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- 19-07-2011, 14:14 #1
Opinions wanted ..
Hello all, I am writing a novel based loosely on my experiences of having a navy partner and was just wondering if you could let me know what you think if I posted a short excerpt here? I wondered if I had captured the raw emotion that we feel every time they have to leave us. My friends are complimentary but they have obviously not experienced what we do and so I thought the best advice might come from those who experience it just like me!? Any suggestions, encouragement etc would be MUCH appreciated!!!! x x
I clutch at his hand, trying to hold on to him for every last second. My heart is pounding and my throat is tight, I swallow and it’s like pushing rocks down my throat. My stomach churns and I feel dizzy with panic as my eyes blur with desperate unshed tears. I can feel my knees buckling and I need to sit down. The coarse beige-coloured carpet steadies my trembling frame and he kneels down in front of me, brow furrowed with concern, with fear. Burying myself in the crook of his neck I cling to him, hoping that if I hold on tight enough he won’t have to leave. He cradles my head and my lips quiver; I bite down desperately trying to keep my poise but the tears spill over.
“We’re going to be fine” he murmurs, “We’re going to be fine”.
I nod into his shoulder, hoping that my stifled breathy sobs won’t give me away. He pulls back, looking into my bloodshot, fearful eyes and starts to brush my cheeks dry.
“The time will go so fast lovely”.
I attempt a watery smile but the whimper that escapes gives way to a fresh batch of heaving sobs. He pulls me to him and we huddle there, clinging to each other until the sound of a car approaching turns my heart icy.
- 19-07-2011, 14:24 #2
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- With the lean green fighting machine
Well firstly I am an Army wife, so it is different. However, it is a bit mushy for me. Then I am not one for sentiment! (ducks knowing that something is going to get thrown at me in a minute).Carpe Diem
"Wit is educated insolence."
- 19-07-2011, 14:59 #3
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- 19-07-2011, 15:03 #4
Thanks for your feedback!! (you can straighten up, no throwing occurring!) This part was intended to be just an introductory prologue part. The majority of the story would be much less descriptive and much happier! Just wondered if it would make you intrigued to read more really.
- 19-07-2011, 15:05 #5
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
Mills and Boon isn't my cup of tea but then I have a potty mouth and prefer reality.
Keep going there is a market for everything these days.Mimi: "I'm a fat f*ck. I'm a f*cking fat f*cker".
- 19-07-2011, 15:36 #6
Not my cup of tea because I do have a swinging brick in place of a fully functioning heart.
I'm no author, but if I was forced to write a description of how my other half's departure on tour goes, it would be along the lines of:
Bodger was heartily sick of seeing sandy coloured kit strewn around the spare room and part packed bags lurking in the hallway so it was with a sense of relief that the day had arrived and Mr B was off. With nose pressed up against the window waiting for the car to arrive to whisk him away, Bodger listened to her husband rifling through the tumble dryer trying to find his special pair of pants. At last the car arrived. Bodger flung open the front door, heaved the heavy bags to the car and ushered Mr B out the door calling "don't forget to stop at the Guardroom to collect your weapons!". Bodger did the dutiful thing and waved until the tail lights disappeared, kicked his boots into the back of the cupboards and then sloped back off to bed.
He's never left at a sociable time of day. Ever.
- 19-07-2011, 15:59 #7SchuhGuest
Hahahahahahahaha, Bodger that did make I larf out loud.
I think the first is well written, but again, I'm not your target audience. Much prefer a good murder thriller meself!
Now if wifey is a secret serial killer who goes on a mad rampage when hubby is away, then i'm in.
Sent from my U20i using Tapatalk
- 19-07-2011, 16:28 #8
Not really my kinda thing either. My experience as a Navy wife usually revolves around the ship's management effing around with the programme every five minutes, including going through the emotion of saying goodbye, only for the ship to break down, return home and you get to do the whole thing all over again four days later. Not very romantic
Still, shows promise I think. Bet the reunion chapter gets a bit steamy. All that symbolism of waiting on the quayside, your man racing down the gangway..."Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
- 19-07-2011, 16:36 #9
Not my kind of book either I have to say - and does anyone have a send off like that?
Bodger that did make me chuckle a bit, brought visions back of what i was like 18 months ago!!!
I don't cry til he's gone cos I don't want him to see that moment of weakness - I am a strong woman and don't actually need him!!!
