Thread: dissapointed!

Stupid thing is, I thought I was a tough cookie. Thanks for all your replies - you've all helped massively. Sometimes an outsiders opinion just makes everything a lot clearer!! There are only so many chances people should get!!
Just hope he don't come on here and read all this!!

Start thinking about your exit plan. I would think that when he next gets in contact gives you the perfect opportunity.

This type of bloke is extremely manipulative. You need to go to nil contact asap as if you give him even a chink of hope that he can re-manipulate you at any point he will try.

You know we are all here for you and will help you as much as we possibly can.

TLC x

Emma, change your ticker hon!!!!!! xxxxx

It doesn't matter how much of a tough cookie you are people can still get to you and I think TLC has covered the rest.

Think and yourself and the little one you both deserve so much better!

This is awfully close to home so I'm not going to offer any advice as I don't think I can say it any better than others have (GS & TLC especially!). Reading your posts reminds me of the excuses I used to make for DDs Dad.

You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like that and I'm sure you know what to do. For both your sake and that of your little one, don't put it off xxx

Originally Posted by emmalou

Stupid thing is, I thought I was a tough cookie. Thanks for all your replies - you've all helped massively. Sometimes an outsiders opinion just makes everything a lot clearer!! There are only so many chances people should get!!
Just hope he don't come on here and read all this!!

..........it might do him some good to realise what people think of his behaviour! Good luck - I hope you meet someone who deserves you.

I just wanted to say thanks again for all your advice, all of which I have taken on board. We have spoke this evening and I explained how he has made me feel and I think he has realised! I'm not excusing the way he was and when it happens again I will walk away until he is civil, but I do have enormous feelings for him. Many of you may think I'm a fool and time will tell, but he really isnt that bad :-/

I don't think you're a fool. If this is the 1st time you've ever confronted the situation head on then its only natural that you want to give him a chance to prove he cares enough to change. I think if you had walked away not having told him how you felt you probably would have wondered what if.

By all means give it your best shot but please keep your eyes open. If you're in doubt about anything no-one is going to judge you if you ask for opinions. Don't think that just because you went against the general consensus that you're now on your own. We've got your back no matter what. Good luck, I sincerely hope your faith in him is repaid x

Agree with ST, it is totally your choice. BUT, I don't think you should ever, ever leave your daughter in the same room as him, leave them alone, let him babysit for you or take her out on his own. You have no idea when one of his "tempers" is going to happen and if it did, she may not feel 100% about talking to you about it, for fear of getting in trouble. I have no idea how old your daughter is actually, but your posts indicate that she is quite young. You could never live with yourself if when she was grown up she turned round and said to you "remember that fella - he used to be horrible to me when you weren't there".

The other thing, is that I think you should google destructive relationships and see if the description matches your relationship. We only know a tiny part of your relationship but he does sound controlling and mentally abusive to me.

Right now in this relationship you are on a rollercoaster, by that I mean it is all peaks and troughs. The peak times are the climbing to the highest points, when the going is good and he is being charming. The troughs are the downhill bits and the twisting from side to side when his behaviour is vile and unacceptable. What happens is that people get addicted to the peaks and the troughs and believe me, it is an addiction. The more he sucks you into the game the harder it is going to be for you to detach yourself.

Quite frankly I think what he has done is pushed you as far as he can to get a reaction. The fact your reaction has not been "It's over" and instead it has been you explaining to him what he did wrong. He already knew that, he was testing you to see what your reaction would be. No sane person would tolerate his behaviour. Let alone someone with a child as your child is too precious. He knows right now that he has won, and sometime in the future, once again he will lose his temper and once again, he will blame it on something that you have "not done". Once again it will be your fault, and once again you will make excuses and after a few days it will be OK. Over time he will gradually eat away at your self-esteem, cut you off from people and isolate you.

Bear in mind that a lot of men like this actually behave like this to "buy themselves time" out of the relationship. Once confronted they go off the radar for a few days. Another classic control trick. What they actually wanted was time away from you in the first place, but instead of just telling you, they pick a fight - get a reaction, blame you and then storm off into the sunset. Woman then spends the next few days desperately ringing/texting/emailing and waiting for a response.

Or, suddenly you have things to do but somehow you do not do them, perhaps your purse is missing. You can't find your car keys, he goes out your handbag or phone "accidentally" the car has no petrol, again, those things can all be done by someone who is mentally abusive.

Disclaimer, before I get picked up on this, I know that it is not all men who do this but some women as well!!

I don't want you ever to think that if you posted on RP that it was over any of us would judge you or say "told you so", I just hope that one day soon you are going to realise that you have one life and it is not worth spending it with someone who treats you this way.

Take care

TLC x

Don't mean to dampen your day but he WILL do it again because that is who he is, he won't change, it's part of him.

You are not a punch bag for any of his issues and if you mean it, about leaving, then you need to follow through. If you don't follow through, I can guarantee that those verbal lashings will not be few and far between. It's a sign of a bully and a weakened man, having to act like that towards anyone, let alone a woman and one who is supposed to be his partner.

My ex husband was exactly like this but the lashings became phsyical in the end and I was still lying to myself for a fair while, that 'he didn't mean it'.

I went on a couple of dates with a guy at the end of this year, then 2 weeks ago, he lashed out at me in pretty much the same way, your OH did to you. And why? Because he neglected to mention that he was standing me up, so yes I told him it was rude to do, as I had arranged childcare, which wasn't easy. As I went to walk away, the shower of verbal slatings came along. If the standing up thing hadn't made me think he wasn't worth the air i breathe, then that showering defo was.

