Thread: Help from fally please!

Hi
Sorry this is going to be a bit long winded :-(
I am looking for some help from those in the know in fally. At the moment i am engaged to my fella of 3.5 years and due to get married in Dec this year. We only recently got engaged in April after realising we couldnt continue to spend 90% of the year apart with me still in scotland and him only getting home once every few months. We had always spoke about getting married so it was an easy decision to get engaged and get married and everything was great.
After lots of "your going...... your not going..... oh now you are again" He has since been deployed to afghan and is out there till oct and not due home for any time till nov, a month before the wedding. Him being so far out of contact has made us both question the marriage. We have no doubt we love each other but are we ready to give up everything we have built back at home with friends, family, work and a home to start everything in germany. We have never really spent any real time together as after the first 6months he joined the army and left.
We are scared of it not being right and how we will actually work being together all the time as its not how we are used to the relationship.
I am now thinking about postponing the wedding and looking at private renting a flat and getting used to a "real" relationship before risking a marriage on it.
I know there will be lots of you out there that have been in a similar or exact same boat as me so looking for your advise please! i dont know what to do and we cant talk about it as he is only able to get to a phone once in a blue moon.

Thank you! :-)

Answered yourself there......

"I am now thinking about postponing the wedding and looking at private renting a flat and getting used to a "real" relationship before risking a marriage on it."

Debz,

Are you looking for advice on private hiring and all that entails or what to do about the wedding? I'm confused, although that isn't difficult!

Sluice x

I prob didnt make it very clear tbh! both really, i dont know where to start with looking for somewhere as im still in scotland and dont know the local area and good websites where i can look.
But also how everyone else got through the uncertainty of leaving home and starting a new life as a wife in germany.x

Do NOT go through with a marriage if you have the slightest doubt, marriage is hard enough and marriage to a soldier takes a very particular type of woman.

I think you're wise to look at 'walking the walk' before making anything legal. It's always daunting moving to an overseas posting but there are plenty of other lasses in the same boat so you'll make friends easily enough as long as you throw yourself into the social side of things.

Germany is a fabulous place to live and if you go in with eyes wide open and ready to get stuck in you'll love it. Make the effort to shop in the local town, learn a bit of German and don't be shy about trying it out. I always found the Germans a lovely crowd, very droll sense of humour and most sociable over a Wobbly or two

^^^^^ AHEM...

if you move to germany, make sure you have enough oney in the bank , so you can move back if you really really don't like it
personally i don't know why you shouldn't like it.

Also if you do don't forget practicalities like arranging your own medical insurance, dental insurance etc etc. As you will not be married you will not have the Army back-up.

Forces marriages are very strange in that I don't think many have a proper relationship as such before getting married. When I married my OH we had been together for 2 years and 5 months, which is a pretty long time by a lot of people's standards. But add into the equation the fact that he was posted in Yorkshire and I lived in Cambridge and during that time together he went on two six month tours and you end up with a relationship where if you added together all the days we actually spent together it probably wouldn't come in at much over 3 months tops! we never lived in MQ when we got married as I stayed in Cambridge for various reasons and we bought our own house so we actually lived together for 11 months before we got married yet it still doesn't come in at over 3 months spent together! We also had our first child and if you really want to get complicated then we lived together for just 2 months before he was born which was, in reality, 5 days spent living together before we had a baby! scary stuff hey?? the good news is, we are still together and I wouldn't change it for the world but I agree with bigbird in that it takes a particular type of woman to be a forces wife, and I have seen many disappear along the way in the 10 years I have been one. I think you're being very sensible in your approach and if you are able to do so, then I would definitely do what you are suggesting and go out there yourself before commiting to marriage although don't assume that because you are out there you will see a lot of him because if he is anything like my OH it doesn't make much difference if you are living together or not half the time as he is always away on exercise, course, tour etc and you may find yourself getting a little bit frustrated if you up and leave everything to be closer to him and then find he spends a lot of time back over here anyway!

I think the uncertainty and fear of starting a new life elsewhere is natural but the uncertainty of whether or not you should get married is something you need to consider.

I think its a good thing that you're thinking about it and don't just have the attitude that you'll do it anyway and see what happens. You say you're both questioning it- I think the answer is there, you both need to be sure you're doing the right thing.

I can't help you with the moving to be with him over there as I am totally clueless as to what or how to begin there- sorry.

I think you've both been really sensible and honest and that's probably a good sign for you both- you both clearly want the same things and that can only be a good thing.

Thank you everyone for all your replies, it has certainly given me a lot to think about.
I know how much i love him and how much when we are together we are the strongest and best couple i could ever imagine (even with our bickering lol) and thats partly what scares me. Im scared that this wedding and the big move will put added pressure on us and always worry that we have to make it work now we are married and lose some of the care free enjoyment. He is home for R&R in 2weeks so i think the only way to know for sure is to sit down and work through everything. I have been worrying about whether this wedding is extra stress and pressure on him being out there and should i be putting that on him, but so far the general consencus is that even if he says he is unsure its giving him something to think about and get his mind off what he is actually out there doing.
Thank you Sandramc, its very reassuring and helpful to hear your story :-) x