- 19-07-2011, 16:39 #10
Steamy reunion? Waiting on quay? Racing down the gangway? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Try "you stink dear and you're not coming near me till you've had a shower, then a bath x 2. Oh and whilst you're at it, you can put your stinking rotten uniform either in a bin bag tied shut or the whole lot in the washing machine cos I'm not touching it"
Submarines homecomings....not the stuff romantic scenes are made of.Silk has a stronger tensile strength than steel but is not rigid.
- 19-07-2011, 17:35 #11
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Kebabstan, Essex
Is it only my smutty mind that wanted to know what she swallowed?
why don't we have a RP story thread? One person does a couple of paras (paragraphs not the maroon kind) and then someone else, then someone else etc., we can see how long we can keep going for?
Anyone fancy it?
- 19-07-2011, 18:16 #12
- Join Date
- Sep 2010
- Devon, United Kingdom
It's a good descriptive paragraph, but I must admit I've never had a send off like that. I know that it would break my OH's heart if he left me in that state and he would feel even worse about leaving (I'm a Navy Wife too). Full blown emotion is often left till he has gone and the house has gone silent, or give it a few days and suddenly out of the blue out it pops! Nice paragraph though! it's definately showing emotion (I sound like a cold cow now lol)
- 19-07-2011, 18:24 #13
I think its good, like everyone else has said though, its either what is usually kept inside until they're out of sight or for the hardened amongst us...never at all haha.
I am just in admiration that the woman in the novel isn't a touchy overly sensitive biatch who's defences have gone up and would rather pick a trivial fight than admit inside I am feeling crushed
- 19-07-2011, 18:36 #14
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Home in Hampshire..at last.
Get yourself some of the great modern novels and play hunt the cliche, then you'll have your answer.
This is what, as an Army wife and someone who works in publishing, I would expect someone to write who was writing what she thought her reader would expect to see, not someone who was writing what she knew, experienced and believed.
I have read things that have made me think 'that's it! that's exactly how I feel!' and when I have gone back over the text I realise that the Author has pared the scenario down to the bone, that it is one word or gesture that has resonated. That it is what is NOT said which I have filled in which has made me believe the narrative.
Assume that your reader isn't stupid. Tell it like it really is. Throw out the cliches and cut your text down by half and then look at it again.
- 19-07-2011, 19:47 #15SchuhGuest
- 19-07-2011, 20:04 #16
- 19-07-2011, 23:00 #17ChantalGuest
Bodger that cracked me up! Unfortunately I think I'm the same way inclined. I can't wait til he gets his mess out the way so I can tidy the house but after a couple of days when I realise he's not coming back to mess it up again it hits me and I'm a right girl about it!
Wine, some emotional reality rubbish like Biggest Loser and I spend the night blubbing over missing him. Then I get up the next day and go shoe shopping and the world makes sense once more )
- 20-07-2011, 08:49 #18
I cant comment because i have never had to go through the leaving part I know how i feel now without any contact from him for 3 weeks and i can tell you its hard but i'm also a hard faced cow and wont show my emotions unless i'm all alone!!
Nicely written thoughPeople sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on there behalf
- 20-07-2011, 10:09 #19
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- South of England
I agree with all the others, it is good, but not really my bag......
Bodger is so right, plus I find, it is the build up, the few weeks before that I am worse, and on the actual day, you just have to man up and get on with it, and don't want to embarrass yourself looking like a clown with makeup streaming down your face, save your crying for private with the company of a bottle of wine (or 2) and a sad mix of songs on your ipod...... But I am sure that there is a market out there for it, perhaps the older generation...??? (don't mean to upset anyone with that comment!!!)
- 20-07-2011, 14:06 #20
Not my thing at all either. As much as I love my husband, we're not really the "smushy" type.
Our departures from eachother are more like me trying to hold back tears, and him coming out with some quip that I "better cry" when he leaves or something like that.
I think if your going to write a novel you need to keep it on the quick witted, quirky, sarcastic sort of side. If you want a British audience anyway, we like to see the amusing side of things Much like Bodgers take on it really. Infact you could tidy up Bodgers para a bit, keep her last comment about "he never leaves at a socialable time" and whambam, thats your interlude!
Hubbys last phonecall before he jumps on the plane to come home usually goes something like this "hey darling, cant wait to see you, missed you so much" ... "missed you too babe, did you get me in some beers" ... "yeh course I did" ... "great thanks babe" ... "see you in 24 hours then, oh and make sure you have a shower before you come back cos I'm gonna rip your clothes off" ... "i will".
Course the actual homecoming usually ends up with hubby outers by one beer, and sleeping for the next week!
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