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Discuss Help please- Sandhurst girlfriend of May 2011 intake, does it ever get any better? in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Hi, I am new to this and haven't worked out how to publish a post but have been reading this thread a lot! My boyfriend went into the May 2011 intake and I prepared myself ...
  
  1. #1
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    Help please- Sandhurst girlfriend of May 2011 intake, does it ever get any better?

    Hi, I am new to this and haven't worked out how to publish a post but have been reading this thread a lot!
    My boyfriend went into the May 2011 intake and I prepared myself for the worst and read all about the first five weeks. He has had 3 visits home, one 2x 3 nights and 1 most recent which was less than 24 hours. I am very close to ending the relationship as I am constantly heartbroken at the lack of contact that we have. We have one phone conversation a week tops and 2 text messages a week if I'm lucky. Is this normal? He has now been there 2 months and it's not getting any better, if anything it's getting much worse in terms of being able to contact each other....he also has now lost his phone on the train back to Sandhurst and is off to Germany tomorrow, so it's looking like zero contact for the foreseeable future..

    The other thing is that I am worried he is really changing, he is much more serious, which was to be expected- but also very emotionally disconnected, he finds it hard to be loving and romantic when he is back and I feel like his sensitive/loving side has been sapped from him. He seems emotionally unavailable and I feel like I have lost the boyfriend I fell in love with. Is this normal?

    I don't know anyone else who has had a boyfriend go to sandhurst- please help!
    thank you xxx

  2. #2
    Senior Member bootifull's Avatar
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    Now now stop being so needy he is training to join the British Army not the Sally Army he needs to be focused on his training and not you!
    Mimi: "I'm a fat f*ck. I'm a f*cking fat f*cker".

  3. #3
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    Hmmm, you need to get a grip of yourself, pull yourself together and support him, not strangle him. If you can't do this, you are likely to drive him away anyway.
    Chaos, panic, disorder, my work here is done!

  4. #4
    Senior Member draegora's Avatar
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    Hi SGirlfiend - was that a typo or are you really a fiend?

    My OH is also at RMAS, May intake. We have more contact than you and yours, but people are different and also, mine is an ex-ranker so it may be that he is more on top of his admin than yours (and seriously, no offence intended - it's just that the Army is a different world, and my OH keeps telling me what a culture shock it is for the civvies that are new to all this). Also, when I say we have more contact, I'm talking two-minute phone calls after midnight, where he's so tired he can barely remember his own name and I'm so sleepy that we can barely make sense of each other. But once again, we're a bit more used to this BS, because before this he was stationed in Germany and we saw each other very infrequently and spoke less than we do now. That said, even I was shocked at the empty shell of a man they sent home to me this weekend.

    Sandhurst is hard. So hard that it's even getting my hardened infantry soldier down, and that's saying a lot. I've heard that many relationships don't survive Sandhurst, and I can definitely see why now. That said, I have never been more committed to my man. And to me, that means I keep my issues to myself this year, because he is running so close to empty that he literally has no reserves left to deal with anything more, least of all any emotional dramas I can dream up. And yes, that is hard on me. But I see that as my role - he signed up for RMAS, and I signed up to be his emotional anchor for the duration. And that means I get to make his life just a little bit easier, in whatever way I can - by writing him letters (not quite daily, but close), by ordering things he needs online and getting them delivered to him, by buying his favourite foods for the times he does get home, and by providing a calm and restful home where he can just come and unwind, sleep for hours on end and do as little as possible. And yes, he is also largely unavailable to me at the moment - emotionally, mentally and physically. And that means I rarely drive out the Staff College gates with dry eyes. But when I drive him in to go drop him off I'm smiling and telling him how much I love him, encouraging him to stay strong and keep the goalposts in sight. And as I wipe the tears off my face when I drive out I tell myself the same thing, because I know that this too shall pass, and at the end of it all I get my man back. And I know he's worth it, a million times over.

