Thread: Might have made a mistake.

I've not yet been married a year with the current Mrs G_S. Yet for the past couple of months I've found myself wondering if it was a bit of a mistake doing do.

I don't love her. I care about her a lot, and I obviously thought I loved her (wouldn't have married her otherwise!). But now I've realised I/we jumped into this far too quickly, and that I am actually still totally and utterly in love with the ex Mrs G_S.

Now I know that the ex will not take me back, I fcuked that up royally. So that's not an issue at all, I am wondering however, how fair I am being by continuing with the current Mrs. G_S. I can't tell her I don't love her, because that just seems a bastard thing to do. Do I give myself a time limit to 'fall in love'? Or just jack it in now? Or just man up and get on with it, neither of us are getting any younger, so might be the best thing for the future. Truth be told, if we were still just in a relationship rather than married I would probably not be feeling like this now. I feel sure that we would have carried on as we were for a few years and then gone our separate ways.

I am aware that posting on here isn't going to give me the answer, but I can't really speak to anyone in real life about this. I'm a bloke, and we don't share things, I just wanted to get it out there so to speak.

G_S

I didn't want to read and run although I'm not sure I can give you any answers. I've been in a relationship where I felt like this, although we were just engaged and not married. We carried on for another year after I felt it wasn't right as he had sold his place to move in with me and I felt guilty that I would have somewhere and he wouldn't. That just made it worse as by the time we split we owned a property together.

Is there anything else going on in your life that could be effecting your judgement about how you feel?

You obviously had strong feelings for your wife at some point, do you think if you worked at it you could feel like that again? If you don't and really feel the relationship will end at some point anyway, is it fair to drag it out until you are both really unhappy?

The only advice I could give from my experiences is don't stay because it's the easy thing to do or because you don't want to hurt your wife, I did that and we both ended up unhappy. Relationships do take work but sometimes you have to admit it won't have a happy ending.

I hope things work out for you x

Can you hear the feet shuffling and embarrassed blushes?

We're all pondering, give us time......

Beebs x

Very true beebs.

My words of wisdom are this. You have made one mistake already and regretted it. Have you only just really realised this or known for sometime? If its the first, then this is going to seriously affect how you are feeling now, if its the second, how have things been up til now? Regrets are how we live and learn. Do you think you would be happy with anyone other than the ex?

Only you can be sure about what to do. But be as sure as you can this time if that's at all possible. What happens happens. Happiness is there somewhere, you just need to find it, whether it is with her or not.

All the best
Hx

Now, I am completely crap at relationships, so take this with a pinch of salt if you like.

Perhaps I am cynical or just very pragmatic, but I think a lot of people feel like you a year or so into their marriage, or relationship. I do wonder if sometimes it is when the relationship gets into the nitty gritty of daily life that it just feels, well, less special. In the early days it's all so exciting and sexy, and then real life kicks in. Text messages go from filthy promises of dirty sex to "get loo roll and milk". It's just not talked about, so good for you that (a) you realise there is a problem and (b) speaking up about it.

Is it just a phase or do you genuinely feel that you are not in love anymore? If the answer is no, then I think you have to be fair to your OH. Only you know the answer to that one, and perhaps by asking the question out aloud then perhaps you have already made up your mind.....


TLC x

How would you feel if it was the other way around? Would you want her to stay just in case she might fall in love with you, or would you want her to just walk away and let you get on with your life without living a lie?

Only you know the answer to how you really feel.

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

Can you hear the feet shuffling and embarrassed blushes?

We're all pondering, give us time......

Beebs x

Now that made me smile.

I can echo the sentiment already expressed by the other ladies on here.

There must be something, some spark, that got you together in the first place and made you decide that marriage was a good thing. Can you recall what that was? And has the spark merely dimmed with the drab reality of everyday life? Or, and forgive me for being blunt but I'm a Yorkshire bird, did you marry for the wrong reasons and that decision has come home to roost?

You can't hang around waiting for love to ignite in a relationship where it's gone out without discussion with your other half. But don't be afraid, I know plenty who have said to their partners "I'm sorry, I just don't love you any more" and out of fairness have walked away from the relationship. Sometimes the other partner doesn't see the problem - like working all hours the heavens send and wondering why the partner up sticks and walks out citing no particular reason other than feeling they come a distant second to work.

