Thread: Need your help Ladies (and gents!)

I'm having a really tough time at the moment.
I've spent the last 10 years having a woman who married my dad constantly put me down and make me argue with them both so that my dad thought less of me. She's very manipulative. Now he's died it seems to have got alot worse. Its his funeral tomorrow.

Anyway, the latest is she's told my mum (of all people!) that she is going to do her best tomorrow to wind me up and make me break so that I have a go at her, and then she can show me up infront of everyone there.
Now obviously my initial reaction is anger and how I want to beat the living daylights out of the woman. Then I calmed down and thought, Jesus she's cremating her husband and all she can think about is how to wind me up?! I've dealt with this for the last 10 years, but I've put it aside because of my dad. Now he's not here I've got nothing to lose.
However, my dad's funeral in neither the time nor the place to do it, I'm there to say goodbye to my dad. My mum and I are going to sit tonight and form a "battle plan" as such - think of all the thinks she could possibly do or say tomorrow so that I get the anger over and done with and can stay calm tomorrow. But I know how hard it is going to be for me. I've got such a short temper and she's using my own weakness against me.
I'm also reading a poem with my sister. The evil woman is adamant that we don't do it cos she thinks we'll break down, and wants the celebrant to do it. I spoke to this celebrant yesterday and I don't like the woman, and would rather she didn't take over. However, this is just one of the things I know will get my blood boiling past exploding points, and so does the evil wife - so she will ask the celebrant to take over regardless. My hubby is on standby to take over if need be.

Does anyone have any other tips on how to stay calm? How to get through it in the dignified manner that my Dad would expect of me?

Just wanted to say something in time, I hope, although I really don't have any answers.
However, I'll tell you about a situation that happened at a funeral just over a year ago. A young man with mental health problems for many years committed suicide. We found out when my partner's former girlfriend emailed from Africa, where she works - they'd been togather at university, and broke up about 10 years before I met him, and we'd all met a few times since, when she returned to UK. She asked us to attend the funeral to support her and her parents (who I'd never met, but at the pub afterwards, they said that their daughter had said good things about me!) The key factor was that our friend read a poem at the funeral (humanist, by the way) and did become distressed, so her mum went up and put her arm round her shoulders, so she was able to continue.
However you react at the funeral, getting upset reading a poem, or whatever, it's OK, it's what you should do. Standing with your sister and having your hubby on standby seems the perfect solution.
Hope the funeral goes as well as possible.

Sorry to hear about this situation and the passing of your Dad. Like Copepod says, having someone next to you will help if you need them. Perhaps an action plan of having someone with you all the time so if she decides to say something out of tune, they can step in for you and say now is not the time nor place, we'll discuss this later? Or maybe go see her before? Take the horribly nice position and she what she has to say and get it over and done with in before but don't know if that'd risk something else on the day?

Incredibly hard as it is and most likely will be, you may just have to rise above it to give your Dad the respect you so much desire.

I hope that the day goes well for you and your family. Keep smiling and remembering the good times before

Hx

No words of wisdom but I'll be thinking of you and hoping you manage to rise above it and give your dad the send-off he deserves x

Mrs M why not fuck with her head?

Whatever she says to you, whatever she throws up, however she acts simply tilt your head and say '(insert name here) I forgive you.' then walk away from her. Do it regardless of what she does, I think the family will be stunned to see her physically attacking you, which if she does you do not hit back, just make sure everyone sees it. :-)

But she'll go off before you do!

Beebs x

i think Beebs has the right idea......what an evil woman, wanting to make the funeral about her revenge

Very tricky one Mrs M. Firstly, I think that I would keep someone with me at all times (strength in numbers) and seeing as it's an English service, nobody would stop you from getting up to read as that would "cause a scene", you're his daughter so it would be entirely natural for you to stand up. Do tell the celebrant what you are going to do very calmly and without trying to justify your actions if that makes sense, you have every right.

If the SM does talk to you, I would show no emotion at all, don't turn your back, don't walk away. Stand there staring at a point just past her head and turn when she's finished speaking, definately don't make eye contact.

Showing any emotion be it anger, rudeness, etc is a win for her so I wouldn't give her the satisfaction but as always......easier said than done.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. What a bitch the woman sounds.

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

Mrs M why not fuck with her head?

Whatever she says to you, whatever she throws up, however she acts simply tilt your head and say '(insert name here) I forgive you.' then walk away from her. Do it regardless of what she does, I think the family will be stunned to see her physically attacking you, which if she does you do not hit back, just make sure everyone sees it. :-)

But she'll go off before you do!

Beebs x

I think this is a good plan, but also, make sure someone is by your side, they can be a way to give you mental strength especially if they place a protective arm on you, take a deep (silent) breath and after letting it out, then speak, just imagine you are letting out all the negative feelings.

If needed get the person with you, to say slightly louder than normal "shame on you for being (delete as applicable) nasty/spiteful/evil at a funeral, I guess your true colours show through" may shame her into being quiet

As someone else with a short temper I can totally relate to your internal struggle. Its horrible to have to be thinking about 'playing the game' at a time like this and quite frankly your stepmothers behaviour is despicable.

