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Discuss Should I marry my boyfriend before he goes to Afghanistan? in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Hi all Been lurking for a while and decided it's about time I joined in properly! My boyfriend finished at Sandhurst last year and will be going on tour at the end of the year. ...
  
  1. #1
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    Should I marry my boyfriend before he goes to Afghanistan?

    Hi all

    Been lurking for a while and decided it's about time I joined in properly! My boyfriend finished at Sandhurst last year and will be going on tour at the end of the year.

    We don't live together now, but we're able to spend weekends and a couple of nights during the week together so it hasn't been an issue.

    We are planning to marry in the next couple of years anyway, but was wondering what the practical advantages are of marrying before he goes?

    Thanks all

  2. #2
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    What practical advantages are you looking for? Apart from the obvious - NOK and the financial side of things if the worst (touch wood) came to the worst - then there aren't that many advantages really. You'll be entitled to accommodation, so you'll be able to live together and depending on where you'll be living you should have the support of the other wives/husbands and welfare agencies once he goes off on tour. I'm not sure I'd consider that worth bringing my wedding forward for though!

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    Mr K and I got married just before he was due to deploy (he ended up not going after all). I couldn't really explain why, and it wasn't to do with the practical reasons, but I just wanted to be married to him before he went away. We were getting married anyway so it was just a question of doing it before he went away rather than when he came back. In terms of practical advantages I can't think of any beyond those Bodger has mentioned.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    I married Mr M before he deployed too. We were planning to marry anyway, just brought it forward a little bit. But that was mainly to do with me being able to leave the military after my maternity leave which was due to finish the month he got back.

  5. #5
    Senior Member hammyswife's Avatar
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    well rather than having a quicker wedding, why not plan to do it as soon as he gets back? then you can help the time go by easier by planning your wedding during the time he's away? x

  6. #6
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Welcome hemnes. I am with Hammyswife on this one. Unless you want to rush your wedding plans and spend the beginning of your married life alone, potentially in some grotty SFA far from your loved ones, I'd use the time to plan the wedding. Having a focus makes a deployment go so much faster.

  7. #7
    Senior Member lawlady's Avatar
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    Welcome. Also with HW and Heli. All the planning will help the time fly by. I take it he's named you as his NOK anyway? Obviously it's entirely up to you and we'll be here for you whatever xx
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  8. #8
    Senior Member WhiteRose's Avatar
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    Welcome to RP

    Hubby and I had a conversation early after we got engaged and decided to marry before he deployed. That way I was less invisible to the Royal Navy as a wife, rather than a girlfriend. We had a lot of lead in time, but I'm glad we did what we did. I'm with kazzam that I can't really put my finger on the reasons, it was just something we both thought was right.

    It's a very personal decision between the two of you, and the ladies have done a brilliant job at putting both sides to you
    "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

  9. #9
    Senior Member Josephine's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to RP.

    I am with the ladies on this, why not wait, plan the wedding whilst he is away, this will 1) occupy your time and 2) give you both a little something to look forward to.

    You could plan to have it, say 5 weeks after he gets back. That way he can get a suit in time, you can both enjoy your stag/hen do's etc and I bet it will keep his spirits up, when deployed x
    Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

  10. #10
    Senior Member ruggedfamo's Avatar
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    That's a toughie! Personally I've always said I like to marry the OH before he gets depolyed, we plan to marry but if he was to get deployed before then, I'd like to think we'd move it closer. If the worst was to happen I would rather be a widow than seen as the gf in the background. If that makes any sense?!

  11. #11
    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    I'm with the ladies and plan the wedding whilst he is away. Make sure he has you as an Emergency Contact. You can't be NOK unless you are the NOK (ie the wife). Well that is what our welfare told us anyway. It also gives you the benefit of not having to try and make new friends in a new place whilst he is away and unable to introduce you.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Kayleigh's Avatar
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    Hi Hemnes, welcome to RP.