Blokes "can" talk about their feelings, they're just under peer pressure not to. The world would be a much better place if we didn't bottle things up so much. So many congratulations, you've made the first step by saying there's something not right.

An unhappy marriage is a very unhappy place to be and that unhappiness will bleed out into other parts of your live and royally screw up your waking hours. If the only things keeping you together are a potential spark that might or might not be there, and a deep-rooted feeling of not being alone in life, then you're married for the wrong reasons. Get out now.

It is far better to be honest than to keep quiet. Be brave, be bold.

Better to be honest IMO, tell her how you're feeling - pref without the reference to the ex Mrs G_S as that will just make things turn into a huge row! Maybe suggest going to Relate (or something similar, it is the only one I have heard of) to talk things through, I wouldn't just walk away without trying to make it work, not suggesting you would!

Oh and maybe leave it until the New Year to talk about?

Be honest with yourself, what has made you think of this now? Are you looking at the grass being greener, so to speak? Is home life not fulfilling enough? Why not try to spice things up, get back to that 'honey moon stage' and see if your feelings change?

If you can't bring yourself to do that and you're staying with the Mrs, out of pity, then it's better to end it now (well, wait til after xmas). Or sit down and have a talk, try a trial seperation and see how it goes.

But if you know 110% that this is a no go, then don't stay and try to make it work, it will make things worse when it eventually ends. Be honest, least give her respect in that sense.

I've pondered.

G-S I think you need to talk to someone who knows you better than us lot.

We can give you as much lip services as you can handle, but you know who I think you should talk to, either your wife's friend, sister or another person she's close to, she may have noticed a cooling and mentioned it.

Also get yourself into counseling, you can't go through life fukcing up and moving on, what are you looking for? Your ex-wife in another package? It doesn't exist, she didn't exist, your memories are clouded by idealistic sadness at failing.

Don't make do and mend if you don't think it'll work. To thine own self be true....... But don't fukc up again!

And warts and all, we still all care about you.

Beebs x

In my experience, if 'love' ain't there, then it ain't going to happen! Once the spark us gone, it's gone and no amount of thinking romantic thoughts will bring it back.

Some people can live like that, others can't. I did it for 10 years of a 12 year marriage, I knew on my wedding day I didn't want it but didn't want to let my parents down. I thought I could learn to love him.

I even made the classic mistake of having children as I honestly believed the intimacy of it all might spark something.

Im divorced!

As someone else said, how would you feel if the situation were reversed?

My opinion... Brutal honesty! You need to decide if you can 'settle'. If not you owe her honesty, no sugar coating. Don't be vicious, but don't give her any reason to think things may change. And PLEASE don't be one of those blokes who 'pops back to check she's ok' every time you get a twitchy willy!

You may be surprised at how much she already knows, we're very intuitive us snakes.

Good luck GS, what a horrible situation!

The truth is, I fancied her and I still do.

I don't want to paint a picture of misery, because it isn't miserable. She's a decent woman, we have a laugh, the sex is fine and I feel comfortable with her. As I said before, I care about her a lot. I'm just not in love with her and when I think back I am pretty sure I never did, but thought I did.

I'm not going to say she forced me to marry her, she didn't. But she did tell me that if I didn't she was off. I think I panicked.

I'll speak to her in the new year.

I feel for you, this must be an awful time for you.

It occurs to me that it's no coincidence that you are pre-occupied by these thoughts just before Christmas. I think that many people who are worried by aspects of their relationships find that these worries become horribly acute at this time of year. There are so many images in the media of happy families celebrating the mythical perfect Christmas, that it throws into relief any worries one might have about not being totally happy with the way things are at home and in the real world. The run-up to Christmas is also immensely stressful for many people in all kinds of ways and precipitates all manner of concerns as a side effect.

I'm not sure that I am exactly qualified to give relationship advice, it would be like letting someone who had careered round the corner and demolished their own garage give you driving lessons.

I wonder whether it might be worth asking Relate what they have to offer in your area? Might be a good idea to enquire this week - January (the fallout from Christmas and the New Year) is their busiest time of the year and the phone lines will be buzzing in a fortnight's time.

Speaking to a Relate counsellor might not change the way you feel, but it might help you clarify in your mind what you want to do about it and how best to broach this with your wife.

This is a really tough time and I've not been in that position as such.

Firstly, looking back at what you had and lost, around the holiday period, isn't a good place to be when looking at your current relationship, it's all too easy to brush the bad bits under the carpet and remember only the good parts to it.