You deserve a hell of a lot better

This really triggered with me, not about my husband but my father.

My dad did a full military career. He was a combat medic and he Saw Stuff, especially on a humanitarian thing in Honduras and in the first Gulf War. He refused to talk to me about it, but I eavesdropped on him talking to my mom, and there was a little girl, my age (6) he had to treat because her father had chopped her foot off with a machete. So I get the whole, limbs and blood thing.

My dad made our house a misery my entire life because the world revolved around Don't Make Dad Angry. Watching home videos now is heart breaking because I can see, plain as day, my mom being very careful, and us 4 kids huddled around her and giving my father as much space as possible. We never hugged him unless he invited us to do so. My father used to be very verbally abusive to my mother (just like your partner is to you) when he was Angry. It was not every day or even often, but the stench of it hung in the air for weeks. I never saw my father hit anyone, but I did see him slam my brother against the wall and pick up my younger brother and shake him. I was on the reciving end a few times as well; I remember him shoving me as I was sat at the dinner table so hard that my chair tipped over and I split my head open on the filing cabinet behind me as I fell. But, my dad never 'hit' any of us.

Plain fact: my dad was an abuser. He wasn't responsible for his actions because he was 'angry', and it was always our faults for making him angry. So it was our fault when he shouted and screamed and belittled us and was violent (without hitting). I can't speak to your relationship with your partner but I can understand how your daughter will feel when she's grown up living with a man who has uncontrollable tempers that make mommy cry.

Do not, for one moment, allow him to treat you like this. Ever. Tell him it isn't acceptable. Make rules and hold him to them. If he breaks the rules, leave him- and hold yourself to that.

I have known and loved soldiers my whole life and I know that, especially with PTSD and Gulf War Syndrome (my dad has both) they do have baggage that will need special attention. But that doesn't mean for one moment that the standards of his behaviour are lowered. He is never allowed to disrespect you. Do not let him.

I am not saying leave him, but do set the rules now or you will get sucked into a cycle and not know how to get out. I hope you are able to work things out with him and it all goes well for you in the future. PM if you ever need an ear. xx

I see you've sorted things out or smoothed them over- I hope it goes well but... I read this

Originally Posted by emmalou

Stupid thing is, I thought I was a tough cookie.

..and it made me cry- full on snotty tears. It hit a nerve. I remember when I used to sit thinking back to when I was a tough cookie and had balls of steel and took no shizzel, usually after taking a verbal hammering and feeling like crap. Their words hurt because usually its something that you can actually justify them saying - you had 4 months to get the car sorted so why the fook isn't it sorted?...The truth is because it isn't. Sh!t happens.

I am the kind of person who would tell people to kiss my arrse if they didn't like the way I was, so why for years was I a nervous wreck because I had planned to clean a certain room and hadn't got it done in time as the kids were ill or whatever in time for him to get home from work?. Because they're cleverer and more sly than you would ever know.

I know its a different scenario and things might not get that bad- but its up to you now to make sure they don't, kicking off after an outburst doesn't help- of course he'll be sorry because he's off loaded his venom on to you and now feel's better and at first a little guilty until you let it go so many times he actually thinks he's right...it doesn't matter that you now feel like crap and his words hang heavy over you...the amount of times I was told to get over being called a *insert word* cnut is untrue.

You need to make big changes now and make sure they stick.

I'm not picking on you, I just can't believe how this post has brought back so many memories.

Just for the record you ARE strong. You can't save him and you can't change him- his temper problems are his and not yours or your fault. I myself have temper problems and poor G has been at the wrong end of them a couple of times but it has always been my problem that I lost it so much. I too prefer to walk away.

My weakest moment was going back to my Ex after having the courage to leave, I regretted it instantly but it took another 4 years to get the courage again and when I did finally go me and the kids left with nothing but the clothes on our back's and it was one of the happiest times of my life.

I sincerely hope things do change for you- and even though most of us on here have said his behaviour is totally wrong and more or less told you to walk, do not think we're not still here to support you, should it happen again tell us, tell anyone as we're all here no matter what you decide. You don't have to feel alone.

Sorry it's so long and not very positive.

Love to you

Also, if he really wants to make it work, he'll accept counselling.. make it a suggestion, that you seek counselling together on how to communicate effectively and he gets counselling to help with his temper.

If you go for the communication one as well, it shows him that you both want to work at it... just a thought

I know you love him, but it's also about respect as well, a relationship without either will not work.

I'm going to say just this. He is a bully, and I totally agree with Golden Showers, this is the start of classic domestic violence. You have your life ahead of you, and you deserve to be treated well. If he wants you that much, he'll sort himself out and come after you, but until he does, get out now.

EnigmaRole, Thank you for what you wrote I'm only sorry I upset you
I spent a week upset but realised Thursday that I couldnt be like that anymore for the sake of my girls, and I was shattered by it!! I think too much but have decided that actually I am a nice, decent, honest, hard working kinda girl. I have friends and they LIKE me, my neighbours LIKE me and more importantly I LIKE me. I will not 'change' or tip toe around him and I am not going to put up with his temper tantrums anymore. I am going to give it one more try though but thats all. I already know its going to happen again but am prepared this time!!
I am back to the good 'ol me and I am NOT a bloody doormat!!

He is home tomorrow and after a very honest and open (him suprisingly) phonecall yesterday, my excitement has returned
I will still be coming on here but would like to thank you for all your support lately xx

Emmalou - enjoy his homecoming and I wish you all the luck for the future. You know where we all are if you need us.

TLC x