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I will never view Kermit the same way again....




Childhood - ruined.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter,

Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived only by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Classic Complaint

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Saw this and had to share > Apologies if people have already seen it

Do not talk to my Parrot!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking Dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.




The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
Contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'



To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'


See - Men just don't listen!

A lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Scotsman are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Scotsmen would like to play a fun game.

The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Scotsmans attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Scotsmans turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him $500.. The Scotsman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'


The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


Don't mess with Scotsmen.

just had this sent to me at work!
www.mylazysundays.com (if it says access denied, try again, it seems to work the second time!)

Originally Posted by choc-chip-cookie

just had this sent to me at work!
www.mylazysundays.com (if it says access denied, try again, it seems to work the second time!)

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

A judge, interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"A couple of acres and a nice little home situated in the middle of the property with a stream running by," she replied.

"No, ma'am," the judge said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as do my husband's parents," she said.

"Do you have a real grudge?" asked the judge.

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one," she answered.

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both of our children have stereo sets.

We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'," she said.

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" the judge asked.

"Yes," she replied, "once or twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.


"I've never wanted a divorce.


It's my husband who wants it.


He said he can't communicate with me."

People who look the same in every photo... love the last bloke!

http://izismile.com/2009/04/17/peopl...es_5_gifs.html

Originally Posted by Fingerbob

People who look the same in every photo... love the last bloke!

http://izismile.com/2009/04/17/peopl...es_5_gifs.html

That was well funny...the last bloke though 8O what a plank!

A few things i found funny today so thought you lot might too

:lol:
Billy is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway to Belfast. Suddenly a man knocks on the window, Billy rolls down the window and asks whats happening, man says "UDA have kidnapped the x-factor twins and are asking for ten million or they are going to pour petrol over them and burn them.We are going from car to car asking for a collection!"
Billy asks "How much is everyone giving"
"About a gallon." He replies.

:lol:

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Here see the site its so funny,are they for real?
http://funnyexam.com/

Dunno if this one has been done before...

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Or suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?


Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)....

.

.


God replied:


"I didn't bloody recognize you."

Radio 4 presenter's slip up, made me giggle anyway:

YouTube - James Naughtie introduces Jeremy Hunt BBC Radio 4

(contains the C word -and I don't mnean Christmas- so don't listen around children or easily offended ears!)

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama
was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of
condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day
with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of
condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:



MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

So funny but it shouldn't be...

How to stop cats pissing on your car, The best cat video ever! - Craig Turner - YouTube