekend.

Pip's mum is threaders with the whole thing.

Update,

I've been to Lincolnshire for the weekend. I almost died when I saw a roundabout covered in Daffodils, I almost had to be rushed to the vets with dehydration from attempting to wee on every single flower.

Once things had calmed down I went off and did my culture bit. I went to an Orchid show - and as there were no Daffs I didn't wee on a single flower. I was dead good.

Step-dad says I'm snoring too much now, and howling in my sleep. I dunno what the fuss is about as it doesn't disturb me.

Yo Pip,

How's tricks?
Chaos reigns in this house, pesky kids are here invading my space!
Mum tells me I am off to the lad of nod today???
I have a lump in an ermmm "delicate place", and it needs to be removed!!! I have been STARVED since last night so I have cried all night, I have Mum looking grumpy!

I will update you as and when....if I survive of course.

Laters dude.....Chas xx

Remember the daffs must be pished upon IT IS THE LAW!

Chas, are you dead yet?

Less of that and more about me, me, mememememmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This week I've been to the beach and actually trod in the water while other silly creatures ran about into the freezing cold sea. It was a dead common place with lots of poor people wearing stupidly skimpy clothing - especially considering a. The weather. b. They were showing their poorly spelt 'prison' tattoos/arrse antlers. c. that most of them were not a size 8 (ffs some of them were not an 18)
The pound shop did sell a nice lead though as someone had forgotten to take one for the Lord 'Ward.

Things we did do.
Wee lots. stand in the sea. Bark at dogs that got too close. Have a picnic. Eat Ice-creams.

Things we didn't do.
Have prawns despite being promised them. Find any rubbish bins. Get rained on despite the BBC forecast promising heavy rain. Forget about three bags of dog poo left by the car when we left, honest.

Dear Mum, I know you'll be missing me by now (and you'll have been crying like a big fat crying thing).
As you well know today I had to go to 'him' with 'her' you know, the chubby dog hater. When he arrived I was quite obviously underwhelmed. I continued to be underwhelmed when my (recently washed) bed went into the back of the car. I made my displeasure known by whining. I may still be whining now. I'm planning on a whole week of whining and possibly a protest poo or two in the house.
Thanks for the spit covered carrot, did you deep throat it or something? I mean, what was the point of that? I don't need assistance to digest my food just yet you know, I'm the one out of us who actually eats remember?
What is the point of 'him' holding onto my lead as if I'm going to fly away? C'mon man (and I use the term loosely baldy) I'm a small, yet devilishly handsome and semi-ginger dog, not an Eagle or an Albatross.
This week I shall mostly be making his life hell.

Dear Truffles,

Thank you for the update. I may or may not have neglected to inform "him" and the chubby dog hater that you have a little Dentastix after a last wee and pooh. I promise I won't laugh when I think about you doing a little tippy tappy dance and looking at the cupboards gleefully whilst they stand there going "Eeee, he's such a bad dog! (That was a Nottingham thing).

Oh, I also may or may not have neglected to tell them that you like to burrow under the quilt, or sleep on the pillows. I'm such a bad parent.

See you next week, I will have my ear defenders ready, and when you get back we are going straight home so you can see The Lord Ward again.

Love and kisses,

Your mam xxxxxx

P.S. Make sure that your protest pooh is full of carrots. That'll learn them.

P.P.S. Do lots of protest poohs and be as loud and obnoxious as you like little man, I'll still love you - I'll love you even more if you do a shite in the living room though. :wink:

I HAVE BEEN DOGNAPPED!
Its true, apparently I'm overweight, but not fed often enough (what?) have fleas, which is odd as I've been living with 3 other pets, two kids and two 'adults' and no one has noticed a single flea anywhere else. Must be the hovel I'm being held in (against my will I may add)
I admit that it is time to visit the groomers again, but hardly crime of the century.

I've been told that I have to stay in Nottingham till I die, well with that kind of choice I'm hoping it'll only be till next weekend. If I concentrate hard enough do you think this 'nuisance dog' can will itself to death?

oops

double oops...i blame vodka