Thread: Piggy in the middle

Hi all,

My OH is currently doing his pre-deployment training and his Mom seems to be finding in really hard. He has been on tour before a few years ago but this time he has a girlfriend too. I've been with him almost 2years and we always have been inseparable when we are together. I'm worried about his Mom feeling that she's being pushed out especially as recently he's just been calling me as his phone has broken. Although I'm not the nagging type and expect him to spend all his time with me and always call, he does it because he wants too. With his Mom getting quite upset at the moment, I can understand why he's kind of avoiding the situation because he hates tears. At the end of the day, as he see's it, he's going regardless of how much anyone cries, and getting upset about it only puts him in a mood and makes him feel awful.

I'm worried about how she'll be when he's gone and how she'll feel when instead of them just getting all the phone calls, he'll be calling me too. He's home at the weekend for some leave and his dad wants to have a chat with him about how his mom has been recently (she's been spending a lot of time in his room at the moment), and me wanting to protect him, I just feel that if he knows it will only hurt him.

I don't know what to do for the best. When he's home, we always stay at my parents house which has always been his decision for one reason and another. He avoids all situations where tears may be on the agenda, thats just how he deals with it. I don't want to come between him and his mom but its his decision at the end of the day, he's 25. I worried that this weekend things will come to blow and it'll just drive him away from them even more and I obviously don't want that to happen. I'm being strong and being there for him because he's going through a lot more than us, he has to deal with what he's doing and understanding how it affects those close to him. How can I help her? How can I in some sort of way assure her that I'm not going to take him away from her but also make her realise? I know that when he's away, if I keep getting upset, he just won't call, basically whats the point, how can he get this message across that he needs her to be strong while they have those conversations? And what do I do when he calls me and not them? I have quite a good relationship with his parents but I am worried that as the OH feels that strains, he'll just try and hide away from them even more. I don't want my relationship with his parents to deteriate because of little things like this, I doubt it will to be honest but at the moment I am feeling that it is becoming fraught more so. I fear that they see it as why are they calling me and not them. We very much so have a lifetime together ahead of us, but I don't want them to feel like I am taking their boy away from them - the man that he has become has chosen to have me in his life. I can't help but feel that at the moment I'm stuck in the middle of it all trying to mediate.

If any of you parents out there have some experiences and advice as to how to prevent any issues before they come to head, please do let me know. I want to help her where I can but I don't know where to start as this is my first tour. I want him to enjoy his leave without having anything to worry about beside what beer to order!


Thanks
Hx

Mr Gonzo's mother is horrendous too. I made him talk to his mother before he left on the telephone, explain that he wouldn't be doing anything exciting (even if it is a lie) and that he'll see her with a sun tan in a few months. I also made him promise he'd use ten minutes of his free thirty minutes a week on the blower with his Mum. Plus if he ever calls I email his Dad and his Dad passes on that we have heard and he is safe.

Mr Gonzo has been serving for over 15 years and his mother still doesn't get the Army way of life. Shown recently by "Can't you refuse to go to Afghan, it's your brothers wedding" ffs.

I am sure it will resolve itself, although I wouldn't be keen on the OH going away without righting himself with his mother. Can't he tell her to "man-up" in civvy speak? Or why can't you point her in the direction of this forum, might be support without you seeming to be patronising (I don't mean that rudely, I just mean you could go in on the "I found this forum and the people are really supportive" tac).

Anyway, good luck.

Me xx

I have an excellent relationship with my husband's mum and in part, it is because she knows that I drive his contact with her when he's away. I urge him to call her and when he calls me, I ring her and let her know that I have heard from him and what he has said. I have always done this, from the days when I was only his girlfriend and it certainly cemented my relationship with his family that I recognised their importance.

Your boyfriend's Mum is obviously suffering and I can understand that. She may of course, like many of us, manage better when he is actually deployed. I'd call her, ask her if you can join forces in supporting him. Perhaps you can make regular arrangements to meet up and shop for little things to send him and for the occasional coffee, and I would encourage your boyfriend to try to imagine how his Mum feels. All men hate tears but sometimes they have to man up and deal with them when they fall from the eyes of the women who love them.

Originally Posted by Heli

I have an excellent relationship with my husband's mum and in part, it is because she knows that I drive his contact with her when he's away. I urge him to call her and when he calls me, I ring her and let her know that I have heard from him and what he has said. I have always done this, from the days when I was only his girlfriend and it certainly cemented my relationship with his family that I recognised their importance.

