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Discuss I'm assuming in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; It is just normal to be going through the motions, Did anyone else just feel numb and like they were just getting on to quickly for there own good? Pretty sure I'm close to a ...
  
  1. #1
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    I'm assuming

    It is just normal to be going through the motions,

    Did anyone else just feel numb and like they were just getting on to quickly for there own good?

    Pretty sure I'm close to a break down If I stop to think or have a glass of wine!



  2. #2
    CK
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    Re: I'm assuming

    To be honest, as I like to be as much as possible, I think you're worrying too much about not worrying.

    What's wrong with getting on with life when your OH isn't around? I didn't bawl my eyes out when OH left, it doesn't make me a "hard" person or mean I love him any less. It's just not worth sitting moping around being miserable - is that the way he'd be wanting you to live your life if he's on tour? I think not. Be a "coper" and a "do-er" and not someone who does nothing but cry and worry the whole time he's away. Have fun things to tell him - funny stories - let him know that you're independent enough to get on without him but that you still WANT him. Not needing him around is so different to not WANTING him.

    Nothing wrong with getting on with things - it's called living. You have to do it or you'll be fed up, angry, upset and when he calls, it'll all come out. He'll feel bad that you feel bad, and won't help either of you.

    Miss him by all means - feel bad about it, by all means. But worrying about not feeling bad because you can get on with your life? Silly.

  3. #3
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    I wish I did manage to feel numb then I wouldn't have had to put up with the daily ear ache that the kids gave me!

    Give yourself a shake woman!!

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    Re: I'm assuming

    I'm not worrying about anything, just some of the things I'v been feeling, I'v never really felt before so in return don't know what to do with them? Been keeping my self busy and just doing what I would usually be doing, but can't help feeling like I'm just in autopilot, like I don't really feel like me at the moment, feel like I'm just floating along? Which makes no sence! I think I've gotten over the moping bit, but just have those hmmf moments where I wish It was different, then just snap out of It and get on with whatever.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Wench's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Might be a daft question but how long have you been together? Is this the first time he's been away since you've been together?

    I know it sounds harsh, but the OH's have enough to worry about/cope with/go through without having to worry if we're coping with them being away. Depending where they are, they have limited comms so the worst thing is to spend that valuable time trying to calm a blubbering wreck down and then have to worry about the fact that there is nothing they can do to help.

    We've all had our moments, but it gets easier. Personally, if you feel like you're reaching "breakdown" and the moments when you wish things were different are getting more and more frequent, then maybe it's time to sit down and work out if you are really cut out to be in a relationship with someone in the Forces. Without wanting to sound nasty, the Army/RAF/Navy will always come first and if he has someone that can't cope with him being away, he won't leave his job - you'll be the one to go.

    By all means, have your off days - just make sure you don't project that onto him every time you speak.

  6. #6
    Senior Member moomin's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Like Wench says... we all have our moments! Everyone has bad days, probably more at the start of a separation. Important advice:

    - When you're having a bad day, let yourself have it, and don't beat yourself up about it.
    - Find some things to do for you - routine does help but make sure you are having fun/doing things for yourself - and don't feel guilty about it. Life doesn't stop just because your OH isn't there.
    - Well all have 'feelings' with a new situation. Just accept them. Trying to analyse them will drive you mad!

    Just remember that this is YOUR life. His life is part of that, but make sure it is not the only part. There are loads of threads on here about coping with a tour - focus on the positives. He will love you more for it.

  7. #7
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    Re: I'm assuming

    From memory, you are in the first few days of his first deployment since you got together and I therefore think that what you describe as feeling is both natural and understandable. I remember feeling detatched from what was going on around me for the first part of the first deployment we went through. I think you will be amazed at how that changes. The deeply abnormal becomes 'normal', which is why you will often hear Army wives describe it being weird when they come home!

    It is tricky to find the line between allowing yourself the right to feel dislocated whilst making him proud and not projecting misery onto him. I STILL do it by boxing it off. Sticking very strictly to routine, working like a dog, and filling every waking moment bar the time I allow myself in the evening to let my feelings surface and to concentrate on thinking about him.

