Thread: dissapointed!

I'm hoping that writing all this down makes me feel better because at the moment I'm feeling really quite upset but on the other hand the more I have thought about it this morning, the more angry I am getting!!
My OH is coming home next Sunday and I should be really happy and excited but I'm not. I was until Thursday though when he got one of his tempers on. I know he gets these and when he does he is vile and won't listen and you definately can't reason with him!! Everything (even if theres nothing) is your fault and god help you if you try and say otherwise!! He said a lot of things which he now regrets but I cannot forget them. He told me I am useless and can't be trusted to do the smallest thing. He also said I am not the person he thought I was I know they were words spoken in the heat of the moment and I have taken it a couple of times before. He is always really sorry after but this time I just feel really gutted He also tells me a horror story about what he has just had to deal with, normally it involves a child my Daughters age, lots of blood and a loss of limbs I made the mistake of telling him that I'm sorry he sees all that but its his job, well that was fuel to the fire. Then I got told that I'm no support to him
We have been together a year and a bit but this is my first experience at army life and the 4 month tour. I have found it really tough going at times but like the rest of you guys I have carried on regardless because I am willing to live like this as its his way of life.
I have sent him a parcel every week and blueys and e-blueys. That was my way of supporting him.
I dont really know what to do now. I couldn't vent anywhere else. I just feel down.

Emma regardless of what he might be going through you are not his whipping girl and shouldn't feel that you have to be as a way to support him.

The problem with words is that as soon as they're said you can't take them back. It's all well and good saying sorry but if someone says something that hits close enough to the bone you cant just make that go away. As awful as it is you need to ask yourself if you think they were 'heat of the moment' and nothing else or if that is genuinely how he feels and has used his temper as a way to say things he knows he never would under normal circumstances.

I know that sounds harsh but if you genuinely believe that there is no way he actually meant any of the things he said that talking, anger management and other things are a possible way forward for you and him but if there is even a tiny part of you that thinks that's how he feels the doubts over how he feels about you/why he is with you/what your purpose to him is will eat away at you and drive you slowly insane.

And if it helps I think you are spot on. Yes it is awful the things he has to see but he signed on the dotted line knowing what the rest of his career might then hold, he can't expect someone else to bear the brunt of his decisions. If he didn't have you, whose fault would it be then? He can't go through his whole life blaming someone else every time something goes wrong. Eventually he has to grow up and deal with his own shit!

Hugs to start off and sorry your so down

My OH used t be the same everytime he went away he would call and be very vile to me and upset me when in reality it is him that was down and upset and missing home, I found that because I was at home doing normal things and essentially living my life he hated it,, hated the freedom I had and vented at me I could really do no right. It is how you deal with things and how they deal with things, I learnt to ignore it and as hard as it was I would hang up the minute he started saying if he could be civil I wouldnt talk to him we have been together 13 years and it is a lot better. I hope you can work things out, its a hard life for us as well they just forget that sometimes xx

Hugs Emma
Things are always worse when it's done over the phone and you can't 'instantly' talk to them again.
ST is right though - you are not his whipping stick. Yes we all lash out now and then at our nearest and dearest due to stressful situations and keeping things in, but it shouldn't be what happens all the time.
Support works both ways - yes more often than not they are the one away dealing with all sorts of nonsense etc etc, but it is their job at the end of the day. They chose the career path and all that it entails. It is hard being the supportive one at home sending letters and being all cheery on phone calls when life here is also giving you a hard time. When you have heard about kids with blood and limbs, you may think having a whinge about next doors cat may seem insignificant but the point is we all have things that bother us and the only way any relationship works (more so these types of long periods apart) is that communication is paramount - and that means not constantly shouting and making the other person feel bad.
Lashing out verbally is awful as the words sting - and in these situations they will sting till the next time you talk to him, and they will fester there with you. If this is truly not like him (i.e. this only happens when he is on tour) then as ST says maybe some sort of anger management or talking it through with someone else may help as it's not fair that it's always you who is on the receiving end of the 'lashing'.
You have 5 more days till he is home - try to keep that as a positive thought -this time next week he will be with you- and remember we are always here to listen! x

You don't deserve to be a verbal, mental or physical punchbag because of what he has, is or will see.

