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Discuss Lost and unsure... in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Hi all, First time poster here, I've read a lot of the forums already which have been massively helpful so far - thank you. I apologise in advance if the following post seems very basic ...
  
  1. #1
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    Lost and unsure...

    Hi all,

    First time poster here, I've read a lot of the forums already which have been massively helpful so far - thank you. I apologise in advance if the following post seems very basic questions/advice request but I'm hoping someone may be able to help me.

    My boyfriend has recently found out that he has been accepted to Sandhurst for Officer Training. We have only been together for 8 months but I knew from the start that he was in the midst of applying. I am really proud of him and happy that he is getting the opportunity to do something he has always wanted to do. However, I am absolutely devastated about what it will mean for us.

    I obviously want to support him in the best way I can, however I have just been accepted on to the accelerated civil service programme in the Scottish Government. The type of position I have means that I will be committed to Scotland for the rest of my career and will thus never be able to join my boyfriend wherever he ends up in the army. I am struggling to know whether we will ever have the opportunity of a life together............

    I am crying all the time now, can't eat, sleep or work. I want to be able to support my boyfriend and I hate feeling/(and being at times) so selfish.

    Any words of wisdom and advice would be so kindly appreciated.

    J x

  2. #2
    Senior Member dizzy.chick's Avatar
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    Hi J,

    I am not sure I can help with any of the sandhurst bits and bobs but as for a seperate career that is something I sympathise with. Firstly congratulations on being accepted onto the accelerated civil service programme. I know a fair few (very intelligent) people who tried and failed to get onto that- a very big achievment for you.

    In my opinion you don't sound selfish at all- the opposite in fact. I found myself in a similar positon this time just over a year ago. I was looking at relocating to the NE to work on a research project. I made the decission not to go and take a job locally which actually has turned out to be what I want to do. The catch is I am now going to have to stay around London for a fair while. I made the decission that my career is important to me. of course so is Mr D but if it is worth it we can bare living apart while I achieve what I want to achieve.

    I may reconsider this in the future but for now we had the talk. I want to pursue this career and he wants to pursue his for us both to achieve that we need to live apart, that is the compromise we made.

    Im not sure if this drivvel will be any help what so ever. Just so you know, there are a few former Scottish Civil Servants working down here- once you get the experience it is supprising what is transferable
    All the cool kids have a signature but I have nothing witty or profound to say.

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    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Obviously depending on what job he does there is the chance that he could keep getting postings in Scotland. It is easier once you're married, but not guaranteed, but worth him asking.
    If your career is important to you then you need to stick with it and your relationship will work. You may end up resenting your partner and that causing relationship problems otherwise.
    I have just left the military myself because our family couldn't even be in the same country, but that was my decision to, I stayed in after our first child and we lived apart for 2 years. It was hard on my husband cos he didn't see much of our daughter and I couldn't do that again second time round.

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    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Welcome to RP.

    You haven't really been together for very long in the bigger scheme of things. Who knows what will happen in the future? And just because you join the CS now, doesn't mean you have to be with them forever and ever.

    Personally, I wouldn't jeapardise a good career for a (so far) short relationship. I'd go ahead with my plans (just like your chappy is) and see how everything pans out.

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    Senior Member Josephine's Avatar
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    I agree with bodger, wise words

    Who knows, if 3yrs down the line, everything is going well, could you not look into a possible transfer or applying to CS jobs in England? Opportunities are endless, I wouldn't worry x
    Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

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    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bodger View Post
    Welcome to RP.

    You haven't really been together for very long in the bigger scheme of things. Who knows what will happen in the future? And just because you join the CS now, doesn't mean you have to be with them forever and ever.

    Personally, I wouldn't jeapardise a good career for a (so far) short relationship. I'd go ahead with my plans (just like your chappy is) and see how everything pans out.
    What Bodger says, she gives good advice she does.

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    Thank you all for your responses - they are great and I can't describe how appreciative I am for them.

    I have to say that they have put my mind at rest a bit as well, my poor brain has been whizzing around frantically since Saturday so it's comforting to have a bit of relief. I'm sure lack of sleep is adding to my woes. I agree with you Bolger too, leaving the CS is not an option for me and would not be a wise decision at all - I have worked too damn hard for this programme. I have, unfortunately, been one of those people who likes to know plans and where everything is going... I guess I am going to have to learn to adapt to this.