However its the situation you find yourself in so it needs to be done I guess. I agree with Beebs. Be ridiculously nice to her or play the victim. Clearly she is aiming to show you up in front of your fathers family and friends to somehow justify her own behaviour towards you. Just remind yourself regularly that as much as giving her what for would be oh so satisfying playing the long game, not giving her the reaction she's looking for will piss her off a hell of a lot more than shouting at her would.

If needs be find a quiet place where she won't find you and take yourself off there for a moment if you feel the red mist rising then return calm and collected again.

Although its not what you want I think if the reading would cause a scene (im not sure how it works but i assume she is NOK so therefore all funeral arrangements would fall to her. If she says the celebrant should read it i think he has to follow her wishes not yours no matter how unfair that is) I would let that one lie. Find a spot that is special to you and your dad and not the wicked witch of the west and say the things to him that you wanted to. As awful as it is this woman clearly doesn't want to allow you public grief but she can't deny you it in private. Whatever you do decide to do make sure that when the anger has passed a year down the line you won't look back and regret anything you did or didn't do. Stuff that stupid woman do what you need to do for you.

And if you do lose your temper make sure you do it with style! If you have to give her the satisfaction of a response make sure it's one she wont forget in a hurry!

Will be thinking of you xx

She's agreed to us doing the reading, that's not a problem as such she just doesn't want my husband to take over if we break down, but I think it's much more personal when the poem is to dad.
My mum is coming. Wicked witch wants me on the front row with her but I've decided I'm going to sit further back with my mum for support. I'm not telling wicked witch so that there will be 4 empty seats where me, hubby and my daughters should be. That should shame her enough.
Just really need coping mechanisms on how to bite my tongue more than anything, that's what I'll find the hardest

Find a different focus. Having your girls there will help. If she starts then you can easily remove yourself by saying that one of the girls needs something. Stepping away from her when she's trying to wind you up will give you the chance to take a few breaths and compose yourself.

The thing to remember is that she isnt going to push you too far anywhere in other people's earshot because she'll make herself look bad. if you stay around other people then all she can do is throw a few veiled digs at you which shouldn't be too difficult to brush off.

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.

Um, this is a tough one as I will one day be in the same situation. Could I stay calm? If I am honest I am not sure I could, especially given the emotion and the anger of years gone by. High moral ground is difficult to find sometimes.

I would be inclined to stay as far away as possible from her. The chances are many around her will know what she is like anyway. Make sure your mum is nearby. It will give you strength.

When reading try to take the emotion out of it as if you were just reading a passage to a room. That way you will be less likely to break. Dont think about the words as you are reading them.

Stay strong, you have one more day to get through and then there is nothing stopping you from tearing her a new one.

Chin up xxxx

Quick one, while I'm at work.

First, sorry for your loss and for the fact that you're having to use time that should be spent saying goodbye, working through how to deal with this cow.

Second - channel your temper. You will wind her up SO much by doing something along the lines of what Beebs says - she will be seething FAR more than as a result of anything you could ever say in anger to her.

Everyone else will see her for the b1tch she is, and you'll have the most enormous sense of satisfaction if you don't bite.

Good luck!! x

Thanks guys. I knew you lot would come up with some good ideas.
I somehow feel quite calm now. Tomorrow is about remembering my Dad and nothing or no-one is going to detract my thoughts from that. And about the girls saying goodbye to their Grumpy.
Will let you all know how it goes!!!

I completely agree with Beebs. I also want to add a massive (((HUG)))

Funerals are actually quite easy to avoid people. Circulate - that is the answer. Go round everyone and keep as far away from your bete noir. If she starts to circulate then you go and sit down. This is a game that can carry on all afternoon and loom completely natural.

These are very emotional times and you should try to keep your emotions in check; use your own family, mother, husband and kids to support you.

Funerals are very difficult times and it is why they have the reputation for huge family fall-outs. I wish you well and hope you get through the day without mis-hap.

Sorry for your loss and its even more poignant just before Christmas.

She sounds very toxic (I have a toxic mother) and I have learnt over the years that one thing they love more than winding people up, is getting the reaction. So don't bite. Completely agree with Beebs suggestion, and Auld_Yin and quite frankly everyone's really.

Is tomorrow the last time you will ever have to see her? Then I think it is very important that at the end of the service (or gathering) you are polite (dont bite whatever she says) and walk away. Show everyone there that you are better than her.

Then tomorrow night, (are you back at home tomorrow night?) why release some balloons with your girls in the garden? Perhaps light a candle out there? My friend always leaves a whiskey out for her late father on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years Eve.

TLC x

I'm not sure there is much to add, sorry to hear about your dad Mrs_M, thats never going to be easy no matter what time of year it is, but to hear about the step-mother is franking a shocking and a bit pathetic really.

I'd go with the general idea of smile and nod to whatever she says - even if that means once she's gone you say what you really wanted (when she's out of earshot of course), she sounds like a bully and if you take away the power she thinks she has then there is nothing she can do.

Sounds like you'll have enough people around you that will allowed you to make the most of the day without additional pointless stress from her. All the best

Sorry for your loss

I hope you take the advice above - all of it is good!


Best wishes for tomorrow - I hope you find the strength you need x

Just don't let her make yourself look like a cnut.

Forget about the past ten years tomorrow, and just tell yourself she's acting this way because she's grieving for your Dad. Then let it out in a room on your jack when you get home.

I too am sorry for your lost. I'll raise a glass for you and him tomorrow evening.