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Discuss Relationship advice in The Lounge on Rear Party; Well its some time since I posted on RP, kinda skulked off back to Arrse. Anyway ladies I need some advice. In January this year I met a wonderful lady who is three years old ...
  
  1. #1
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Relationship advice

    Well its some time since I posted on RP, kinda skulked off back to Arrse. Anyway ladies I need some advice.

    In January this year I met a wonderful lady who is three years old than me, she has 4 kids and is twice divorced, didn't take long to fall in love with her and her kids and we have had lovely time (people commented on how happy and in love we looked in photos that were posted on Facebook).

    During the summer I started receiving strange txts, two years ago I had met this woman and not really hit it off, she was one of the people that get on your Facebook friends list and fades into the crowd. These txts were everything from need help with pc to "I am just seeing who still wants to be friends with me, I have been beaten up and have two black eyes and a broken nose" I showed my girlfriend who wasn't that happy.

    During the summer we have been really active taking the kids all over the place and of course the photos have been posted on Facebook for all to see. I then get a msg from this woman that my girlfriend is having an affair with a married man! well I sent a msg saying get lost and promptly blocked her on Facebook, she then rang me (phone number is on Facebook), saying why should my girlfriend get all the fun and we could have a good life together (I think she thought I was loaded because I live in a village and of the days out in the photos and was jealous), she then said that she was just about to tell my girlfriend that we had been having an affair for past three months and was sending the message 3 - 2 - 1

    I just could not believe it so I told my girlfriend. I know it hurt her as a few days later whilst we were in the garden she swore about the women (she looked really hurt).

    I dunno I thought it would blow over, this was in September, she had admitted to me that she had looked at the smooch dating site, just to see if the same old idiots were on there and they were. This stick in the back of my mind.

    My memory is now a bit sketchy now but we had a row about something trivial, something just told me to look on smooch and sure enough there was a new member with her initials on line. I immediately told her I knew she was on there and this profile disappeared. she told me she was just looking.

    At this time she told me she loved several times. Then one Saturday I was waiting for her tell me when to pop round, I heard nothing then so switched off my pc and was just about to go out the door when I thought no I will go and switch on the pc and send her a txt. I logged on Facebook and went to her page and got a shock, she had changed her relationship status from being with me to divorced. She had also removed a video I had posted with a I love you msg.

    I went round hers and asked what was wrong, she seemed defensive and said she wanted people to know she was divorced. I ended up coming home and we kinda split up for the day. Now I was suffering from ear ache and this was affecting my sleep in fact I had insomnia.

    I just felt something wasn't right, no the thing is I was going round five days a week up to the beginning of summer then she was expecting me round every day, this was ok during the summer months as I could disappear into the garden, with autumn now here that became more difficult and I started planning on doing other things in the week to keep me occupied. We spent the weekend together and she asked me if I could perhaps go down to visiting one day in the week and at weekends (well I was expecting two as we talked about it the week before), she just seemed distant, then I noticed she was spending time chatting to people online a lot which she didn't do up till September. In fact we used to sit together whilst having a cuddle whilst she'd be online.

    On this night I knew she was on msn and I threw her a worried look, she looked at me and gave a shallow smile, just before I left I tried having a word, I was so worried about losing her.

    The insomnia got worse I was so worried I couldn't see I was probably smothering her. The next day I was clearing out my spam folder when I noticed I had an email from Friends Reunited Dating (I had paid for three months at the end of 2007 towards the end of my divorce). So I logged on because I wanted to delete the profile, in doing so one of the profile pictures was in the gallery was my girlfriend, I wasn't thinking straight and didn't look at the advert, it said the main txt would be added within 24 hours (actually if I had read it properly I would have seen it was ages old), once when we had a minor argument her 15 year old daughter had put my girlfriend on, and promptly forgot about it and this is what I had found, unfortunately I went straight round and demanded an explanation. It was then it dawned I had made a mistake.

    She told me to leave and she told me I was dumped as soon as I got online at home.

    I just felt devastated, I was so exhausted from the insomnia, I needed to talk so I asked her sister who told me to let her be for a while she should calm down.

    The trouble with us blokes is we do all the wrong things, say the wrong things because our hearts rule our heads, she had blocked and deleted me on Facebook and msn/skype so not a lot I could do, on the Friday I decided to buy some flowers and some chocolates and left them round her mums, we had a good chat about what happened.

    I was literally heart broken and very hurt, not sleeping, on the Saturday I managed to kick the insmnia as I had meds for the ear ache.

    She picked them up the next day, she sent me a msg was I ok?

    but didn't re-add me on Facebook.

    I started to think about what if we didn't get back together again, so I created an account on a dating site only to find my now ex girlfriends profile already there.

    I thought that was it, I stood no chance so I filled my account details in and posted my photos.