    This truly is the time when you find out what you are made of, don't waste it. Use it to make both you and him proud.

  8. #8
    Senior Member EnigmaRole's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Hiya,
    I posted earlier, but never actually clicked on 'submit' and was still surprised when my post didn't appear...what a tard.

    I can't remember whether I said it on the forum or one of our PM's but just go with whatever you're feeling. Anything is normal as everyone is different.

    I think its all too easy to get frustrated with feeling like this, I have had my moments where I've just felt 'pffft' for you its 'hmmf' . They're all new feelings to be dealing with, I know at first I got pissed off thinking about him being away but couldn't think of anything else!!!!

    I've actually got used to missing him now in some strange way and now we're just three weeks til he gets home it feels strange to know he'll be here soon.

    You sound perfectly normal to me.

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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by Wench
    Might be a daft question but how long have you been together? Is this the first time he's been away since you've been together?

    I know it sounds harsh, but the OH's have enough to worry about/cope with/go through without having to worry if we're coping with them being away. Depending where they are, they have limited comms so the worst thing is to spend that valuable time trying to calm a blubbering wreck down and then have to worry about the fact that there is nothing they can do to help.

    We've all had our moments, but it gets easier. Personally, if you feel like you're reaching "breakdown" and the moments when you wish things were different are getting more and more frequent, then maybe it's time to sit down and work out if you are really cut out to be in a relationship with someone in the Forces. Without wanting to sound nasty, the Army/RAF/Navy will always come first and if he has someone that can't cope with him being away, he won't leave his job - you'll be the one to go.

    By all means, have your off days - just make sure you don't project that onto him every time you speak.
    Almost six months now but known each other for longer & yes it is the first time he's been away since we got together.

    I Cried once down the phone, and personally I think that it was acceptable as It was happy tears becaause I was so overcome with emotion, he cried to. I'm sure got a tear the first time you ever heard from your OH when you hadnt for a while.

    I'm only 18 and therefore have no idea about what to experiance and have never had a realationship where I miss someone, and never had a relationship that has been as serious as this one. Deep down, I know I can handle It and really think what we have Is an Ideal situation, I can focus on me, and he can focus on his job. It's obviously just going to take a bit of time to get used to It, some days I'm fine, some days I'm great and one day I'l cry my self to sleep, because I miss him! I think thats also acceptable to have feelings like that, not having to re-ases my relationship just because I feel like I'm breaking down, I think I'm just going through the motions and maybe In a months time It will feel better, this week has been better than last week and the week before that better than the first, so clearly I am making progress.

    It's clear we both have of days when we email each day, you can just tell, I'm sure he's hoping that I can cut It, and he has said he will help me through It, It's second nature to him afterall.

    but hey ho, thought RP was somewhere I could just come and let lose but obviously just get my relationship ripped to peices.

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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by Heli
    From memory, you are in the first few days of his first deployment since you got together and I therefore think that what you describe as feeling is both natural and understandable. I remember feeling detatched from what was going on around me for the first part of the first deployment we went through. I think you will be amazed at how that changes. The deeply abnormal becomes 'normal', which is why you will often hear Army wives describe it being weird when they come home!

    It is tricky to find the line between allowing yourself the right to feel dislocated whilst making him proud and not projecting misery onto him. I STILL do it by boxing it off. Sticking very strictly to routine, working like a dog, and filling every waking moment bar the time I allow myself in the evening to let my feelings surface and to concentrate on thinking about him.

    This truly is the time when you find out what you are made of, don't waste it. Use it to make both you and him proud.
    I feel I am having fun and living my own life, I love telling him what I'v been up to and were I'v been and when I'v saw things and thought of him!

    Obviously It doesn't help having unsupportive collegues, but they arn't my friends so don't expect it really.

    But yes, I think I am entilted to an off day, and i guess thats what RP was for! So I am having an off day. As it is natural.

    Things can only get better anyway, next week is jam packed full of crap to do and then that means only 3 months and a few days left!!!!!