    If you love him with all your heart, you too can get through this. Stay strong, stay focused, and remember that you have a role to fulfill as well. If, however, you feel you can't fulfill that role, or if you don't think he's worth it, then you are going to be more of a drain to him than he can bear during this year and you will lose him, simply because he is too thinly stretched at the moment to deal with any emotional issues as well. Only you can make that decision, but I really hope you do decide to be there for him, because they are working so very, very hard and they need all the encouragement, love and support we can possibly give them.

    Please feel free to PM me anytime - any issues you may have, I'm pretty certain I've been there and done that and I would be only too glad to help wherever I can.
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  5. #5
    Moderator scuba_angel's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum Sgirlfriend.

    What boots said is harsh but true. But if he is choosing not to contact you thats very different to not being able to, from experience the first term OCdts pretty much don't have time to breathe never mind think but they should have time to text/call if they want to.

    Training can will and does exhaust them, so when he's home its entirely likely that he isn't as romantic or loving because he's utterly mentally and physically exhausted. I know when my pet idiot is particularly tired after exersizes its like living with a robot not a person, and he's not doing half the shite that the OCdts are.

    If he's lost his phone then you at least know he can't contact you so no point getting pissed off that he's choosing not to.

    I won't tell you to end things or fight through because thats your choice but given how close to the end of term it is I would suggest taking a deep breath, grabbing a bottle or two of vino and getting your girlfriends round and generally just getting on with it. Recess leave is the time to sit him down and have a full and frank about if you have a future together or not.
    Last edited by scuba_angel; 17-07-2011 at 23:16. Reason: draegora said it betterer!
    “It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”
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  6. #6
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    Thank you for the last two posts they have been very helpful and motivating- it is also great to have advice from someone who has been in the situation. As I said I am not from a military background whatsoever and had a 2 month whirlwind romance with my OH before he started so am desperately trying to get my head around the whole thing. I have been reading some army books to try and help understand too.
    I also started a new job last week so am finding it tough not being able to talk to him about it, having said that my friends have been brilliant......I obviously do understand that Sandhurst is nothing compared to what others go through (front line/operations) and what is inevitably to come. It is just nice to talk about it, however big or small the problem is in the eyes of others as I am a newbie to the army world!
    It is also distressing to see him so exhausted, stressed and out of character, of course I am extremely proud, but it still doesn't stop it from being difficult, hence joining to try and seek support/advice!

  7. #7
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    Its a real, real tough call this one.

    When they are on courses like Sandhurst or on a residential course, you will always have some people who will make sure they text once a day, or call last thing at night. There are also those who prefer to totally immerse themselves to give the course 100% effort. That's why you have some people who might say "yes I hear from my OH quite often" and others who might say "not even a text in weeks - let alone a phone call". That's just the way it is.

    I think you should use this time to focus on you. You have a new job? Then focus on enjoying your work day, getting to know your work colleagues and then seeing friends and keeping yourself busy evening and weekends. A new academic year will be starting in September for Adult education - does an evening class appeal as that would allocate one evening and the coursework probably another evening as well.

    That for me is the key to it. Having enough going on in your life to be able to have news of your own when he calls you. Rather than perhaps just telling that you have not been up to much and you miss him loads. He wants to know that you can exist without him - not that you fall apart when he disappears for a week/month/deployment.

    So that is going to be my overall message for you - "Be independent not dependent".

    Best of luck

    TLC x
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  8. #8
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    Hi SGirlfriend,

    My OH started at Sandhurst in January this year, so he's just over half way through, and I just wanted to let you know that it does get better.
    The first couple of months are an absolute shock to the system for most of them (and for their loved ones too). It takes time for them to adjust and it'll take you time too.

    The inters and senior term (2nd and 3rd term) are much more relaxed, they get a few more hours sleep a night and they can come home slightly more often.

    I think that what TLC said is completely true, you need to use this time to focus on yourself, your new job, catch up with all those old friends you've been meaning to. For him to excel, he needs to know that you are OK and are holding things together as he needs to keep all his focus on what he's doing. It does get better after Sandhurst, so I've been told (and am hoping) so it's not forever.

