Thread: Coping too well!

Hi there everyone,

New to all of this, never used a forum before in my life but have been keeping an eye on this for the last couple of weeks and it's been a wealth of information!

Been with my OH for 8 years and she went off to Sandhurst a couple of weeks ago, I have absolutely no experience at all of the military so have gone into it completely blind! I think this has actually helped in some ways as I had no preconceived ideas or expectations.

So far it's going worryingly well! We've only managed one phone call but have been texting every am and pm and of course I'm writing plenty of letters and have posted parcels!

I've got my hotel and train booked for Old College Sunday and am really looking forward to seeing where she's living although I have no idea how much free time if any she's going to have (anyone able to help with this?)

As ridiculous as this may sound my concern is that I seem to be totally ok so far! We don't live together and I think that's probably helped and we've always had healthy independent lives outside of the relationship (probably how we've lasted this long!) but I'm worried it's going to hit me at some point and I'll turn into a quivering wreck!

Has anyone else been fine with the whole thing or am I a complete weirdo?!

Everyone copes with all aspects of military life differently. Some people can just get on with it and others struggle more. You may well have a day or a week somewhere where the bottom suddenly falls out of your world but then again you might not. I wouldn't worry either way, just go with the flow and take each day as it comes (and enjoy being ok with everything now cos if a day comes when you're struggling it's good to remember that you can do it cos you have been already.)

I think you've hit on the secret straight away - keep busy and have your own life! You will have days when you really miss her but then you'll just get on with it. There's no right or wrong way to deal with the OH being away and some people manage better than others - this forum is brilliant for support so stick around!

Like you, I hadn't lived with my OH, we actually only saw each other from Friday afternoon (2pm ish) to Sparrows Fart on Monday morning (5.30 am I'd leave his house to drive to work).. so I think that's helped me cope with his deployment.

That and I was also an open book in terms of what it meant to be with someone that was in the military, so I asked lots of questions and just took each day as it came, including changed plans - like planning something for the bank holiday Monday... and finding out he had to be back at work Sunday night.

Keeping your own life, keeping busy and keeping communication going is the key to keeping your sanity and relationship going, some days there are bad times, and sometimes there are great times - keep focussing on the good days and it helps balance things out if you get a bad day.

Just know that sometimes, she won't be able to answer your texts etc and it's nothing personal.

Good luck and welcome to RP, while you aren't posting in the welcome section - mines a large glass of (virtual) wine and sod the time - clients are driving me crazy today!

I think you'll be absolutely fine Chianti. But don't be surprised if feeling low and lonely smacks you in the face when you least expect it. The key is keeping busy and having your own life.

There are plenty of Sandhhurst threads here so have a poke around.

Good to see the RN keeping the end up and opening the bar! Mine's a nip of whisky this cold and dank morning

Everyone has different ways of coping, and by the sounds of it your doing well.

I'm half way though a 6 month tour, and so far i think i've broken down twice. I'm very strong minded, i don't allow myself many off moments.

But keeping yourself busy is the only trick i've found that works.

Whatever your doing keep it up and don't allow yourself to feel guilty for coping.

Originally Posted by WhiteRose

Good to see the RN keeping the end up and opening the bar! Mine's a nip of whisky this cold and dank morning

Well, it seemed rude not to....

Your not a weirdo.
My oh went to basic in sept and I loved every min of him being away me and kids started a fresh new life and enjoyed the changes we made to our lives but since coming home for Xmas and going away agian both me and kids have had lots of bad days but we keep busy, send letters do anything that distracts you from thinking about it I've become a bit of an expert at DIY lately.

Well done for the positive thinking keep it up and for downdays the guys on here will soon sort you out

To echo the others no is not weird to cope well with your oH being away, keeping yourself busy and doing your own thing is the way I deal with it. There is the odd time when Mr S is away and it just hits me, and I feel rubbish, but usually after a trawl through here I feel much better.
I'll have a cheeky nip of sloe gin which I've just bottled For tasting purposes.

