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Discuss A tentative first timer.... in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; Hi everyone, I stumbled across this site a few days ago and in the space of such a short time i have found so much comfort in reading other people's stories and kind words. my ...
  
  1. #1
    Junior Member beancounter's Avatar
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    A tentative first timer....

    Hi everyone,

    I stumbled across this site a few days ago and in the space of such a short time i have found so much comfort in reading other people's stories and kind words. my oh is in the forces, and i'm the only one of my friends in this situation, so its really lovely to find a whole community of people in the same boat as me!

    i guess i was so intrigued by the site as we're currently facing a giant obstacle and its not something that any other of my friends really understand. we're currently doing long distance, and have been for a few years now, and we've both said that we can't carry on doing this. we want to stay together, but as of next summer he'll have his new posting and although i assumed we'd get married (i now need 2 hands to count the number of years we've been together) its not something he has even considered.

    so its really just to get some feedback on people who have faced this same dilemma and to see what they did. our one option is to rent privately but its more than just living together, he's in a particularly high risk job and i just want to have some recognition by the powers that be should the worst happen. i feel awful pressuring him into anything he's not ready for but i'd just assumed from all our talks that next summer would be the right time to get married and actually have a life together.

    i'm going to stop rambling now, i'll just end up going round in circles!

    xx

  2. #2
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Hi there

    We did have a similar dilemma but I'm afraid we mostly solved it by getting married. We haven't actually got the living together during the week thing sorted yet but for us the only solution really seems to be moving into quarters. I completely understand where you're coming from - we got married 6 months after he proposed because he was due to deploy and I wanted us to be married before that.

    Have you tried sitting him down and explaining all this? Or could he be planning a sneaky proposal already?

  3. #3
    Member meggz's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Hey i also found this site a few days ago and you're absolutly right it is so nice to be able to talk to people that are going through the same things as you are.

    my OH changes his mind about things all the bloody time, i can never keep up, one minute hes talking about getting our own place together, as the place we are in atm is mine and getting married and even kids, the next minute he doesnt want any of that right now but maby at some point several years down the line it can be quite infuriating. i find the best thing to do is just to ride it out, if i try and force the issue and decide i like that idea lets definatly do that he changes his mind and i get even more annoyed lol, so every now and then ill subtly mention things, usually when hes drunk lol, and sit back and wait and in the end he comes round, just when he thinks its his idea lol like you said if you try and preassure them into anything they end up running a million miles in the opposite direction.

    My advice would be to talk to him tell him how you feel and what you would like for your relationship but don't set it in stone, use phrases like "i would like" or "wouldn't it be nice if" make him feel like he has a choice in the matter as well, obviously he does but sometimes they need it setting in stone lol. If he feels like your giving him a fixed timeline then it will just bring up their defences.

    You won't get an answer overnight but hopefully he will come round to your way of thinking, it usually just takes them a bit longer. I hope that helps a bit and in the mean time you can always feel free to rant to any of the people on this site, one of us has always been there at some point.

    *meggz*

  4. #4
    Junior Member beancounter's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    That is so spooky! i just read your reply meggz and found myself nodding along to the second paragraph! its just frustrating because when everything at work is going well and he's happy in his job we'll quite frequently start sentences with 'when we're married' or 'when we have our own house' but its a recurring theme that when he's not happy at work or he's ridiculously stressed then it seems the easiest thing for him to do is to project all of this on to our relationship rather than do the manly thing and talk to me about what's really making him unhappy.

    i guess this is a common theme in all types of relationships, not just forces ones. he's been on exercise all week and so we've both had a bit of head space as he hasn't been able to ring, but hoping to see him this weekend and have a good old chat and try and put some of his worries to rest.

    i guess the main issue is all the uncertainty - he wants me to have some sort of big plan about how we're going to make this work, but seeing as they haven't even confirmed his desert holiday date yet and he's due to go sept/oct it makes it hard to plan anything at all. the only certain thing about his job is the uncertainty!

    my strategy is to take it a day at a time, and everything always seems to work out for us. i think we have enough to cope with as it is without fretting about something that is completely beyond our control!

    and who know, a surprise engagement may be on the cards, although i think i've got more chance of getting a proposal from brad pitt!!!

    xx

  5. #5
    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Beancounter, Welcome to RP. I have PM'd you. Sam x
    viros non paenitet


    "Wit is educated insolence."