    If want to want any information about what to expect in the coming terms, just PM and I'll be glad to let you know all that I know!

    Be strong, for him and for you.

    PWx
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  9. #9
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    Thank you PW for your message! I am pleased to hear it gets his easier for him (and hopefully for us as a couple) after the first term, it's a very strange situation as it is such a new relationship and so difficult to adapt to the all encompassing sandhurst world having only dated for a couple of months!
    Your advice is great and so helpful!

  10. #10
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    chrispy - I've not come across another girlfriend/wife/significant other from the same intake (January 2011) as my OH.

    How are you coping?
    I'm guessing from your previous post that you're doing OK - despite it all being a bit of a shock to the system at first!
    Is your OH hoping to commission in December? Where does (s)he want to get posted?

  11. #11
    Member berly.s's Avatar
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    My bf also went in the may intake...i have sent you PM. It really does suck being away from them most of the time...and living ages from sandhurst doesnt help either!! So Im hoping that it does get better after sandhurst somehow...!
    I am always counting down the weeks....I see it as at least there is always something to look foward too. Anyway 1st term is nearly done only 3 and a bit weeks till they are home for the weekend...then after AT 3 whole weeks off !!! We have booked a holiday wooohoooo xxx

  12. #12
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    What all the others have said - you will all get through it and come out stronger. It may be hard now but it only serves to provide you with the independence you will need when OH deploys. Chin up.
    Carpe Diem


    "Wit is educated insolence."

  13. #13
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    Hi SGirlfriend,

    My OH was in the january intake and so we are just over half way. Like the others have said it does get easier. From what my OH said when he was in juniors, it all depends on your color sergeant how much you get your phone etc and like others have said everybody is different in the way they deal with it. I was one of the lucky ones as mine was allowed his phone every night all night but not everyone was the same. Once this first term is out of the way it does all calm down a bit (i'm really just repeating what everyone else has said here!). I got a surprise visit from my OH this weekend, just came home for the night, i live in Manchester so its a fair drive but i think he just wanted to get away! And he is home for his leave weekend next week so u see they do get much more time especially at weekends once they hit inters.

    So long as you both do want it to work then hang in there because this doesn't last forever. We are quite settled now with what we have going on, i keep busy while he is away and it is all the more special when he comes home. Your OH will be very tired at the moment, they have very little sleep, a hell of a lot of exercise and cleaning etc and that can be very difficult to cope with. you have to really just be a rock for him, i tried my very hardest not to cry and get upset on the phone as i wanted and still do want him to feel like speaking to me and seeing me is an escape from all the c**p he has going on there!

    Just keep yourself busy, don't watch your phone constantly waiting for a message or a call as you will just drive yourself crazy. Time will fly by, me and my OH were just saying earlier we can't believe its been 7 months already and i'm sure the remainder will go just as quick. Something that i was always told was days are long but weeks go quick and that is so true. It's not long till his leave now and you will have chance to sit down and have a proper talk about your future.

    Hang in there xxx
    diamond_bluez likes this.

  14. #14
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    Thank you for the positive advice jlkhenrick it is so helpful! I'm just on the countdown to recess now 1 week down 3 1/2 to go so not too bad at all! I seem to phone check more during the weekends than mid week, averaging about 1 call a week at the moment so I'm hopeful this will be more next term! Which regiment is your OH going into? xx

  15. #15
    Senior Member Em-laa's Avatar
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    Aloha,

    Sandhurst veteran/suvivour here! HA!
    He finished last Christmas.

    Keep busy and by god don't wait by your phone..it's too exhausting..always hoping and waiting..
    I've just said this to someone else - focus on your own goals whilst he's focussing on his.

    I had regular contact BUT as the others have said, it's dependent on the person, whoever's in charge, if he's having a hard time?!

    If you want to be with him you will stay. Be strong. But if you can't be then let him be.

    Any questions, chuck me a PM x

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