  11. #11
    Senior Member lawlady's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Blondie, I think that's a little unfair hun. Nobody is ripping you or your relationship to bits. You've posted how you feel and by doing that you're asking for our input. That's what you're getting. We all deal with our OH's being away differently. The girls and guys on here will tell you what they think. I've been reading yours and their posts and they've been truthful ... and to be honest pretty gentle with you.

    Please don't take offence if somebody writes what you don't like ... we don't all agree with each other and we all have our own unique way of saying stuff.

    My OH is away - 2 months into a 12 month tour .... I have good days and bad days .... no I'm not used to it although he's been doing tours since before you were born. We all find our own ways of coping.

    Believe me hun, you will NEVER get the support you get on here anywhere else. Stick with us and remember there are loads of us that or in, have been or are about to be in the same old boat as you.
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by EnigmaRole
    Hiya,
    I posted earlier, but never actually clicked on 'submit' and was still surprised when my post didn't appear...what a tard.

    I can't remember whether I said it on the forum or one of our PM's but just go with whatever you're feeling. Anything is normal as everyone is different.

    I think its all too easy to get frustrated with feeling like this, I have had my moments where I've just felt 'pffft' for you its 'hmmf' . They're all new feelings to be dealing with, I know at first I got pissed off thinking about him being away but couldn't think of anything else!!!!

    I've actually got used to missing him now in some strange way and now we're just three weeks til he gets home it feels strange to know he'll be here soon.

    You sound perfectly normal to me.
    Thankyou. I don't think I'v ever been pissed off or will be, more anoyyed at people who take there boyfriends who are at home for granted when I can't have mine here!!!! haha but thats just the way It Is.

    I quite like missing him too really, it's sort of a nice feeling. I love sending him letters and pictures and knowing he'l smile then gettin and email with just a few words I wrote and knowing they'v touched home.

    I just think the me being upset comes from not having him beside me all the time like he usually Is. Just getting used to It you know?

    Just got this image In my head of meeting him and the jetty when he's back in England! & how happy I know It will make me feel and that "moment" when he kisses me and i actually see him say I love you !

    Nothing better than hearing him say that on the phone, Its officially what I live for on a Monday night now! Hahha sadd I know!

  13. #13
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    Re: I'm assuming

    I don't think it's fair to say that you are having your relationship ripped to pieces, just that people don't know all of your situation and misunderstand.

    It is hard, especially the first tour. However now is the time to do what you need to do to make him proud your his girl.
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by lawlady
    Blondie, I think that's a little unfair hun. Nobody is ripping you or your relationship to bits. You've posted how you feel and by doing that you're asking for our input. That's what you're getting. We all deal with our OH's being away differently. The girls and guys on here will tell you what they think. I've been reading yours and their posts and they've been truthful ... and to be honest pretty gentle with you.

    Please don't take offence if somebody writes what you don't like ... we don't all agree with each other and we all have our own unique way of saying stuff.

    My OH is away - 2 months into a 12 month tour .... I have good days and bad days .... no I'm not used to it although he's been doing tours since before you were born. We all find our own ways of coping.

    Believe me hun, you will NEVER get the support you get on here anywhere else. Stick with us and remember there are loads of us that or in, have been or are about to be in the same old boat as you.
    I just didn't understand how having an off day would make me want to sit and think wether I actually want to be in a realationship with a bloke in the forces, you know, a bit like where did that come from ? It Is one day, well maybe a few in the early stages but I know thats only normal.

    As above, just think where did that come from? And maybe I did overreact In my post, but It's because me and my OH discussed it before he left and I said I promise to you I will do everything I can to get through this but I will need your help too. Thats why all the little emails help and maybe we just deal with it different, and just lucky I am in contact with him everyday.

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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by samm1551
    I don't think it's fair to say that you are having your relationship ripped to pieces, just that people don't know all of your situation and misunderstand.

    It is hard, especially the first tour. However now is the time to do what you need to do to make him proud your his girl.
    Right ok sorry I take It back, but still think It was a little below the belt to say If I'm having those days to reasess my relationship.

