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Discuss 5 months between tours?! in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Thank you for that insight, that's basically exactly what I was looking for. I imagine my other half would be like yours, saying he didn't want to go either, but actually not going because I ...
  
  1. #21
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    Thank you for that insight, that's basically exactly what I was looking for. I imagine my other half would be like yours, saying he didn't want to go either, but actually not going because I didn't want him to go.
    I suppose as your story shows, it may not only be this time that it happens, and perhaps I'm better off biting the bullet and letting fate take it's course. I'd be gutted if it stopped him promoting, I would feel horrible.
    Like you said about the silent tears- it's kind of easier to play it cool on the phone, although I'm generally easy to read, but it'll be a different matter when he gets back. He will be able to tell by one look at my face what I think.

    To be honest I can't imagine what you're going through, it must be a right uphill struggle, but clearly you prove that people do cope.

    Thank you for writing your experience xxx

  2. #22
    Senior Member dizzy.chick's Avatar
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    no worries

    Just wanted to add one more thing- it might never happen so really is it worth worrying/discussing it until it does? Lots of wasted wrinkles really. I would just enjoy your time until you know whats going on.
    All the cool kids have a signature but I have nothing witty or profound to say.

  3. #23
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    You are of course correct, easier said than done though!
    It was my slightly crazy career path forcing me to consider the future, but I realise there's nothing I can do and that worrying is wasted energy! And I certainly don't need any more wrinkles than I've already got.

    On the plus side he's gone somewhere with proper paradigm phones and we've just had a lovely 30 minute phone call. No mention of future tours and started talking about homecoming, it's seeming real now! (even though there are still a couple of months left!)

    x

  4. #24
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    I know it's hard to let their career come before anything else, however it's personal choice.
    I spent 2 years apart from hubby with a 2 year old child. We were both serving, spending 1 weekend a month together.
    I arranged our wedding on my own, he went to Afghanistan 6 weeks later. On his return he was posted back to the uk on promotion. He could have turned it down, but I decided to leave the RAF for the sake of my family.
    He will leave in 5 or so years and I will hopefully get my career, I'd like to train to be a dentist but can't do it whilst he's still serving as I wouldn't be able to put 100% into it. I know he appreciates me putting my career on hold and will support me fully when the time comes to follow my chosen career. For the time being I've got a great job that I love, living in a great area and I have my husband home most nights. I'm going to make the most of it

  5. #25
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    Wow, Mrs M, 2 years apart with a 2 year old and only seeing him 1 weekend a month. I'm in awe. I was chatting to one of the girls at the summer ball and she and her partner are both serving and they had seen each other for 6 days in one year. I just couldn't do it and have so much respect for those that go through such long separations and cope so well.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    He got posted to Germany when I was still pregnant, but couldn't let him turn it down. I suppose I'm a very independent person and I didn't really know any different with kids, I did it all from the start anyway.
    It's different now, he's very hands on with the kids.
    At least he was there for the birth of both of them- was in Afghanistan when 2nd was due, got back on r n r with hours to spare!

  7. #27
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    I would quite like to have a more flexible career but I'm 10 years into my training with only another 5 to go, and it's either 100% or nothing, so I am just going to crack on now. Plus, I'm the higher earner (in the future it will be significantly so) so I want to keep it up so that we're flexible when he eventually leaves. He can have the option of doing exactly what he wants to do, rather than worrying to much about money. I am also very independent and had lived alone for quite a few years before we met, and he weekly commutes to work anyway. I really respect people that do it with kids, time will (hopefully!) tell how I'll manage that! Having stupid hours, kids and a husband on tour will be a struggle but worth it I'm sure.

    I'd have him and the army over any other bloke any day, the fact a phone call can make my heart race like nothing else is something I think we're all quite privileged to experience.

  8. #28
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Okay Lilly - Mr. H and I are intrigued. We have amongst our family and friends representatives of all the professions and CPD aside, which of course all professions require, we can't think of anyone who would describe their training as taking 15 years. So please put us out of our misery and tell us what it is that you are training for!

  9. #29
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    I'm a surgeon. Wasn't going to put it here really due to anonymity (I can be a wuss without anyone I know recognising me!)
    6 years med school, then 9 years to consultant. It's very hard to get off the tread mill as I'm in a training post. Obviously not 15 years at university, but it's a training programme and you have to progress to the next year etc.
    Lots of people manage to have relatively normal lives while in training jobs, but you can't move your job location and also I'm a bit thick and struggle with the exams more than most!

  10. #30
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    I was going to be nosey and ask too! That's some commitment!

  11. #31
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Ah. We'd speculated about that - but we have a family member who is a Surgeon and we reckoned he was a consultant after about 10 or 11 years, so we dismissed it!

  12. #32
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    10 years from the end of med school probably? Minimum now days is 9 years post grad, but it used to be worse. I count med school as it justifies the fact that I feel like I've been doing exams for ever!

    But the countdown is on, 2 more postings for him and I'll be a consultant! That way it sounds managable!

  13. #33
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Just told Mr. H, and he pointed out that he has a chum who is a Senior Officer married to Consultant - they have kids (I'm not sure at what stage of her career they were born, we've only known them since the kids were early teens) and we think they earn about the same - plus of course when he steps off there's a whopping gratuity, so don't fret too much about carrying the financial burden.

  14. #34
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    That is interesting to know! I earn more than he does now after I take into account banding (out of hours)but in all honesty I'd not looked at what he'd be earning when and if he's promoted that high, or about gratuity. We'll not be minted, but I know we'll be comfortable, and I suppose we should be proud of it as we've both worked so hard and sacrificed a lot. If I ever pay off my 30k student debt that is!

  15. #35
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    Crikey, I've just looked up the starting salary for a Lt Col! A long way off but my goodness that'd be nice!

  16. #36
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    Have you honestly not discussed his potential earning power with him? As a DE Officer, if he's any good - and lucky - he should make half Col. around his late thirties and full Col. in his early 40's - off the top of my head the top of that payscale is around 90k, Brigadier is 100k and of course he might make General! They are messing with pensions and gratuities but I'll PM you with some info on that front.

  17. #37
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    It's funny really, when he signed up it was only going to be for a few years but now he's extended his commission and is really enjoying himself. So we never really talked higher than major. The pension he's said he won't get till he's 65 as he's on the new scheme?
    I don't know why I have never looked before, I always thought I'd be the higher earner by miles but doesn't look like I will be in future. That's brightened my day that has Heli!

  18. #38
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    I was a dental nurse in the Raf so had that to fall back on, had extra qualifications for maxillo facial surgeons assistant, implants, sedation etc and could earn a nice packet if I went to London but I'd rather work closer to home.
    Hubby has been in for 25 years and worked up through the ranks. He doesn't think he can make it to Lt Col but I'm sure he could. I'm still only 31 so plenty of time to train to be a dentist when he leaves, even at 40 I'd still have a long career

  19. #39
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    It has happened to me in the past. OH had volunteered for a 4 month tour in the sandpit as he was between jobs and thought it would be a good career move. Whilst over there, his unit got put on notice to deploy for 6 months unexpectedly, only 2 weeks after he was due back to join them. To be honest, much as I didn't say anything to him, I did a lot of talking to myself about what I was doing. To be honest, I was so used to him not being there anyway, I didn't really find it too much of an issue, but I was in the fortunate position of having grown up kids and the freedom to do as I liked.

    I still don't think looking back, it was a good thing to do, I think it subsequently caused a lot of issues within the relationship, but we got through it. If it can be avoided I would say it's not worth it, if it really can't... dig deep.
    Chaos, panic, disorder, my work here is done!

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