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want something to make you smile today....?...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iGof...elated&search=

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

The sorry bastard who made you sad.

2 When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3 When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well

Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

'because you are my friend '.

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

Everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think Of 4.

Older women are so practical

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT
ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A
$45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A
65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE
LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND
WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your lazy arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"...

and another one....

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES...

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anSpBUxsgAU

for the mums!

You may have seen this before but it is still funny

The Why's of Men?

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your
face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat the living shit out of him.

AMEN


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading you r e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

These are genuine clips from Council complaint letters

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I can't take it anymore

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

My toilet seat is cracked,where do I stand ?

Will you please send someone round to mend the garden path,my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp,50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

Will you send a man round to look at my water,it is a funny colour and not fit to drink

Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in 3 pieces

I wish to complain about the farmer across the road,every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and now it is getting too much for me

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous

Our kitchen floor is damp,we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it

I have had the Clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but still have no satisfaction

This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.



The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


Signed,



All Us Women

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake:

Ingredients:
1 cup water 1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt Lemon Juice

4 large eggs Nuts

1 bottle of Vodka 1 can of Red Bull

2 cups dried fruit


:santa:


Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.

3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.

4. Repeat.

5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.

8. Flavour with red bull to taste.

9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.

10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

11. Pick fruit off floor

12. Mix on the turner.

13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed

Rull.

15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**

16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder

17. Pick up the can, mop the floor

18. Checkthe vodka :drunken:

19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

20. Add one table.

21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..

23. Don't forget to beat off the turner

24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.

25. Fall into bed.


CHERRY MISTMAS :mrgreen:

(Oh I love that last one!!!!)

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the

line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the

Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell

you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the

beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie

down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.



This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable

person to show you care.



Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Seen it before, But still funny

A Message from John Cleese



To: The Citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to nominate competent
candidates for President of

the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths and territories (except
Kansas, which she

does not fancy).



Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America

without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.



A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you

noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:



You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.



1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.



2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping

half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced
by the suffix -ise.



Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable

levels. (look up 'vocabulary').



3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of

communication. There is no such thing as US English. We
will let Microsoft

know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will
be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of -ize. You will

relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.



4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.



5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled

by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to

handle a gun.



6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.



7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.



8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense

of humour.



9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been

calling gasoline)- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.



10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as

beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred

to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as
they are pound for

pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can
only be due to the

beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see
what it did for

them.



12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play

English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.



13. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or

wearing full kevlar Body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby

- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash

us.



14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host

an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is
a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will

let you face the South Africans first to take the sting
out of their

deliveries.



15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.



16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies

due (backdated to 1776).



17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, never mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.



God save the Queen.



John Cleese

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS.



HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR

WEEKS NOW.




HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT
LOOK LIKE

I HAVE YORKSHIRE ELECTRIC WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
SO.



FINE. THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE
DOOR? IT

WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.




TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE

CURRY'S FRIDGE REPAIR WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.




FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE
FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.




I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES
IT LOOK

LIKE I HAVE


B N' Q WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.




I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!




SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF


HOURS...............................




HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND
DECIDES TO GO

HOME




AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY
FIXED.



AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.




AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.




HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN
YOU LEFT I

SAT


OUTSIDE AND CRIED.




JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD
HIM.



HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED

WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.




HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?




SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I

DON'T THINK SO!

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

-------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 200 7 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

A guy was driving saw a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You
talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's
your story?"


The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me
sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines.
You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders; because no one figure d a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded
a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the
Air Force!"

loved it !!!lol

you may have heard this before and I may be in a funny mood but this tickled me.....

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck...

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

.



'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

haven't heard that one before funny as hell