    I know It's hard, I'm like living proof, and thats what I thought rear party was for not for someone to say whether I should be with my man or not.

  16. #16
    Senior Member lawlady's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    If you get to email, message, talk or whatever every day then make the most of the few minutes you do have. Don't worry about over reacting with us ... we'll put you in your place then give you a hug xx
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  17. #17
    Senior Member Special_Tree's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    You know what Blondie, read back through your angry post. You might not have realised it when you wrote it but you just answered Wench's unspoken question. She wasn't ripping your relationship apart more forcing you to look at it and how you feel. And you did and you came out the other side realisnig you're willing to fight and your feelnigs are normal. And no-one eolse told you that because the fact is that no-one else can. Only you can decidce what is normal and ok for you and in wench questioning you you made that decision for yourself so if you're ever worried again and think things arent normal take a look back at your angry post and if you still feel that as strongly as you did when you typed it well you and your OH are on to a winner arent you.

    Opinion is good whether you agree with it or not. It makes you dig deep within yourself and find a depth of feelnig and understanding you might not even have known was there.
    "Never say never, because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion"

  18. #18
    Senior Member Wench's Avatar
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by blondiie
    Almost six months now but known each other for longer & yes it is the first time he's been away since we got together.

    I Cried once down the phone, and personally I think that it was acceptable as It was happy tears becaause I was so overcome with emotion, he cried to. I'm sure got a tear the first time you ever heard from your OH when you hadnt for a while.

    I'm only 18 and therefore have no idea about what to experiance and have never had a realationship where I miss someone, and never had a relationship that has been as serious as this one. Deep down, I know I can handle It and really think what we have Is an Ideal situation, I can focus on me, and he can focus on his job. It's obviously just going to take a bit of time to get used to It, some days I'm fine, some days I'm great and one day I'l cry my self to sleep, because I miss him! I think thats also acceptable to have feelings like that, not having to re-ases my relationship just because I feel like I'm breaking down, I think I'm just going through the motions and maybe In a months time It will feel better, this week has been better than last week and the week before that better than the first, so clearly I am making progress.

    It's clear we both have of days when we email each day, you can just tell, I'm sure he's hoping that I can cut It, and he has said he will help me through It, It's second nature to him afterall.

    but hey ho, thought RP was somewhere I could just come and let lose but obviously just get my relationship ripped to peices.
    Congratulations!! You have a set and have defended your relationship. I have no doubt you will be able to weather it. I wasn't trying to rip your relationship to pieces, just hoping that you know what you're in for. We've all been there and we're still here to tell the tale. It's not easy but with a partner that's supportive, you've got half the battle won. You can't beat that feeling of when you see them again for the first time in a while.

    Mine's a Jagerbomb

  19. #19
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    Re: I'm assuming

    Quote Originally Posted by Special_Tree
    You know what Blondie, read back through your angry post. You might not have realised it when you wrote it but you just answered Wench's unspoken question. She wasn't ripping your relationship apart more forcing you to look at it and how you feel. And you did and you came out the other side realisnig you're willing to fight and your feelnigs are normal. And no-one eolse told you that because the fact is that no-one else can. Only you can decidce what is normal and ok for you and in wench questioning you you made that decision for yourself so if you're ever worried again and think things arent normal take a look back at your angry post and if you still feel that as strongly as you did when you typed it well you and your OH are on to a winner arent you.

    Opinion is good whether you agree with it or not. It makes you dig deep within yourself and find a depth of feelnig and understanding you might not even have known was there.
    Yeah i did come out the otherside with a smile on my face thinking what the hell am I crying for to be honest! and now feel bad for being angry at Wench. AAAh it's just all too new to me, bet by his next deployment thanks to this site and my will power I'll be an expert. ha famous last words.

  20. #20
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    Re: I'm assuming

    I'll do you two for 5 ! oh shit I'm not at work now!

    Heres one on the house.

    I'm sorry, but thankful at same time!

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