Tell him to start winding his neck in.

Thanks for the kind words. I feel I should add that ordinarily he is an absolute gem of a guy who would do anything for anyone and treats me well all other times. Its just this anger issue. I know not to 'push the wrong button' but I never do - he just rares up so quick you don't even realise. I think I might take your advice Beckyfaye1981 and in future if this happens (I'm sure it will) I will just tell him that until he can be civil I dont want to talk to him. And he also has admitted that he's jealous of the fact that I have my normal life and 'freedom', but again, thats not my fault. ST - I dont believe what he says as he always apologises loads after and says that he didnt mean any of it, its just that the words hurt and although I shouldnt, I do take it to heart. He thinks I'm ok now and we are cool but I'm not but to explain to him would just re-ignite the flame so i don't see the point!

Agree totally with the above but wanted to add one thing.

In your OP you say that you already know that he has these tempers. That worries me. If this was new behaviour because it was his first deployment I would be more sympathetic. You need to sit and think (perhaps list) the other times you saw this temper and what triggered it. Then ask yourself how it makes you feel when it happens and exactly what he says to you each time.

I don't like the way that his temper is being used to put you down and criticise you. You are not on this planet to be someone's whipping boy or to be treated like that.

(sorry - I have to say it and it sounds harsh but that is my opinion).

TLC x

You say you know not to push the wrong button - is that really fair? You have to make sure you're not upsetting him all the time? To me that sounds off, I have a temper and I know I do but that means that I keep myself in check not have other people do that to themselves. I have fallen out with a mate numerous times because I've let my temper get in the way, I know he knows I don't mean it and its just the way I get but thats not the point I shouldn't have done/said it and thats my problem and something I need to sort.

If he hates the freedom you have and that you can do what you want whenever you want then he can sign off then he wouldn't be sent away to see the things that he is currently.

No one deserves to be on the receiving end of a nasty temper (being on the giving end isn't great either) you've done nothing wrong and he needs to realise that. Personally I would explain to him that things are not good, his behaviour is not acceptable and he has 5 days in which to make a conscious decision to improve the way he treats you - but thats just me.

He's sorry, that makes it all okay then. But one day he won't say it, then one day it will be you saying sorry. Then one day you'll be begging him for forgiveness because you said the wrong thing, or looked at him the wrong way or didn't get his tea on the table quick enough. Then one day he'll shove you and he'll be sorry and he'll beg you for forgiveness. Then one day the shove will turn into a slap, a punch to the kidneys or a beating so severe you end up in hospital and it'll be you begging him for forgiveness because you pressed the buttons you tried desperately not to press.

Unless you do something about his behaviour now, one day you'll be broken, physically and emotionally and will believe it's your fault. What you're describing now is how domestic violence begins and escalates. Do you want your daughter to grow up expecting and accepting this is how women should be treated?

Tell him to get help, while you're still strong enough to do so.

I feel like I've made him out to be an ogre - he's really not!! He told me about these temper issues when we first met and its only reared its ugly head about 4 times in the past year. Its just this time seems to have hurt the most, I guess because I have been looking forward to his return so much but now feel its been marred. And also, he's not on the frontline or anywhere near it doing the fighting - he does a different job!! The last time he got like this was because I didn't go to my towns remembrance parade - I was called all sorts then too and told I had no respect. I had no reason for not going, and have been in the past, but always buy numerous poppys and make donations. I also have a 4 yr old who wouldnt have made the walk!!

