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Discuss Falling apart at the edges in Partners - Wives, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Husbands on Rear Party; How do you talk to people about this stuff? Unless you've lived it, no-one gets it. Someone incredibly incredibly special to me was killed in Afg last week. That in itself was enough to knock ...
  
  1. #1
    Junior Member baby_6's Avatar
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    Falling apart at the edges

    How do you talk to people about this stuff? Unless you've lived it, no-one gets it.

    Someone incredibly incredibly special to me was killed in Afg last week. That in itself was enough to knock me sideways for a while but my boyfriend is still out there. There are two problems with this; one, that I really really need a hug from him and two, that all I can think about is that it might happen to him too and what that would be like.

    And on top of that is the guilt because I was relieved that it was my friend and not my man.

    Please help me.

  2. #2
    Schuh
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    Hi baby_6,

    First of all I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It must be an awful thing to go through especially as your boyfriend is still there.
    When you're grieving of course you want the people nearest to you for comfort, I can't imagine how frightening it must be.

    You should not feel guilty, I'm sure all of us who have a partner on tour are secretly thankful that their loved one is not the one who's name is being released in the press. It is a normal reaction, obviously for you, and because you knew the one who dies it feels wrong.
    Other than telling you that you have people here who will listen, I'm afraid I don't know what to say to make you feel better, that will only come with time, and especially when you have your man home.

    Just keep in mind that he will be home to you safe and sound, staying positive is as much as you can do at the minute.

  3. #3
    Senior Member DozyBint's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    First, I am terribly sorry about your friend Ė that is truly awful news and I really hope that you have some family and friends to support whilst you deal with this.

    Secondly, stop feeling guilty Ė we canít help our emotions and I sympathise with your conflicting emotions: I donít think that there is anyone alive who deep down wouldnít feel like you if it was a choice between someone they loved or someone that they were in love with.

    Do you have anyone you can chat to about this in real life? Often people donít know what to say to someone who has been bereaved, so they wait to be prompted. If you do have close family or friends you can talk to, do so because they know and love you. If you find yourself getting into a state about this, take a look at these websites and contact them to get help Ė thatís what theyíre there for.

    CRUSE Bereavement
    http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Military.html

    The Samaritans
    http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx


    Take care of yourself and please donít beat yourself up about your feelings Ė theyíre natural, even if theyíre uncomfortable.
    Holy Cow!

    Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.


  4. #4
    Junior Member baby_6's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    Thank you. This is so unlike me, I'm usually so good at just getting on with it and now I feel just a bit pathetic, especially as OH is having a bit of a rough time and I'm trying to hold it all together for him as well.

    Usually the over-working strategy is one that works but not sure if I can manage that at the moment! Oh well, keep calm and carry on. I hate that cliche but it'll do for now.

    Thank you.

    (Did I call myself baby_6 or has someone else been giving out my email?!)

  5. #5
    Junior Member baby_6's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    Thank you DozyBint. I am very lucky that my brother and sister in law are navy and they know both the friend and my OH. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it because I start to sob uncontrollably and slightly hysterically every time I try.

  6. #6
    Senior Member DozyBint's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    Quote Originally Posted by baby_6
    (Did I call myself baby_6 or has someone else been giving out my email?!)
    You would have chosen your own user-name, but I note that your email address is on display, so if you don't want it to be seen, you should go into your account and change your preference to 'do not display'.
    Holy Cow!

    Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.


  7. #7
    Senior Member DozyBint's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    Quote Originally Posted by baby_6
    Thank you DozyBint. I am very lucky that my brother and sister in law are navy and they know both the friend and my OH. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it because I start to sob uncontrollably and slightly hysterically every time I try.
    Again thatís totally understandable Ė donít be hard on yourself and if you feel like crying, do so: youíve lost a friend and you need to grieve. Give yourself time to come to terms with it and as Schuh said, try to be positive about your boyfriend or at least try not to dwell on the negatives.

    If you donít feel that you can talk to anyone, how about writing about your feelings? You donít need to show your thoughts to anyone, but getting your feelings down on paper might be cathartic. Whatever you do, donít bottle-up your feelings because they will eventually find their way out.
    Holy Cow!

    Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.


  8. #8
    Junior Member baby_6's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    I might send my friend an email. He never answered them before so it won't be very different...

    Sorry for being quite so depressing and thank you for your very sensible advice.

    g xxx

  9. #9
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Re: Falling apart at the edges

    I write all my anger, disappointment and frustrations down on paper. Or I stab at the keyboard in a frenzied fashion. It's massively cathartic.

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