Enjoy the good happy feelings and do not panic!!!!!! It will be an emotional rollercoaster, trust me!

Welcome too and mine is a large voddie and russian please xxxx

So. While the OH has been away, I have coped with mother being admitted to hospital (the day after he deployed), work being a total mare and planning a wedding. Other than a minor stress when mum got admitted, I'm really proud with the way I've coped (and I haven't had to deal with half as much as some people, I realise) and now, 40 odd hours away from seeing him after 17 weeks, I'm almost stressing because I can't remember what it's like to have him around and in some ways it will be odd to have him home.

I think it's natural to worry when you cope well with something like this. I hear stories about other wives (not on here I don't think) being total wrecks when their OHs go away and crying all the time. I couldn't live like that, I just need to crack on with stuff.

Don't be too hard on yourself when you feel you're coping too well and don't be too hard on yourself when you don't think you're coping very well at all - that's my trick anyway. I just try to go with it and know there will be ups as well as downs.

Oooh - spanner Sloe gin - are you sharing (Sloe gin mixed with CHampers, or in January - Prosecco...mmm!!)
Chianti - we all cope in different ways. As others have said it could be the most insigificant thing that makes you upset... When mine was deployed I had a couple of off days but I find it harder being here and him the UK and have probably cried more and missed him more in the 10 days since being back than I did when he was away!
If you have your own life etc nothing much changes apart from the location of where they are 'away' - one thing I have realised from the men and women on here is, that to survive as a Military OH you need to be able to cope on your own and realise that sometimes when you are down places like this are the places to come and whinge and cry thus enabling you to wake up the morning after ready to face the world again - so Welcome!

I'm so glad I took the plunge and decided to join, thank you for the warm welcome and advice, and for not biting....well, yet anyway! It's amazingly reassuring when you know there are people on hand who've been through whatever lies ahead and it's also nice to know that even though my OH is the one who's left and meeting a whole new set of people I won't feel left behind as I can kind of do the same thing here! So I'll raise a large glass of Chianti and say...cheers!

Sloe gin Spanner? My dad sent me a bottle of home made stuff at Christmas and I haven't dared open it.

Originally Posted by Joey

I think it's natural to worry when you cope well with something like this. I hear stories about other wives (not on here I don't think) being total wrecks when their OHs go away and crying all the time.

I'm friends on fb with someone like that and her husband hasn't even deployed yet - he's only just out of Phase 2! One of the guys in OHs class at Raleigh PVRd as well cos his wife couldn't cope with him being away.

I think it's good to have a cry every so often but you can't live like that all the time.

I can only echo what the others have said. There may be times when you struggle a bit more but that's par for the course. When Mr K was away for a long stretch I found the second half harder, maybe because the end was in sight.

Sadly I'm working so I'll have a nice green tea and ginger please.

Mr D complained the last time he was away that I coped too well. I asked him what he would prefer me to be fine and get on with things or be a wreck in the corner. I wouldn't feel bad about it though. People cope differently with situations and I would be pretty chuffed if he coped ok when I go off for things.

Chianti, welcome to RP. You sound like the solid sort of spouse that will do well with Forces life. As many have said, you don't need to have superpowers (although it can help granted), you need an independent mind, you need to be able to rise to a challange, and most important of all, know when to let go and have a damn good howl, scream or hissy fit when it is needed. (Don't keep things locked up inside, that's when it all goes very wrong).

Keep your own friends and your own interests going whilst OH is away, and work on the principle that 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder).

If in doubt about anything, don't dwell on it.. come on here and ask.. one of us will have been there before and know the answer, even to the 'meaning of life, the universe and everything' which of course is 42!

Hugs

FPD

I'm the same, my boyfriend is in week 9 of his phase 1 and it's going pretty well. Obviously I miss him, and shed a couple of tears this evening as he's going back after a long weekend in the morning. We didn't live together either before he went, so we're well used to not living in eachothers pockets, so that definitely helps.

Good luck!