  6. #6
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    welcome! I was in a similar situation - got pregnant 9 months after we got together and did think he'd ask me to marry him. 2 years later we were still living apart (both in military) and not even a sniff of a proposal! Then 1 night we were lying in bed and he said - so, lets get married next year before I go to Afghanistan! That was my romantic proposal.
    That was the easiest way around our situation, otherwise we just weren't recognised as a couple by the forces and it was really difficult trying to get posting together or even get the things married couples are entitled to like flights home from Germany etc.
    I agree with some of the other suggestions, sit him down and talk to him about it. He may be thinking the same thing but not sure how to approach it.

  7. #7
    Senior Member WhiteRose's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Hi there beancounter, welcome to the mad place

    As Mrs_M has said, the services don't recognise a couple unless you're married / civil partnership. When it comes to accommodation, unless there are extremely exceptional circumstances (which may be outside of your control, such as availability) then you won't be allocated quarters.

    When it comes to next of kin and if (the gods forbid) anything nasty happens, again, you really have to be married for the system to look after you. He should write a will in which he makes very clear his wishes that any assets go to you, but you'll be invisible to the military system. I'm afraid I can't see that policy changing any time soon.

    Of course, you could just wait until the next Leap Year and then the power's in your hands...

    The very best of luck!
    "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

  8. #8
    Junior Member beancounter's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    thank you all so much for your kind words - i can't tell you what a difference it makes to voice my concerns to people who actually understand the situation! he's over on the 'mainland' on a course this week so i'm hoping to see him this weekend. both my housemates are away so will try and convince him to come here and then we can have a proper talk about this whole thing.

    i think i just needed someone to make sense of the mad panic that has been going on in my head and to put me in a more rational frame of mind! i'm feeling much more positive, and i'm back to the strong supporting girlfriend that i normally am, instead of a neurotic panicking crazy lady!

    xxx

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    Moderator Gonzo's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Trust me B_C we all have those neurotic moments, and I have been involved with the lean green fighting machine since the day I was born. Sometimes the red tape is infuriating.
    viros non paenitet


    "Wit is educated insolence."

  10. #10
    Member meggz's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Quote Originally Posted by beancounter
    That is so spooky! i just read your reply meggz and found myself nodding along to the second paragraph! its just frustrating because when everything at work is going well and he's happy in his job we'll quite frequently start sentences with 'when we're married' or 'when we have our own house' but its a recurring theme that when he's not happy at work or he's ridiculously stressed then it seems the easiest thing for him to do is to project all of this on to our relationship rather than do the manly thing and talk to me about what's really making him unhappy.

    yeah i am pretty sure its a man thing in general lol (no offense to any men here lol) and it is difficult in any relationship but when most of your relationship is spent apart as is the case when one half or both is in the forces it makes even the smallest most irrational issue a bigger deal than it needs be. I had one of those nights the other night i was feeling pretty down and OH was busy working and had a lot on and as i was having one of those days i got it in my head that he didnt wanna talk to me and he was been off with me and couldnt work out why and i was driving mysilf stir crazy dwelling over absolutly nothing, it was all in my head and we nearly had a mega row all basically to do with me and my bloody hormones hahaha

    you do have the right attitude though just ride it out and take things as they come, hope your feeling better

    *meggz*

  11. #11
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    meggz - I have one of those days most days!! I'm finding it quite hard to adjust to being a civvie and staying at home all day with the kids and taking it out on him - cos he'll come home from work and asked what I've done all day - he hasn't noticed that the house has been cleaned, his washing and ironing done, his dinner cooked and all whilst looking after 2 young children. He can't even manage to clean the car whilst looking after them!

