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Discuss Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts? in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Hi, I'm new here, and would like a bit of help.. Well my boyfriend is currently doing basic training.. In the first week he didnt like it much., but he knew "this is the army ...
  
  1. #1
    Junior Member r.moon's Avatar
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    Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Hi, I'm new here, and would like a bit of help..

    Well my boyfriend is currently doing basic training..
    In the first week he didnt like it much., but he knew "this is the army its not going to be easy.. i can do this" and started to not mind it so much but had a few doubts..
    In the 2nd week.. he started getting really stressed out and angry.. as he wasnt sure whether this was what he really wanted to do, as it suddenly hit reality that its not going to be easy and u will be away from family. I tried supporting him telling him things would get better and he seemed to calm down.. but the next day i spoke to him again on the phone and he was stressed again.. i've never heard him so stressed in my life.. it was pretty horrible to hear him like that .. he just kept saying "i dont know what to do" but i couldnt really say anything as its his life and i can't make his career decision for him.
    Anyway this week (nearly 4 weeks in) he's gotten worse and he is really considering quitting. He told me he joined the army as thats what he wanted to do at the time and thats what he felt was the only thing he could do with his life and a good way to earn money.. But now he's drifting off the idea saying.., he doesnt think he could cope with military life, he doesnt like not seeing family and friends, and misses his hobbies. and that if he did quit that he'd get a normal job for now then study at college.

    Do you guys think quitting is a good idea, if he really feels its not the life for him?? I mean he said he doesnt want to go to war and doesn't like the fact he may have to kill people or see people get killed ((i know he should of thought about that before joining but i think its hit reality now for him))

    From what he says.. its like.. if he stays in the army .., yes he'll get wages.., but he's not going to be happy and is going to be stress and it will be hard (but every job is going to be hard in some ways and ur not going to enjoy everything u do in life) but if he leaves.. he might find it hard to get a job at first.. and may not earn as much in the first few years but he could be a lot happier...

    So i dont know what to think about the situation.. a lot of people say " if you quit the army you'll regret it" where as some have said "well some people from staying there that haveng enkjoyed it have suffered from emotional probelms" So one part of me want to support him and go yes u can do this.. its what u signed up for.. but another pat of me wants to say.. quit if you really dont think this is the career you want.. and you feel your not going to be happy.. As i want him to be happy it kills me hearing him so stressed out day in day out..

    I just wanted to have a rant .. and see what you guys thought..?? Sorry for it being such a long message.. But any advice would be grateful thanks =)

  2. #2
    Moderator Heli's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Hello and welcome to RP

    I think this is a toughie. My husband describes his time at Sandhurst as the worst of his life but he has gone on to have a career he loves in the Army. I think giving up crosses everyone's mind when in training. In a way it is designed to weed out those who are not cut out for the life.

    As your boyfriend appears to be consistently and extremely unhappy maybe it really isn't for him and he would be happier as a civvy.

  3. #3
    CK
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Training is the hardest part of it - once that's over, it all gets SO much better. Training is designed to be totally crap and to test their "hardness" and coping strategies - as well as making sure that it's something that they really want.

    I know a lot of people - a LOT - say the same thing; as OH said to me "no one enjoys the first phases of training. In fact, NO ONE enjoys training and if they do, there's something wrong with them" so try and boost his morale by saying it'll get better - that it'll be over after x amount of time and it'll be worth it. To stick it out - learn about himself - take the challenge , and that you're there to support him through the tough times.

    He'll be proud of himself in the end. I reckon if he REALLY hates it, then that's something he needs to think about seriously- and outside influence won't help. He may just end up regretting it and blaming the person/people who didn't help him "stay in" by providing that support.

    On the other hand - he may utterly hate it and not be cut out for the Army. Who knows? But I reckon "support support support" and it won't always be THIS bad.

  4. #4
    Senior Member spiderhater's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Well I'm only the other half so can't say much about basic training but from meeting people in the military it seems to me that it takes a certain type of person to sign up, and it's a love or a hate job. I don't know what path he's decided to take but in terms of not seeing his family/taking up his hobbies etc - my experience of welfare in the army is really good! If you eventually get married and have children you'll find yourselves housed for very little money, and fantastic healthcare benefits if you live abroad (plus you make some pretty cool friends!). It's a great excuse to travel and see the world - but most of all from what I've heard - yes there is a high drop out rate in basic - if he can stick through it then the 'I did it' feeling is second to none. This is the bit that's supposed to be tough after all!

    Don't get caught out, I know plenty of people that have partners complaining on the phone every night and so they try and agree with them only to find out the next day they've changed their mind and love it! Just be supportive, at the end of the day it's his decision to make - but he signed up for a reason right? So tell him not to make any rash decisions...it will be harder if he decides he wants to do it again in a few years time.
    Not quite a newby but not quite there yet either, just settling in to my first patch in Germany.