    I am with the ladies and holding off until he is back. Organising a 'quick' wedding can be stressful dependent on your requirements. If it's for just the two of you to run off and get that bit of paper then it's not too bad, but if you're like me and my hubby who both have a lot of family who we wanted involved in the big day, it can be a bit of a nightmare. You have so much to plan an think about and so much running around to do. Would you want to be really busy right up until your big day, then wave bye to all your family, friends and to your job to be left in an area you don't know? For me it was fine, as my husband wasn't due to go away (although that all changed 2 weeks after we moved in and is now on a 7 and half monther - bloody typical). I wasn't left on my own (much) he was there every night for the first week and I soon found my bearings (we are in a tiny place though).

    I completely agree that spending the time he is on tour to organise the wedding is the best idea. I planned my wedding whilst my hubby was in training and it was a god send! It kept me busy, give me something to look forward too and I felt I hadn't just sat there feeling sorry for myself as he was away all the time.

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    You don't have to move into quarters as soon as you're married though. I haven't and it's our secong wedding anniversary next week. We still do the weekly commute as well and haven't actually lived together properly apart from a brief 6 months or so. Also, shock horror, he may actually want to be involved in the wedding planning as well

  14. #14
    Senior Member dizzy.chick's Avatar
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    I wrote a really lovely and hearfelt reply but then the internet froze and me and it was lost in the mists of html. So the shortened version- only the two of you can decide what is best for you. Try not to look at what is practical but what you really want. Marriage is something very special and very personal. I think the ladies have given some ace advice.

    I am listed as Mr Dizzy's emergency contact and I am also listed in his will (something I was not happy about but thats his choice). Mr Dizzy will have to plan our whole wedding as I am useless at these things so it would be something he could spend his post tour leave doing.

    I would have a chat with him and see what you both want. Personally I would wait as I would quite like to see my hubby for the first six months of wedded bliss.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Em-laa's Avatar
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    Good advice.
    Intersting to see that you haven't actually gone to MQs kazzam, that's one thing that I was unsure about. Want to get married, but don't know if it'd be right to not live together full time, also have done for a brief few months.

    Anyhoo - i'm on the fence with this one, really don't know know which would be better. With the planning whilst he's away-guess that depends how busy you are with other thing, and if you want to do it on you're own?

  16. #16
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    My husband's entire contribution to the planning of our wedding was smiling and saying, when faced with fabric swatches/venues/flowers: 'lovely Darling, whichever/whatever you like'.... and signing cheques. I might as well have done it on my own!

  17. #17
    Senior Member WhiteRose's Avatar
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    Heli, that sounded like my hubby's contribution! He only just managed to make the notice meeting with the registry office, then buggered off to sea!
    "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

  18. #18
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    It was the same in the Bodger household. His contribution was 'I do'. Mind you, I wasn't much better. I didn't particularly want the big wedding affair but my lovely mother did, so I ran away and left her to it. I bothered myself to sort the dress and my flowers out though, but only because she refused!

  19. #19
    Senior Member hammyswife's Avatar
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    we got married a few months after my OH's deployment and we too don't live in quarters and he does the weekly commute too, this works fine for us, not everyone goes to quarters straight after marriage xx

  20. #20
    Member Airbourne's Avatar
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    We're planning to marry this year before my other half goes on tour.
    I think for us, it makes sense for practical reasons because I have children from a previous marriage, so it's creating some stability for them with regards to schools, where they live, routine, etc.
    Also, I didn't particularly want to organise a wedding while he was away. The big day isn't just about me, it's us as a couple and he will want some input in to what we do.
    As others have said, if you are already his NOK, there are no other advantages to being married, unless you want to be in a quarter? Oh apart from financially. For me, this doesn't even create a blip on my radar and I have given it no thought.

    I can see where the others are coming from though, about having a focus and something exciting to look forward to while he is away.

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