    I am just keen to know how other woman manage their careers alongside their OH (can you see I'm getting in to RP lingo now? ) The thing is I want a really good career, but I hate that wanting this may jeopardise my relationship..... I was always lead to believe that officers wifes followed their husbands (sorry for the ignorance, it is shameful) and worked their lives around to suit their husbands career.

    On the positive side, I guess I will be busy busy when he leaves (we will both be starting in September) and it means that we can both concentrate on our work without the other feeling 'left behind'.

    Thanks again all x

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    I should maybe add that my course is 4 years long with committment to the Scot Gov for a few further years in the senior civil service. But you're right, a change to English CS down the line may be possible.

    I should stop trying to predict the future :/

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    Moderator bigbird67's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jlass View Post
    I have, unfortunately, been one of those people who likes to know plans and where everything is going... I guess I am going to have to learn to adapt to this.
    This line made I chuckle! Hypnotherapy may help with the need to be organised!
    Chuck ALL your biros out, NEVER write anything on the calendar in ink, whether it be a night out with friends, your wedding day or your firstborns due date....never ever ever! It's tempting fate....the SECOND it's on there in ink, he'll be told he's got to be somewhere DEAD important (like the bar, for promotion drinks) on that day!

    Other than that...what everyone else said and welcome to the madhouse
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    Moderator scuba_angel's Avatar
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    Welcome to RP. Congrats to you and your male on getting accepted to the careers you want!

    You now both have 12 months, where you can concentrate on your careers to find out if they really are both what you really want. If they are then you can both look in to the options which are best for you and your relationships.

    The mil lifestyle is hard on us unmarrieds more so than for those who are married since the Army doesn't acknowledge us without that bit of paper but it can be done if marriage isn't right for your relationship yet.
    “It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”
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    Doesn't believe in rose coloured glasses but things do look better at the bottom of a glass of Rosé.

  11. #11
    Senior Member EnigmaRole's Avatar
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    Welcome J,
    I can't add anything on to what the other, more experienced members have said. My relationship is still pretty new and my life is pretty much the same as it was before with the added bonus of a lovely man being here when the Army allows it!. We're 4 hours apart and it seems to be working for us. I've had a few wobbles and each and every time I haven't even needed to post a thread about it as someone else has already posted it before.

    Carry on with your career and I am sure things will find a way of working.

    Enjoy your stay here

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    Mr K is not an occifer but we manage two careers. It's mainly a case of trying to get him posted and me a job as close to each other as possible and then either one or both of us commuting (easier for me than him as the army are less, er, flexible than my employers about working hours and so on). Depending what regiment/job he's in he may be able to be posted to Scotland or he could be in the north of England and you in the south of Scotland to minimise the distance. I have friends who've done this and it worked for them.

    Despite the hassle and the time apart I'm so glad I haven't given up or compromised my career. He's away so much that I'd go out of my mind without being able to do a job I love. I'm not going to pretend it's easy because it's not but I think the important thing is to figure out what really matters to you, bearing in mind this may change as your relationship develops, and be prepared to be flexible.

    Do be prepared for people being immensely patronising about you being apart. I was just having a moan about all the 'I don't know how you do it' type comments I get. In my opinion it says more about the state of their relationships than mine!

    Most of all just enjoy it, it's not every couple who get to both have jobs they love

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    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Mr H is a Hofficer and I have managed to retain my career. It was never an option for me not to. I love it...and him. I can honestly empathise with how you are feeling, I suspect that most of us here can. There have been times when I truly have not been able to see a way forward but lateral and flexible thinking by both of you can work wonders. The first few years of our relationship were long distance and I have to say that there are times when I miss the hugely romantic reunions and having full time control of the TV remote! Scotland and Sandhurst aren't a million miles apart. You'll find a way. x

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    Hello,

    Thanks all for the posts - really helping me! So glad I came across this site....