    She wasn't amused and accused me of snooping, spying and stalking her online which wasn't true, I did initially do the wrong thing by talking to her family (sister) and a so called facebook friend (who first ofall went to town saying how my ex was probably having an affair then told my ex that I was snooping/stalking her! this so called friend blocked me soon after this).

    A week went by and I decided to have a clean break so I wrote a letter on the Friday night saying sorry what had happened, how much I loved her and her kids and how the break up was my fault.

    I then had a message later on Facebook from her, we started sending messages although we weren't friends, I just said I wanted to be friends. Two things happened the first was just before we broke up I had sent her female cousin a friends request (we had met in the summer) when things went down hill I removed the request, On the Saturday out of the blue I then received a message from the cousin, this got back to the ex who wasn't happy I was talking to family members. On Sunday she found out I had asked a mutual friend (who I had known when we were teenagers) out for a coffee to talk about the old days. My ex went ballistic with me, really strange as she was spitting venom accusing me of going off with our friend. In amongst all this she sent me a friends request! which I accepted on that night.

    On tuesday night I got home about 9.20 and she was questioning me about people on my friends list, why had I re-added someone (seemed jealous), she then mentioned a few things that didn't make much sense, about an RAF base which she had found out closed two years ago, didn't make sense to me.

    Last night she was talking to me and said that she had been chatting with someone who was claiming to be an RAF Pilot and Cyprus was mentioned, she then said it was me! and said I was sick,bit ironic really I do some walt hunting on arrse occasionally.

    We didn't get far as she blocked and deleted me, but not before I had put in a request on arrse for info from the air force list and it looks like this person wasn't what they said.

    I was annoyed that I went round hers and knocked on the door, she would answer so I shoved the arrse print outs through the letter box and then had a bizarre talk through the letter box, then her ex hubby turned up dropping on eof the kids off. We had a chat, he said she gets this way because she been hurt by so many men. He also said he thought that it may not necessarily be over between us...he also said we really needed to talk. I said I didn't need to know or cared who was on her friends list and that if she met someone then I'd be happy for her. He told me to leave it a few days.

    When I got home she had unblocked me and sent a msg saying she had been doing a bit of detective work and spoken to a facebook friend of this so called pilot and she said she knew him but he had disappeared of Facebook that day. She also mentioned that she had still got a msg from him in her inbox and it looked like he was a real person.

    So that's it, the current state of play, thankfully the hurt has gone, I have been more upset about this than when I got divorced. I thought I was going to spend a lot time with her, in fact I thought we were going to grow old together.

    I still love her and her kids to bits, to be honest I'm leaving it but I'm really unsure how the next few days are going to pan out.

    so over to you lot
    Last edited by Pandaplodder; 18-11-2010 at 19:56.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Joey's Avatar
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    This may sound harsh but I got bored of reading that half way through.

    It sounds to me like your entire relationship was conducted over social media and instant messaging sites, with a lot of rumour, speculation and chinese whispers.

    I have to say, I think you need to either have a very frank face to face conversation with her, or simply move on.

  3. #3
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joey View Post
    This may sound harsh but I got bored of reading that half way through.

    It sounds to me like your entire relationship was conducted over social media and instant messaging sites, with a lot of rumour, speculation and chinese whispers.

    I have to say, I think you need to either have a very frank face to face conversation with her, or simply move on.
    its only since we have split up that its gone this way, its stupid and I agree we need to talk

  4. #4
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    My advice is to step away from Facebook.

  5. #5
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bodger View Post
    My advice is to step away from Facebook.
    this is the problem its the only way to contact her, she won't answer txts which are worse or even answer her phone

  6. #6
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Please, if she won't answer her phone or texts she doesn't want to speak to you. If I'm going to be brutally honest, it sounds as though you're harassing her.

  7. #7
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bodger View Post
    Please, if she won't answer her phone or texts she doesn't want to speak to you. If I'm going to be brutally honest, it sounds as though you're harassing her.
    I said I wanted a clean break, I feel she isn't sure (and I'm not the only one who thinks this), I'm just going to let her be now and see what happens

  8. #8
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    A good idea. But if you wanted a clean break why did you keep trying to contact her?

  9. #9
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    read it again it was her not me, even last night she contacted me again to say sorry

  10. #10
    Moderator bodger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pandaplodder View Post
    read it again it was her not me, even last night she contacted me again to say sorry
    Yep, read it again. But it still says :

    Quote Originally Posted by Pandaplodder View Post
    this is the problem its the only way to contact her, she won't answer txts which are worse or even answer her phone

  11. #11
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bodger View Post
    Yep, read it again. But it still says :
    ahh she only contacts me by sending msgs on facebook!

  12. #12
    Senior Member Josephine's Avatar
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    It's all social media, not much real talking face-to-face and it seems neither of you have trust in eachother. Facebook, msn, dating sites, txts blah blah blah..............not healthy at all.

    Know when to quit, you are verging on harrasment as it is, she doesn't want to know anymore, cut your losses and move on.

