Thread: ALL Email and Internet Funnies: Add Here

..

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. After a short while, he noticed a Police Officer walking towards him, between the lines of stopped cars. He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Constable replied: "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories; about why we went to war in Iraq, or that there is no pensions crisis, or the worsening economy, or that constant adding of stealth taxes, or that his education reforms are going to do any good, or that the health service is safe in his hands, or that immigration is under control, or that he's not George Bush's lapdog, or that his Party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends, or that his chairmanship of the European Community hasn't just led to more power being surrendered to the French ........ So we're taking up a collection for him.

Thoughtfully, the man asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The Officer replies, "About forty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning........"

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!"

"Okay," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over those dunes to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the sand dunes and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

How to Shower Like A Woman:

Take off clothes and place then in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like A Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those course bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".


SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars'
comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA. Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)

PEARLHARBOUR. Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

URI GELLER. See Nelson Mandela (above)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her
while she was sleeping.


"Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?


When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret..

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later, the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third ques! tion. "What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time, Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

Some of the best Double Entendres on British TV.





Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."





Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisitio n was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."


"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"


But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."


So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f#cking CocoPops" :roll:

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond walks
by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on
a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man
lumbers out of the steam
room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine ....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women ...

The first ones have been on before - but keep reading - they get funnier!!!!
Enjoy!
oooh... and HAPPY FRIDAY guys!
Kate x
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
> enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced
> to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
> squirt blood 30 feet.
> (O.M.G.!)
>
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
> (Creepy.)
>
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
> body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
> length of a football field.
>
> (30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
>
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> (Hmmmmmm........)
>
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
> people.
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
>
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> (I know some people like that.)
>
>
> Starfish have no brains.
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
>
> Polar bears are left-handed.
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
>
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>
> (What about that pig??)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered
to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that
the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just
went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with
his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I
possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Subject: Amusing Quotes
>
>>> >Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
>>> >astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
>>> >
>>> >"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
>>> >come in his shorts."
>>> >................................................. ..........
>>> >
>>> >Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
>>> >Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>>> >................................................. .............
>>> >
>>> >Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
>>> >This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
>>>bed
>>> >last night."
>>> >................................................. ...........
>>> >
>>> >'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
>>> >formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
>>> >he sees."
>>> >................................................. ............
>>> >
>>> >Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
>>> >Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
>>> >................................................. .............
>>> >
>>> >Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
>>> >match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
>>> >he just tossed it off."
>>> >................................................. ............
>>> >
>>> >Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
>>> >nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
>>> >................................................. ............
>>> >
>>> >James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
>>> >does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>>> >................................................. .....
>>> >
>>> >Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
>>> >today after a 69."
>>> >................................................. .............
>>> >
>>> >The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
>>> >away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
>>> >................................................. ........
>>> >
>>> >Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
>>> >race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
>>> >coming from different positions."
>>> >................................................. .......
>>> >
>>> >Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
>>> >said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>>> >................................................. .............
>>> >
>>> >A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
>>> >and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
>>> >eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
>>> >the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>>> >
>>> >................................................. ......
>>> >
>>> >US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
>>> >playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
>>> >balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
>>> >................................................. ........
>>> >
>>> >Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
>>> >that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
>>>the
>>> >Oxford crew."
>>> >................................................. ............
>>> >
>>> >Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
>>> >I once rode her mother."
>>> >................................................. ..........
>>> >
>>> >New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
>>> >Gibson comes inside of him."
>>> >................................................. ............
>>> >
>>> >Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
>>> >Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
>>

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge tits who owns
an off-licence and has a twin sister.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water, His trusty
horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands
certain that he has breathed his last.

All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie,

but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character,
wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You
have three wishes

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not
going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks
like you're going die anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute or so and decides
that the dull genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink".
********** P O O F **********The man finds himself in the most
beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with carafes of vino
superior and platters of Marks & Spencer delicacies.

"OK sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
********** P O O F ********** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life (assuming only one attempted
kidnapping per decade).

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want, and need me."

********** P O O F ********** He turned into a tampon.





And the moral of the story?

If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached!

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of
the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the day's events
over a couple of shandys. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it"

The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual few pumps
and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it
is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their
respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet
up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our
first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives
sat with us."

"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we
order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it"
offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a
bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can
barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to
the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English
breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange
in a toast to his fantastic prowess. The waitress moves to the second
couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to
shoot a salute to the master swordsman. The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall
have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST"
he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his
two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw
his poor willy must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an
awful lot" ................

"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is and can you make
two of those brown."

teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
>
>The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
>
>The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
>
>The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not propriate...
>
>The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
>
>
>Happy Gardening. (This is too funny not to share)

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to

the

>

> currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line ... just one

guy in

>

> front of me.

>

> The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen

for

>

> dollars and he was a little agitated .

>

> He asked the teller, "why it change?" yestoday I get two hunat dolla

fo

> yen

> - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

>

> The teller replies: "Fluctuations"

>

> The Asian guy says: "Fluc you white guys too!"

>