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Discuss Misguided Mistrust in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Here's a dilemma for ya! What do you do if you find out that you partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife of **** years does not trust you? Even if you have nothing to hide, ...
  
  1. #1
    Schuh
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    Misguided Mistrust

    Here's a dilemma for ya!

    What do you do if you find out that you partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife of **** years does not trust you?

    Even if you have nothing to hide, and have done nothing wrong. Do you keep going in the hope that through the years they will begin to? Or do you give up and realise that you'll always be under suspicion and have to watch what you say?

  2. #2
    Moderator scuba_angel's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    My ex was like that, I let him get on with it, I knew he would never find any 'evidence' of me having done something to break his trust - the strop he threw when he hacked my email and found one from the lovely Trousdale (I still miss him ) about the TA was at the time a nightmare but amusing now I look back.

    I guess I was hoping that he'd eventually realise that no matter how hard he looked he'd never find what he was looking for and begin to trust me - not sure he actually did realise it until after we split up in the end though.

    On the other hand its not so much fun being the one who doesn't feel they can trust their partner even when there is no evidence that you shouldn't trust them other than an overactive imagination and past experience with other people.
    “It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”
    Terry Pratchett

    Doesn't believe in rose coloured glasses but things do look better at the bottom of a glass of Rosé.

  3. #3
    Senior Member flygirl's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    Ooohh thats a good one and I'm assuming this is hypothetical:

    I like a little bit of jealousy etc, as it shows the other person cares. I'd hate for my OH not to worry at all about what I was up to. But when that green-eyed monster becomes too much of an issue I always reckon it's down to that person's insecurities, and actually nothing to do with they're OH's actions.

    Honestly, it would also ring alarm bells for me. Especially after years of being in a relationship. Had the person always been that way or has it just started? If it's only recently started I'd be thinking long and hard about where that person's issue has sprung from. To me it would stink of either they know it's easy to cheat and so therefore is paranoid about the possibility of you cheating or they are cheating and therefore is certain that it would be easy for you to cheat.

    There's no way you would catch me putting up with constant controlling/jealous behaviour for long. If there's no trust, in my opinion, theres no marriage.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Special_Tree's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    That's a tough one. I am the patron of mistrust thanks to various shits of boyfriends previous to my current husband but he had words and told me that when i don't trust him it really pees him off as he's done nothing wrong.
    I took myself off to my little corner and had a long harsh wrd with myself and told myself that if i didnt trust him i was wasting my time with him. I came to the conclusion that if he was going to play away he would do it with or without my paranoia. So i sucked it up and learnt to trust him. I still have the odd moment where all my little demons creep in and i have a little epi but common sense kicks in and it passes.
    I truly wouldnt have carried on with the relationship if i couldnt have learned to trust him and by the sametoken if he didnt trust me. i learnt from experience that without trust you have nothing.
    If you feel that talking about it with the partner would help then its always worth a try but make sure a time limit is set for how long you'll wait for change. Not being trusted makes you feel run down and rubbish and theres only so long anyone can put up with that.
    S_T x
    "Never say never, because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion"

  5. #5
    Moderator bigbird67's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    personally i believe if there isn't trust, there isn't anything! Sorry but that's it! My ex didn't trust me so I walked away, the bloke I'm with now trusts me implicitly as I do him.

    Without trust, you can't have a girls night out without the Spanish inquisition, you can't plan a surprise for your other half and if they're forces and away a lot....well, how do you defend yourself? Do you stay home every night? He'll think you have people round. Do you spend all your time with a girlfriend? Eventually he'll decide you're BOTH at it. Do you go and stay at home with your parents? He'll tell you that you could dance naked down the High St and they'd cover for you because they are your 'rents!!

    You can't win.
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  6. #6
    Schuh
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    Quote Originally Posted by flygirl
    Ooohh thats a good one and I'm assuming this is hypothetical:
    With regards to my current relationship yes. However I have been at both ends of this situation. I have been the one mistrustful of a partner. Checking emails and phone conversations. Hateful towards female friends and picking apart every conversation and analysing every word, trying to decipher the 'true meaning' of what was said, and believing it to be the worst case scenario. Believing that he and she were laughing behind my back. Stomach in knots reading innocuos messages, and making them into something sinister to feed my paranoia.

    I have also been on the recieving end of exactly the same, to the point where I was outright accused of being unfaithful for using the outside set of stairs in a busy bar to return from the toilets (I had used the inside stairs to go down, and finding them blocked on my way back chose thelonger but clearer route back) I have had emails, text messages read, and innocuous statements, shared jokes picked apart and believed to be something they're not. You worry about what to tell your parnet, do you mention the passing comment of a stranger, or the reuniting of an old friend in case they see more than is there?

    Either side is exhausting, comsumptive, unhealthy and I'm not too sure it ever truly goes away. It may lie dormant, or you may learn to deal with it by tiptoeing around it, but does it ever truly disappear, and turn into wholehearted trust of the other?

  7. #7
    Senior Member SebastianStreet's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    Good question,

    I think that it is good to give people reassurance that you love, trust and respect them (assuming you genuinely do!) before they have to ask for it or before they start to feel mistrustful of you.

    You could tell them that if they love and respect you that their mis-trust makes you uncomfortable and you'd like to reconcile your feelings and move on together.

    I'd encourage them to discuss their insecurities and offer them reassurance that you are faithful and devoted to them and you appreciate what they do for you (again assuming that is the truth) and tell them how much they mean to you.

    I think in a nut shell prevention may work better than a cure in this respect.

    Just my 2c

    Sebastian

  8. #8
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    If there's no trust in a relationship then it just can't be. When I first got together with my hubby he'd just left his wife (nothing to do with me, it was about 6 months after) and I took the relationship more seriously than him. Then I found out that he was still on dating websites and that hurt. I didn't confront him about it and just continued to worry myself. Then I fell pregnant. Had to make a decision then and we talked I told him I wasn't happy about the dating websites, he said he'd come off them and that although he was talking to other women he'd not met up with any. It took me a while but I learnt to trust him and since then he's never given me any reason not to. I don't worry about when he goes out with the lads or anything like that. If he's going to do it then he's going to do it whether I'm paranoid about it or not.

  9. #9
    Member blonde_moment's Avatar
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    Re: Misguided Mistrust

    If there's no reason for the mistrust, drag his/her ass to counselling to try & sort it out or if he won't do that, walk away because your life can quickly become hellish. Been there, done that. Sorry if it seems harsh but life's too short to be walking on eggshells and face daily interrogations by someone who apparently 'loves' you.

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