I'd take time to work out why you are suddenly feeling this way about your ex, is it just the rosy glow of nostalgia and what Christmas used to be like... or is it truly how you feel, when you remember all the reasons why you split, no matter who's fault it was.

Also, and this is the most difficult to do because working out if you are down and depressed, isn't always possible when you are in that position, but try and make sure you aren't feeling a little depressed, because that will numb down your current feelings now, and heighten the feelings of loss for the relationship that failed.

Have a good long think about it all and I'd then second the advice about seeing a relate counsellor, alone initially, to help you work out how you feel and how best to approach this with the current Mrs G_S, but be prepared for her to not understand or want to go to counselling with you to give it a go.

Having spent a weekend, with someone, who's partner had decided it was over, just before Christmas (2 weekends ago) and said he wouldn't attend any counselling sessions with her, I know the impact that it has had on her and her self confidence, at least if you attend sessions, she can feel she had a voice and decided with you on the outcome.

At least attending some with her, allows her to come to terms with it all as well, if you decide that you don't want to continue, or it may make you remember the reasons for marrying...

Don't approach this with a "done deal" mind set as there are 2 people in a relationship and even if you know, deep down, that you are going to walk away, at least if you've done the counselling thing, you have given her time to adjust.

What ever happens, I hope it works out for you one way or another.

Can't really add anything but sending you a hug x


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Whoever your OH is may have little or no idea how you are feeling. Therefore, may have no idea that in the New Year her world will potentially come crashing down. Therefore, I totally agree with the other post which suggested attending couples counselling.

I have to say, because I want to be completely upfront with you about this, it is quite unusual to hear someone being so honest about this type of situation. It shows why when my female friends say "I had no idea because everything was brilliant/we were still sleeping together/he never went out on his own (delete as necessary), it is because some people (men and women) are capable of carrying on the facade of everything being OK.

I think you need to perhaps think about will happen after your "conversation", how are you going to handle it if there is complete non-acceptance of the situation. She may well think you can work through it, what then? You may have to be really, really blunt about ending it all. Have you thought about the practicalities of one of you leaving home and how quickly it would happen? Does she have friends and family around to lean on or is she alone? Have you thought about the different scenarios that could happen following your conversation with her?

Being female, I really feel for your OH actually. Is there anyone else hoping that she tells you to F* off , destroys your belongings and boils your bunny?

TLC x

What's being female got to do with it? My ex husband was devastated.....he genuinely thought we were 'happy'!

IF ending the marriage turns out to be gs's only way forward then yes she'll be hurt, bewildered, furious BUT not as much as she would be if he waits 10 years then tells her he wasn't sure he ever loved her!

I really feel for both of the parties....it's a hard thing to end a marriage unilaterally but GS you'll get as much support here as any girl would ( you're an honorary burd after all)

When Mr Tree and I got married one of the things I made him promise was that if he fell out of love with me he wouldn't try and pretend for my sake or the sake of any future children. I told him that yes I would be hurt if it was unexpected but it would be far worse later down the line if I found out he'd been pretending for years. It would essentially destroy any good memories we created because I would always look back and wonder if it was real or faked for my benefit.

In the short term its never going to be easy and if she is oblivious she will no doubt hate your guts for a long time to come but in the long term she'll be able to look back and know that the time you were together was real for as long as it lasted.

I dont know if you are old enough to be at a point in your life where you are both happy to settle for companionship over true love but if you know you're not then the kindest thing to do is to walk away so you both have the option to find something better.

Tough situation and I really feel for you and mrs g_s

Originally Posted by Tootsie_Le_Coq

Being female, I really feel for your OH actually. Is there anyone else hoping that she tells you to F* off , destroys your belongings and boils your bunny?

TLC x

There's nothing that anyone can say that will make me feel more of a cnut than I already feel.

The fact is, that on here no one has a scooby who I am. No one has a scooby who my wife is. No one has a scooby who my ex wife is, and so I feel, at the moment I can actually say what I need to say in the bluntest way about how I feel about the woman I'm married to.

Practicalities, not thought through no, not really. She could quite easily move back into her house that hasn't yet sold. Friends and family she has lots. She isn't someone will be left to wallow on her own.

I'm not intentionally a nasty bastard. I didn't want to arrive here. But it's happened, and I need to sort it out, however that may be.
G_S