    Can I just ask - Heli, Kazzam - do you live 'on-site' in an army house now (not sure how it's supposed to be said, sorry!). The thing is, as long as I follow my career I'll never be able to do that. The career path I want has very limited locations :-/ Perhaps I am thinking too much ahead and stressing needlessly. I just really wish I was going in to a career that I could move around easier with
    x

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    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jlass View Post
    I was always lead to believe that officers wifes followed their husbands (sorry for the ignorance, it is shameful) and worked their lives around to suit their husbands career.
    A few of them do, but not many and it depends what career you have. I'm an officers wife and like I said before I've only just left my career but that was for the sake of my children really, not my husband. And now I'm setting off on another career path, but I know that it is one that can be moved easily. I'm not a stay at home mum, and certainly not what is perceived as a typical officers wife. And no, I wasn't an officer in the forces either.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jlass View Post
    Hello,

    Thanks all for the posts - really helping me! So glad I came across this site....

    Can I just ask - Heli, Kazzam - do you live 'on-site' in an army house now (not sure how it's supposed to be said, sorry!). The thing is, as long as I follow my career I'll never be able to do that. The career path I want has very limited locations :-/ Perhaps I am thinking too much ahead and stressing needlessly. I just really wish I was going in to a career that I could move around easier with
    x
    Once you're married he'll be able to get a married quarter on the patch so that you have somewhere to go to when you have time off work.
    Seriously stop worrying about what is going to happen in the future because as soon as you think its all sorted something will happen and he'll be posted somewhere at short notice, or be told he's off for a 6 monther somewhere. You have to just go with it and just accept what is happening, and make the most of it.

  17. #17
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    I was always lead to believe that officers wifes followed their husbands (sorry for the ignorance, it is shameful) and worked their lives around to suit their husbands career.
    I'm one of these and it suits us just fine. I have a career I can shuffle around husband-thing so it's not too much of a problem for us. Most of the people I know 'follow the flag', it's very few in my circle who stay put but it is on the rise. No doubt if/when CEA gets the boot then they will be the majority rather than the minority.

    It's perfect for me as I tend to get itchy feet, so every 2 years I can legitimately jack the job in and go find myself another one!

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    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    '' I was always lead to believe that officers wifes followed their husbands (sorry for the ignorance, it is shameful) and worked their lives around to suit their husbands career''.



    There's no such thing as a 'typical Officer or Soldier's wife' J. As you come to know us you'll see that. A quick flick around my fellow Army wife pals throws up: a Pagan High Priestess who works in an Office, eschews anything to do with the Army (whilst supporting her husband of course) and who buggers off to Avebury regularly: a nurse who works in the channel Islands and commutes to her husband in Surrey at weekends and a stay at home Mummy who loves Point to Point. There isn't a 'type' and there isn't a typical scenario.

    We've done the owning our own house between the two jobs and commuting thing (husband 2 hours each way, me 90 minutes), husband in The Mess during the week, husband away whilst I lived on the patch, husband on a six monther with me living in a civvy house, the relationship has been the static factor not the whereabouts. We currently live on a patch but only because it worked out that way this posting. It really is as simple as if you love each other you make careers and kids and homes work.

  19. #19
    Senior Member WhiteRose's Avatar
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    Here here Heli! Hello Jlass and welcome

    The military are very good at reinforcing the stay-at-home wife who follows their husband around the country stereotype, but the reality is very, very different. I know plenty of military folks who weekly commute, and plenty of military spouses with independent jobs and careers. We are one such couple and, whilst the separation is a nause, we make it work because we love each other.

    But I have to say when I started out in the world of work, I had no clue that I would be where I am today - a different career altogether, moved south, have a wonderful husband and our first child on the way. I was going to be the career-first, single girl about town making my own way in the world. The job market put pay to that. And meeting hubby helped focus on other aspects of life, too

    As a fellow civil servant I can vouch that the civil service isn't a job for life anymore. Keep your options open, and don't be afraid to go with your heart instead of your head. Your priorities will change over the years so be flexible and enjoy the challenge.
    Last edited by WhiteRose; 28-03-2011 at 22:05.
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    Hello ladies,

    Thank you so much for the advice, it is so helpful

    You're actually helping me to embrace this new change as all quite exciting now (what a turnaround!) and to not focus too much on the future which was what was really getting to me - thank you so much.
    Your advice also helped me to sleep easier last night so I now thankfully have my rationale cap back on and long may it continue...

    Thanks again everyone, looking forward to getting to know you all more!
    xx

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