It's not a question of him being an ogre or not. Read through your posts and see the excuses you make for him. Right now he just loses his temper now and again but if he doesn't learn to deal with that it can quickly escalate and if you are already in the habit of making excuses for him you'll continue to do so no matter how bad his behaviour gets.

Speak to a hundred abused people and they will all tell you what lovely men and women their partners are....when they're not angry.

What worries me is that you said 'to explain it to him would reignite the flame'. So you don't want to discuss a behaviour that you're not happy with and made you feel like shit just in case you set him off again. Can you see why as someone reading this without knowing anymore than what you have said would be concerned that you feel that way?

And the fact that he told you he had anger issues before you got together doesnt excuse anything. To be perfectly honest it almost makes it worse. He knows he has a problem with his temper and yet he doesn't do anything about it.

I have a temper and I was worried that Mr Tree and I moving in together would be a disaster because he'd invade my personal space and my temper would rear it's ugly head again. So we talked about it...did I say 'I have a bad temper so if we live together and I shout at you and tell you what a useless cock you are just ignore it' Did I hell. I told him we'd give it a trial run but if i ever walked away from him to get some space he had to just leave me to get into a better headspace, not follow me and make the situation worse. He did and still does and in 4 years we've had one argument that involved raised voices and that's it.

I'm not trying to say 'look at me i'm perfect' what I'm saying is look at other people, they know their faults and they find ways to deal with them that don't involve making other people feel like crap and blaming it all on anyone but themselves.

I'm not suggesting he's an ogre or that he doesn't treat you like a princess most of the time just hoping that you make him understand that 9 out of ten times isn't good enough and he needs to kerb that temper or sod off!

Originally Posted by emmalou

I feel like I've made him out to be an ogre - he's really not!! He told me about these temper issues when we first met and its only reared its ugly head about 4 times in the past year. Its just this time seems to have hurt the most, I guess because I have been looking forward to his return so much but now feel its been marred. And also, he's not on the frontline or anywhere near it doing the fighting - he does a different job!! The last time he got like this was because I didn't go to my towns remembrance parade - I was called all sorts then too and told I had no respect. I had no reason for not going, and have been in the past, but always buy numerous poppys and make donations. I also have a 4 yr old who wouldnt have made the walk!!

It just all sounds so manipulative!! He sounds like such a bully. You don't have to attend rememberance day to show respect, wearing a poppy, observing the two minute silence shows respect. Most of all, teaching our children why we will never ever forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice shows respect.

He sounds like a nutjob.

TLC x

I would just be careful, especially as you have children...... Everyone acts in different ways, but you were obviously scared/concerned/stressed to come to ask for help. No one, and I mean NO ONE should be made to feel like that. It is not healthy for you or your family. He is a grown man, not a boy and shouldn't take it out on you

I am sure that he isn't a ogre, more of the incredible hulk, 'don't make me angry', do you want to live with that....???? His anger issues aren't new either, he knows he has a problem, and you know that too, but still want to put yourself through it......

I would walk away if I was you, you have the warning signs, but yet continue to attempt to change him (how many times have I heard women trying to excuse their partners behaviour... zzzzz- babe, he will never change!)

As GS says, get him help and try to help him whilst you are strong enough, I saw my sister go through an abusive relationship and it is the most awful thing to see, a perfectly strong beautiful women turned into a quivering nervous shell of herself. You don't have to stop seeing him, but talk to him, you can't go on like that, no one should. Be strong and make the right decision, not just for you, but your children.

Good luck and I hope that i havn't been too negative, but this is a bit too close to home to me, and I hate to comment on other peoples relationships as you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but just remember emotional scars are harder to hide and heal than physical ones

big hug Miss P xxxx

Emma get out now, he sounds like a complete vile idiot!