  12. #12
    Member meggz's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    yeah, we don't have children to worry about but im a full time student at uni living on my own with a few animals to look after and until recently was running round working 3 care jobs at the most rediculous hours and then id have him moan a bucket full if when he came home i hadn't washed his clothes, or if i hadn't hoovered and cleaned the house etc etc, he seemed to have the idea in his head that i was just a student and because i was only working part time (not just 1 part time job though 3) i therefore didnt do anything!!! as you probably know it ended up in a few heated rows, he wasnt here to see that i was wearing myself down into the ground trying to make ends meet and everything was just piling up on top of me as literally the only time i had off work was 2 days off per month and even then it wasnt really a day off as id still have uni work, i hated it because i was just stretching myself too thin and he hated it because i was always at work when he was home.
    Now though i have quit 2 of them and just working the one care job and doing as many extra hours as i can get when hes away which is a lot better for my sanity lol. He still jokingly takes the mic out of me though when he comes home by pretending to get on his high horse and saying it should be "1940's house wheres his tea, pipe and slippers" lol silly man

    *meggz*

  13. #13
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Tell me about it - I really don't know how I found time to do the housework, laundry etc when I was on my own, working full time with a baby to look after!
    My hubby phones me when he's leaving work and says he wants his pipe and slippers at the door and his tea on the table! The funny thing is, he actually does smoke a pipe!! I usually have dinner on the table when he walks in, but mainly because our daughter needs her dinner and seeing as he doesn't get home til 6ish shes usually starving by then!!

  14. #14
    Member meggz's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    yeah i dont think they actually understand how much work it takes running a house, especially when you have children, when my oh gets home his washing is done and the house is tidy but hes lucky if he can find any food to make his own tea let alone have it ready for him lol, usually when hes home on weekenders hell get it and the first thing we do is take a trip out to tesco lol sometimes if i havnt had a busy week ive done a shop before he gets home and once i even cooked a 3 course meal with wine hahaha lol only once though, usually its tescoes at silly o clock thursday night slap it all in slow cooker on a friday morning and its ready by time he gets in on a night

    *meggz*

  15. #15
    Junior Member beancounter's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    don't ever underestimate how amazing slow cookers are! i always spend ages making the house tidy when the oh visits on a weekend, and within minutes he's come in, dumped his stuff and managed to unpack it all over the house without seeming to move from the sofa! as for meals, he's so sick of sit down 3 course meals by the time the weekend comes (such a hardship i know!) all he wants is takeaway which isn't great for my wallet OR my waistline!

    xx

  16. #16
    Senior Member Mrs_M's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    tesco delivery - best thing ever invented!! Don't use it all the time as I actually quite like having an hours peace and quiet wandering aimlessy up and down the aisles picking up stuff I'm never going to actually eat!!
    Men are pretty good and spreading their stuff around. I've got OCD when it comes to my house being tidy (although eased a bit with 2 kids) and he knows it winds me up but still insists on doing it claiming he's had a hard day and all he wants to do is sit down and relax. men grrrrr

  17. #17
    Junior Member Kellebelle's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Hi. I also discovered this site recently. Its a bit of a relief to finally discover that I'm not the only one!
    My OH has been posted abroad throughout our relationship, and although we are used to the situation it is hard, almost impossible at times!
    I don't want marriage to be the solution to us spending more time together but sometimes I feel this is the only way!
    Its so nice to hear (although it really isn't the nicest of situations) that there are others!

  18. #18
    Member meggz's Avatar
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    Re: A tentative first timer....

    Quote Originally Posted by beancounter
    i always spend ages making the house tidy when the oh visits on a weekend, and within minutes he's come in, dumped his stuff and managed to unpack it all over the house without seeming to move from the sofa!
    ohhhhhh yes mines exactly the same lol, comes in with his bags and its all over the hall you cant move lol and then after ive spent aaaaages ironing his clothes put them all away and washed all the pots by time the weekends over his clothes are ALL over the bedroom floor and ive got cups and plates galore to wash up all on my own!!!! soooo glad its not just me that has to deal with it lol

    *meggz*

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