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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    My husband has not long gone back to battalion after instructing at a training centre. He says that pretty much every recruit hates basic training with a passion, and most of the instructors hate having to teach the basic stuff that they do. However once through it army life isn't that bad. Plus he will be able to resume his "hobbies" once he has passed out for the majority of the time assuming they are legal
    viros non paenitet


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    Junior Member VickyBennett319's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    hello, first time on here, dont really know what to say ...

    well my boyfriends just gone to Winchester and i'm new to all this him not being here, and its hard, can someone give me some advise, cause it's tough him not being here all of a sudden

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    Senior Member EnigmaRole's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    I remember when my now OH was in training and I would get calls saying how much he hated it. I would tell him to wait a week or so but it got to the point where I dreaded him calling!!

    Then there came a point where everything changed and he just got his head down and got on with it. At some point friendships were formed etc and he settled into the army way of life.

    My OH on the whole has never looked back, of course there have been low points etc but he loves his army life.

    Training isn't supposed to be easy but only you know how your OH is reacting and you know him better than us.

    I hope he finds contentment in whatever he decides to do.

    Good luck to you both.

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    Junior Member VickyBennett319's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    how did you keep yourself from worrying and thinking about it too much?

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    Senior Member becsj's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    I think too as much as it is very different from most other careers, there ARE similarities to most other jobs - days when you just want to stay in bed, office politics, personality clashes etc - I have to remind OH of this often so he doesn't lose perspective and presume everything is bad BECAUSE it's the army, it's just because he is an adult in a career!

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    Senior Member EnigmaRole's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Quote Originally Posted by VickyBennett319
    how did you keep yourself from worrying and thinking about it too much?
    I don't think you can at first, you just keep it to yourself or come to somewhere like this, its all too easy to transfer your feelings onto them and visa versa.

    Somewhere along the line it just gets easier, there were days when I felt great and he rang and I gritted my teeth and just listened and hung up and was annoyed he'd ruined my good mood that day- then there were days where I would feel pants and keep it to myself but end up feeling better after having a good chat with him.

    Afterwards when we spoke he said he never realised I was finding it hard and if he had it would have been harder for him. I let him know I missed him but that I was fine while he was gone etc

    You'll be amazed what you can actually get through, at times it seems too much, but it just washes over. Take each day as it comes and you will be fine
    Meggylou170813 likes this.

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    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Hello - when I did my basic training 7 years ago I loved it. I'm not saying it was easy, and at times I could have quite easily quit but my stubbornness wouldn't let me.
    They make basic training hard to get rid of the guys that really can't cope with all of this under pressure. They've got to turn civvies into fighting machines so basically they're stripping them down of any emotion etc to turn them into soldiers who will jump when told to because in a war situation its a matter of life or death.
    If he really wanted to quit he'd have done it by now - something is making him stay. Keep supporting him and if he does decide to leave them thats his decision.

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    Junior Member r.moon's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Thank you for all the advice so far it has been helpful =)

    I do understand with all that you've said about it being hard and that it will get better. Ive also have read that many times in other forums and blogs. So I do think it he will feel better about it once he gets out of basic, passes out and starts phase 2. (he's in the RAVC) Then after his base will probably be in Germany.

    He hasn't quit so far as he wanted to really give it a go to see if it was just home sickness.. but theres still something bothering him.. so it still hasn't been working out for him. I do want to support him.., but sometimes they way he explains what he wants in life and how unhappy he says he is.. i feel like.. if i support him too much.. i dont want to pressurise him into think "i HAVE to stay" As before when he was having doubts and all his family was supporting him.., tellinh him it would get easier.. it made him feel "if i quit my family will be disapointed in me, and i don't want that"
    But I guess only he knows what he wants to do.. and he needs to really think about what he wants..
    What ever he chooses ill support him and be there for him..

    Sorry for talking so much .. Just i don't normally talk to my friends about it as theyre not in the same situation and don't seem to understand.. =/

    Also if he did quit on DAOR.., would he be able to reapply in the future.. ?? I've heard you can buts its hard to get back in??

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    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Welcome to RP r.moon.

    Well, your boyfriend's going through a rough time for sure, but who knows whether it's what everyone goes through when they're in basic or more deep seated than that. Not many people actually relish the idea of going to war, but they generally want to do it all the same, for some weird and wonderful reasons! Going on tour is an inevitability, not a possibility so he might want to have a good think about that one and straighten his feelings out in his head.

    So far as re-joining in the future if he bails now is concerned, the SDSR is due out in October and there's no getting away from the fact that regular soldiers jobs are going to hit the wall so I wouldn't expect it's going to be too easy to get back in if he's jacked once before.

    Like the girls have said before me, support him all the way, encourage him up the ying yang. He'll come to his own conclusions in the end.