    Next time, don't base a relationship on the online world, limit the social networking and speak face to face. THAT will get you further in a relationship and build better trust.
    Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

  13. #13
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Josephine View Post
    It's all social media, not much real talking face-to-face and it seems neither of you have trust in eachother. Facebook, msn, dating sites, txts blah blah blah..............not healthy at all.

    Know when to quit, you are verging on harrasment as it is, she doesn't want to know anymore, cut your losses and move on.

    Next time, don't base a relationship on the online world, limit the social networking and speak face to face. THAT will get you further in a relationship and build better trust.
    To be honest apart from saying hello on skype in the mornings,we weren't on any social media that much, on used fb for posting photos this year.

    Your right about trust neither of us has done well out of this. Maybe I should block her now and have done with. Like I said just as I am ready to move on she contacts me, that's not fair to suggest its me, also the walt thing, it was so badly done yet she was accusing me, what ever happens now I will get the blame, there comes a time when you have say stop and draw a line, is anyone starts being freaky with me then that's it I walk away.

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    move on she clearly doens't want contact with you at the moment. move on. I totally agree with above post, dont let the internet be the basis of a relationship! there is a big wide real world out there that actually involves speaking and interacting with people the good ol' fashioned way!

    live and learn

  15. #15
    Senior Member Fally_Fox's Avatar
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    I agree with the others above, she obviously wanted some space to calm down, as her sister said, and to me the point of printing out things from an internet site is a bit too weird and would have annoyed me too. If she's been treated badly before then she's going to be insecure and even though you were upfront with everything, it appears that it went a bit too far trying to prove your innocence. And again, as has been said, too much of it was being done online. Facebook is a killer for many relationships, and I even caught my ex out on Bebo; it's a horrible minefield.

    Your post did kind of go on a bit, but I think I understand where you're coming from. But from her point of view the girl needs some space and time to think and maybe she'll realise in time if she wants to be with you again or not; constantly trying to speak to someone and then her family and friends would annoy the hell out of even the most patient of people. Try and see it from her point of view, I think perhaps you missed the point at where it became freaky.

    If you can get in touch with her, she can get in touch with you. Take a deep breath and walk away and if she wants to speak to you, she will. If not, mark it down to experience and move on!

  16. #16
    Member Pandaplodder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fally_Fox View Post
    I agree with the others above, she obviously wanted some space to calm down, as her sister said, and to me the point of printing out things from an internet site is a bit too weird and would have annoyed me too. If she's been treated badly before then she's going to be insecure and even though you were upfront with everything, it appears that it went a bit too far trying to prove your innocence. And again, as has been said, too much of it was being done online. Facebook is a killer for many relationships, and I even caught my ex out on Bebo; it's a horrible minefield.

    Your post did kind of go on a bit, but I think I understand where you're coming from. But from her point of view the girl needs some space and time to think and maybe she'll realise in time if she wants to be with you again or not; constantly trying to speak to someone and then her family and friends would annoy the hell out of even the most patient of people. Try and see it from her point of view, I think perhaps you missed the point at where it became freaky.

    If you can get in touch with her, she can get in touch with you. Take a deep breath and walk away and if she wants to speak to you, she will. If not, mark it down to experience and move on!
    The printing out stuff was to prove my innocence and like I said she sent me a msg saying sorry afterwards coz it transpires that other evidence points to someone else.

    But as for the rest of what you say yes its what I have been waiting to hear and honestly that's what I'm doing, she knows where I am if she wants me, absolutely no point in chasing someone who needs space, thanks FF x
    Last edited by Pandaplodder; 18-11-2010 at 21:19.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Fally_Fox's Avatar
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    I guess so, I just think it may have pushed a button when someone was angry enough already but in your case it proved matters.

    I hope things work out in the best way for you, and though it feels like absolute dog shit now I bet it helped to vent on here All the best x

  18. #18
    Senior Member Josephine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pandaplodder View Post
    To be honest apart from saying hello on skype in the mornings,we weren't on any social media that much, on used fb for posting photos this year.

    Your right about trust neither of us has done well out of this. Maybe I should block her now and have done with. Like I said just as I am ready to move on she contacts me, that's not fair to suggest its me, also the walt thing, it was so badly done yet she was accusing me, what ever happens now I will get the blame, there comes a time when you have say stop and draw a line, is anyone starts being freaky with me then that's it I walk away.
    Maybe that is the answer you need ^^ I doubt there is anything to claw back from this and tbh, do you or her want the hassle? Time to break ties, I say
    Last edited by Josephine; 19-11-2010 at 08:14.
    Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

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    I have re-read it three times and the only advice I can give is that when love hurts it wont work and don't be a fool when love really don't love you.

    me
    xx

  20. #20
    Senior Member golden_showers's Avatar
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    Get in touch with that Jeremy Kyle, he'll sort you out!
    'You can't give a person who has periods too much responsibility!'

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