Originally Posted by bootifull

Emma get out now, he sounds like a complete vile idiot!

i second that

ST, I can see what you are saying about making excuses.
And this outburst all happened because when he left 4 months ago, he asked me to get a minor problem on his car fixed. I was using a mechanic that a friend uses but it took him a while to get back to me to arrange booking the car in. Eventually he said he could do it on a saturday a couple of weeks into Dec but then something else came up and he couldnt do it. By this time it was christmas so that was another few weeks lost. I was meant to take it over yesterday but in the week the guy rang and his manager had said that it couldnt be done on a sat - it was too big a job.
We reaaranged for me to take it one day this coming week but that wasnt good enough for my oh. This is where the 'I'm useless' bit came in. He felt I had let him down because I hadnt got the car done (He wouldnt listen to the fact that it was getting done this week) It was my fault because I should have rung the mechanic before I did and not left it to the last minute!! I didnt think mid Nov was last minute and the fact that the mechanic had to rearrange again was hardly my fault!! I tried explaining that I'd tried my best and I was still getting it done before he is back but when he is in one of those theres no reasoning with him. I'm not getting it done now - although he has had the cheek to ask me to ring a different garage and get it booked in!!!!

Four times in a year is a lot. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that in a normal relationship at all. Mr K has lost his temper with me once in five years and he won't be doing it again. Stop pussyfooting around him and when he does it again (and he will) tell him you're having nothing to do with him until he can be civil. Personally I'd be looking at an exit strategy if I were you - can you really be bothered to live your life tiptoeing around him and his moods?

Originally Posted by emmalou

ST, I can see what you are saying about making excuses.
And this outburst all happened because when he left 4 months ago, he asked me to get a minor problem on his car fixed. I was using a mechanic that a friend uses but it took him a while to get back to me to arrange booking the car in. Eventually he said he could do it on a saturday a couple of weeks into Dec but then something else came up and he couldnt do it. By this time it was christmas so that was another few weeks lost. I was meant to take it over yesterday but in the week the guy rang and his manager had said that it couldnt be done on a sat - it was too big a job.
We reaaranged for me to take it one day this coming week but that wasnt good enough for my oh. This is where the 'I'm useless' bit came in. He felt I had let him down because I hadnt got the car done (He wouldnt listen to the fact that it was getting done this week) It was my fault because I should have rung the mechanic before I did and not left it to the last minute!! I didnt think mid Nov was last minute and the fact that the mechanic had to rearrange again was hardly my fault!! I tried explaining that I'd tried my best and I was still getting it done before he is back but when he is in one of those theres no reasoning with him. I'm not getting it done now - although he has had the cheek to ask me to ring a different garage and get it booked in!!!!

this is what we are all on about when we say you are making excuses for him... or that you feel the need to explain things ... you are worth more...

Four times is four times too many.

I'm like S_T I need to walk away from situations before things escalate. I went on holiday with a bf once and we had a talk before we went (this was a pretty volatile relationship - we both had tempers and this was before I could control mine) that if I wasn't happy then I was just going to walk away from him, this was apparently fine unless we were in public as that made it embarrassing for him, so I said it straight do you want me to embarrass you by walking away or shouting at the top of my voice? He agreed to let me walk away - we only had one fall out the entire trip and that was because out of 14 nights there was one that I chose not to drink and got to bed early!

No one should put up with my temper just like you shouldn't put up with his, he obviously doesn't view it as his problem more as something that other people cause and can therefore be blamed for, please talk to him - if he gets angry then it just shows that he doesn't really care what you say or that you're supposed to be in something together.

Personally I would talk to him somewhere public and if he doesn't agree to work on his problem then walk away

What is wrong you Emma....???!!!!! Leave now, whilst you still can.. end of! no excuses, no ifs and no buts, stop making excuses for him

He is a wrongen, pure and simple, unless of course you like to be treated like 'sh1t', then fine stay with him, and lets hope that your little girl never does anything to upset him......

sorry, i tried to pussyfoot around before, but, I can't, these type of men, really grip my sh1t and make me so angry! you are worth SO much more! xxxxx