Thread: Bereavement Advice - Loss Of A Parent

My Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning, after being ill for some time. It came as a terrible shock, however, as she was discharged from a hospital to a nursing home just ten days ago.

Does anyone have any advice or words of comfort they can offer which might help me through the dark days which lie ahead please?

Hi I am so sorry to hear of your loss. When my Dad died a few years back I did find preparations for his funeral were actually comforting as we felt there was still something that we could do for him. If you have other family that you can talk to then this is also useful, although don't be surprised if you find yourselves falling out over odd things, it's grief that's doing it and it will pass.

I went through a whole rollercoaster of emotions and, at one point, a friend said to me ' however you're feeling, it's ok.' ie sad, sorry, guilty, angry, relieved, including feeling numb. You may feel the need to talk through exactly how she died and go over it again and again in your head, this is normal. Also normal is wondering if you or anyone could have prevented this from happening. This is all a part of grief.

Sometimes, although people say take things one day at a time, a day can seem to much. Allow yourself to take an hour or half an hour at a time and you will get through it.

I hope this is of some use to you, I understand some of what you are going through and wish you well. Once again, I am very sorry that you are going through this.

Sadie x

my dad died 6 months ago ......do what you think is right for you and your family and don't let anybody tell you what you should do/feel.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your loss Soleil, sending huge hugs your way.

I agree totally with Padme, you have to do what feels comfortable and natural for you. Grieving is an extremely personal and unique thing and everyone does it differently. Some like to grieve and others like to celebrate a life but everyone is grieving just the same.

The only other advice is listen to your grief, if you want to have a wobble and cry do it, sod everyone else.

TLC x

I can't offer any help, but wanted to say that my thoughts are with you xxx

Soleil I feel your pain right now - my dad passed away on 17th December so its still very raw for me too.
Agree with the comments on doing what you feel is right. Personally I felt doing things for his funeral etc all really helped me. I was the one who went to register his death, I dealt with alot of stuff too. However, my sister didn't really feel the need to get involved in all of that, so did her grieving in a slightly different way.
I also wrote him a letter expressing how I felt, writing about the good times that made me smile, about the tougher times that we got through. That really helped me feel a little more at ease with what is going on. That letter went in his coffin with him.
My thoughts are with you and your family.

Just to let you know you're not on your own, still thinking of you x

Sorry for your loss soleil. No advice I'm afraid but sending hugs your way xxx

So sorry to hear of your loss Soliel. I can't offer any practical help but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you xx

I am so sorry, Soleil - my thoughts are with you at this time. From my experience, even when we expect someone's passing due to illness, when it comes it is always still such a shock.

Be kind to yourself in the coming days, weeks and months. Time will eventually heal, but all you can do is be patient and trust the process. And whatever anyone says (and people will), don't fall into the trap of believing that you're 'supposed to' be feeling a certain way at any given time. Grief is an intensely personal experience, which differs not only from person to person but also from bereavement to bereavement. If you're feeling it, it's normal.

Trust yourself, give yourself the time and space you need, but if things get overwhelming try and keep busy with the nuts and bolts of day-to-day living. And if you still can't cope at any time, don't be afraid to ask for help.

*Big hug*

xxx

Sorry for your loss sweet. When my Dad passed I went into organise mode - it worked for me. Folks here are right, be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. We're here for hugs xx

I'm so sorry for you, all I can say is what others have said, just do what feel's right for you, grief and mourning are personal and nothing that you can plan for.

No advice from me but thinking of you.

I cant offer any advice but thinking of you x

I lost my Dad unexpectedly at 21 and had a shocked mother, little sis and 2 big brothers who didn't know what to do on my hands. We all dealt with it in our own ways although as the 'responsible one' I was left with the stuff to sort, I must say the shock didn't set in immediately. Being Daddy's little girl made me deal with it by setting out to make him proud amd every milestone I achieve I feel he is there celebrating it with me, as it is because of him that I am there. I made sure that I spoke about him, and that we didn't avoid him should he come up in conversation which made it easier in the long run as I didn't want it to be a taboo. To this day I still cry from time to time wishing he was here to tell me what to do but I take comfort in the fact that he would want me to do whatever feels right to me. Like the others have said, deal with it however is best for you, it is a really individual process with no right or wrong way. Thinking of you xx

Sorry to hear this. My Mum died when I was 20. She had been ill for 5/6 years but it still came as a huge shock. I can't really say much other than what everyone else has said. More some practical advice - get a notebook and get people to write their memories of her in it. Nice ones, funny ones etc etc. It makes a fantastic read. Also, get people to send you any photos they have of her etc, ones you've never seen.

I have to say, I found the lead up to the funeral the 'easiest' (that's not the right word at all really) part. It was after the funeral when everyone seemed to go back to their normal lives and I was still in shock, that I found most difficult.

Much as you need to keep busy, you do need time to get your head around it too.

Very sorry to hear this news. This festive season has been awful - two of my friends lost a parent. Awful at any time of the year but even more so at this time of year. Many sympathies.

The loss of a parent whether its 'expected' after a long illness or sudden is always a shock, so I'm sending all my love and hugs your way.

I can't give you specifically any advice but when my Dad passed away suddenly my sister instantly crumbled into an emotional mess. I am usually seen as the 'strong one' and took on that roll when it was expected of me. I SHOULD have let myself have time to grieve but didn't.

I would say roll with whatever you're feeling, don't be afraid to ask people around you for support should you need it and don't feel guilty at any feelings you're having- I particularly remember feeling guilty at feeling 'numb' and just wanting the funeral to be over and done with.

Its obviously a very difficult time. Be kind to yourself.

Time does eventually bring more peace and comfort and memories become less painful- and they never go away.

Basically, like the others said, do what's best for YOU.

Thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss, there is no easy time and Christmas time just seems to add to the pain, when you think everyone else is happy and having fun.

I lost my mum 3 years ago today, she'd been ill for some time, but had gone into the hospice on Boxing Day to have her pain management sorted, and she never came out. On Dec 14th 2011 we lost my Dragon in Law too.

I think everyone has really said what needs to be said, be kind to yourself, and don't find it strange or inappropriate if you feel you are acting in a way that someone who's grieving shouldn't act. I came back from the hospice, to my Fathers house, and started to clean. Didn't stop for a cuppa or anything. In hind sight I hope my Dad didn't think that I was saying his house was dirty, it wasn't, it just seemed to be the best thing to do at that moment.

Grieving goes on for a long time, it's not just day's and weeks, and sometimes, things can pop up that make you sad long after you think it's all put to bed.

Just remember that your Mum is no longer in pain, there is no longer any suffering, and she'll always be in your heart and in your memory and try and remember her as she was when she was fit and healthy.

Sending you a hug, and don't forget to take care of yourself - that's what your Mum would have wanted after all xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My dad passed away a few months ago so I know a little of what you're going through. It does get better, slowly but it'll get there. Just keep getting up in the morning and plugging away at it one day at time.

There's not much that anyone can say to ease what you're feeling at the moment but I wanted to reiterate what a few others have mentioned- whatever you're feeling, allow yourself to feel it and give yourself time to grieve. I went with the stiff upper lip approach for 3 months and it all came back to the surface after Christmas. The tearfulness is driving me nuts but I'm finally processing what I should have done last year.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.