Your boyfriend's Mum is obviously suffering and I can understand that. She may of course, like many of us, manage better when he is actually deployed. I'd call her, ask her if you can join forces in supporting him. Perhaps you can make regular arrangements to meet up and shop for little things to send him and for the occasional coffee, and I would encourage your boyfriend to try to imagine how his Mum feels. All men hate tears but sometimes they have to man up and deal with them when they fall from the eyes of the women who love them.

I tried this Heli, and it didn't work for me. If it works for the OP then it would be better than telling his Mum to "man-up". Clearly had my harsh hat on then!

I can't stand my in laws and do nothing to maintain contact if her number comes up on caller display I ignore it
Mr Boots occasionally calls her but she is an ignorant old Northern woman who thinks he should be in't pub every night instead of with his family at home.

I did try to get to know her earlier on in our relationship mid 1980s, but she pissed me orf so much I gave up. My kids view her as a cash cow all she ever sends for birthday or xmas is a cheque no thought is ever put into a present.

When Mr Boots used to go away she would do the crying lark about her poor wee bairn, no one ever bothered to listen.

Some people are just not bothering about.

Omg Boots I know exactly how you feel. My in laws think it's abnormal that me and my OH arn't in the pub. Everytime we have to go and visit (through gritted teeth) we get dragged to the pub night and day, and they hate the fact he doesn't really drink after being with me. I just don't get the whole 'pub culture' routine. It's not what I was brought up with.

I dont get on with my own parents never mind OH's. Family is what you make of it and who you want in your life, doesnt have to mean that you are related in anyway! That's just my personal view

I am a mother of army boy and since last deployment he has married and has a 2yr old daughter. Yes it is hard that Emma got visit on r&r and all the phone calls and she is now back at her mums up north (I live down south) and I do wish she would she would call sometimes, but I love her and my son loves her and that is all that matters. I went to pieces last time he was deployed and it isnt any better this time but I kept/keep strong when with my boy and if I cry when certain songs are played, or when stuff is on tv or a death announced thats my business only to be shared with others in the same position 'cos only they know what Im going through. Be patient, give support and look after yourself as well. Hugs to you as it sounds as if you need them

I had a boyfriend with a mother like this once - makes my skin crawl just thinking about her. We moved when HIS job relocated and she blamed me for taking him away. They used to leave their house at 0530hrs every Saturday just to turn up at hours three hours later completely unannounced which used to rile me as I used to fly home and arrive home late on Friday nights. He refused to say anything and when I did (in a very nice way I might add) she created merry hell.

I am a true believer that some Mothers just can't bear it when their son attempts to cut the apron strings. The solution? I would encourage your OH to email you regularly and then you can edit out any personal bits and then forwarded an edited version to a mailing list of his family. Offer just this one solution - no others. Offer to print and post her copy if she creates as a compromise if she has no email account.

Just don't let all this drama get between you and your OH.

TLC
x

Cheers for all the advice ladies!

Its's not like she's a horrible witch or anything like that, she is really lovely, I just feel like a bitch for existing because it's taken a lot of attention away, if he didn't have me to call instead, I'm sure he would be calling home because he'd have to. We do have a good relationsip at the moment, like when I'm home and he's not, I also go round and speak to his Dad more than I speak to my own sister so thats good but in the same respect I can see the strain too. Picking up the OH soon for round 1 of leave (yay!) so I will nicely suggest that he has a natter to his mother and perpare the playing field before he goes. Tell her what he needs from her (be strong, no tears on the phone) and what he'll do for her (I will call once a week at least) so at least she knows. Meanwhile, I'll go round when I'm home and let them know when I've heard from him. Think he just needs to remind her that he is still her son and he still needs his mom but just in a different in. He'll probably set the record for the most boxes received!!

Thanks again
Hx

hun- you sound like a lovely and very sensible young lady who will come up with a way to get through this. You have to understand that whilst you are his girlfriend and looking forward to starting your life together, she is his mum, he is her flesh and blood that she sat and grew, and kissed skint knees,and cuddled and fed, and was probably always number one in his life. Knowing that your child is going away and if something happens you can't kiss it better and won't know what's happening is so very very hard. Our imagination is our own worst nightmare because the thought of losing our child, or even just them having to go through whatever horrors is too much for us . She will find her own way to cope, we all do.

Point her in the direction of army mums uk on facebook, or here where she can talk to and make friends with other mums. She also needs to reassure herself that you love her child and are in it for the long haul. Once she is okay with that she'll hopefully be fine.
Afraid we probably all at some point sit in our lads room and cry, We need to feel close when we are scared. Lots of blokes don't do tears, but maybe you can encourage him to sit with mum and let her explain what worries her, and if he listens maybe that will help.

Either way hun you sound like the kind of lass I'd love for a daughter in law.