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    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Bodger is right, there are regular soldiers who are going to get "brown enveloped" (discharged before their 22). So getting back into the Army after deciding to walk away in basic probably won't be an option for a long while. The other thing is that a recruiting ctr will want to know why he thinks he can now hack basic when he couldn't before. I have a friend that re-signed after being discharged with depression previously, right at the beginning of his career. They asked him all sorts of personal questions and sent him for assessments and all sorts. It wasn't easy for him. He has now done 2 years back, but last year wanted out.

    My husband has been in 16 years, he has days when he wants to terminate. Life in the Army is not always fun and games, but it is a career. It also provides many benefits that civilian life doesn't. It has to be his decision though.
    viros non paenitet


    "Wit is educated insolence."

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    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Quote Originally Posted by VickyBennett319
    hello, first time on here, dont really know what to say ...

    well my boyfriends just gone to W********* and i'm new to all this him not being here, and its hard, can someone give me some advise, cause it's tough him not being here all of a sudden
    Vikki,

    Welcome to RP.

    My husband was an instructor at the ATC there until beginning of last year. I take it your bf is a junior entry.

    W is alright, and if you can get down to meet him once the restriction period is over then do so.

    Sam x

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    Junior Member VickyBennett319's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    yes he is a junior,

    and iv heared W is a really good place too.

    and yes i will do, as soon as i can

    thankyou xx

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    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    If you need to know any info on things to do there, etc ask me or Mrs M because both of us are from around that area (I lived 10 minutes down the road for 16 years).
    viros non paenitet


    "Wit is educated insolence."

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    Senior Member NotAllThere's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Hi r.moon,

    I had a very similar situation with my OH the week before last (actually it's happened twice, but the last was the worst). He is training with the Royal Marines and has just started back in full training after 3 months in Hunter due to injury. He was devastated that he was put back to foundation (the beginning) and really wanted to leave.

    I just listen to what he had to stay and said, that I think he should try 1-2 more weeks and if he still feels like this in 2 weeks then I will support his decision to leave. Turns out he's having a whale of a time now and is really enjoying it again (twisted I know, you're not meant to enjoy training).

    He's had many ups and downs as your OH will, but I would hate for my OH to make a decision based on anything I have said, so I just lend him my ears to scream into, and they tell him that the decision is all his.

    After he's had a good scream (and sometimes a cry) they feel a lot better and are able to cope with another week of training.

    All I can really say, is be strong for him and don't let him do anything that he'll later regret.

    Welcome to RP by the way
    Formerly MarineGF

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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Welcome to RP r.moom!

    Sure you will find lots more helpful information on here, things will get better and he will either stick or he wont!
    Being home sick is probrably what is wrong, they are tested on so much in such a small time in training, but it's designed to mold people into the best they can be and as someone mentioned before, to cut the people who don't make it out. Think how he's feeling and how you would want him to react if you where in the same postition! If you belive in him, show it, he'l probrably just want someone to tell him he CAN do it!

    It's really opened my eyes to what I would want Mr Blonde to be like when I go to Phase 1 at HMS Raleigh. When I ring him crying and wanting to come home I would hope he would say, no stick It out, this is only the beggining and designed to test you to your limits, think how much you will get out of this small amount of time and how much of a expeiriance it is for you, and how much of a stronger person you will come out of it for!

    I think just be suportive and have a open mind! You obviously want him to acheive as you'v posted this so just let him know you care, thats probs all he needs! & how the hell does he ring you everynight..canny trainning :P

  20. #20
    Junior Member r.moon's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriend in Basic Training.. doubts?

    Hi, thanks for all the replies again

    I spoke to him yesterday, and he's still getting major stressed over what he wants to do.
    I told him that I'd support him what ever he chose, and i know that if he really put his head down he could get through basic training, and that he would probably start to enjoy it more after.. etc.. But he still seems unhappy.., Even if im being really supportive he's still feels just 'stuck'

    I think he really wants to leave.., its really getting to him he's getting more stressed by the day.. =/ he says its not what he wants, he knew it would be hard but he didn't think itd affect his emotions so much. His family keep sayin "were all proud of you" "itll get easier" "you can do it".. as they think he's just homesick, Which is what i want to say to him, as his girlfriend i feel thats what i should be sayin to him everyday too.., but speaking to him on the phone its more than just home sickness... he knows he can do it.. but he doesn't "want" to do it but he feels presurised into staying as he doesn't want to let his family down..
    It just makes it hard for me as i was to say the "right" thing but i don't know what that is.
    Only he can know. He needs to stand up on his own 2 feet, be a man.., and make this decision for himself, not based on what everyone else thinks..

    I know you all probably can't help me anymore.., as its all up to him now.., he needs to think and decide.
    All your advice so far has been great though thank you
    I just needed to get it off my chest..
    Meggylou170813 likes this.

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