Thread: Need urgent legal advice - help please.

Apologies if this is in the wrong place and mods please feel free to move it if you need to.

I need to speak to someone regarding DD and her Dad as it's all kicking off. He seems to have spent the weekend poisoning her against me and OH in an effort to stop us moving to Scotland.

He's got a long history of being emotionally and physically abusive and he's messing with her head just like he used to do to me. She is not staying here with him under any circumstances.

I need to speak to someone who can tell me where I stand as regards moving (cos he's spouted a load of waffle that I don't really believe) and also regarding the contact he is having with her now whilst he is filling her head with rubbish. I know I can ring a normal solicitor but we can't afford it at the moment. OH has given me the NPFS number but the operator didn't really know who I should be speaking to and when he put me through to the legal people in Clyde to see if they knew there's no answer at all. Should I keep trying them or is there somewhere else I can try?

Trying to keep myself together but he's scared the hell out of me.

Citizen's advice will give you free legal advice and most companies will give an hours free session.

With regards to moving, do you have any form of legal contact order/prohibited steps order in place and does your ex have parental responsibility? If the answer to either of these is yes then life is a little more difficult. However to the best of my knowledge Scotland is still in the UK so you can move her with you but you have to be willing to make concessions to make sure that her paternal access is maintained at an satisfactory level. Meaning that if he usually had her every other weekend but not school hols you might have to swap to school hols so that it's more practical.

Originally Posted by Special_Tree

Meaning that if he usually had her every other weekend but not school hols you might have to swap to school hols so that it's more practical.

That's what I've offered but he says no - he's entitled to still see her on weekends as it will disrupt her otherwise.

Did he have her weekends to begin with? If he did I can't really see why you living in a different place is a problem if he can still maintain the access he has always had.

Also, as far as I know he does not have parental responsibility - she was born Jan 2003 in England, we weren't married and as I understood it, he doesn't have PR. He's told me differently today which is why I'm panicking. We've never been to a solicitor regarding her as I've always been happy for him to see her every other weekend and have tried not to rock the boat. Up until now of course!

Have a read through this (there might be better info this was just a quick google) Unmarried fathers parental rights

You're not rocking the boat you're moving house, it happens.

If I were you I'd speak to your daugher, find out how she feels, explain that she would still be able to see her dad and how often. Keep her in the loop so that she feels secure about her future with both you and her dad well in advance of any move and that way it won't matter what her dad says because she'll have your reassurances to carry with her.

I'm pretty sure if i remember righty from when i spoke to fathers have rights He won't have PR, yes the law was changed but he would still need to go to court to apply for it. I wouldn't let him scary you, as long as some sort of access is being made wheather it's sch holidays etc thats all the courts will care about if i were you tell him to take you too court. Obviously court is never an good opition but he if won't be reasonable then it may be the only way forward.
It could be the best thing all around and will help set foundation.

Originally Posted by Special_Tree

Have a read through this (there might be better info this was just a quick google) Unmarried fathers parental rights

Thank you S_T - that confirms what I thought. Interesting to note as well that that firm's fixed fee for a Parental Responsibility agreement is £420 as if that's the same all over the place I would be very surprised if the ex will shell out for that. I have to agree to PR anyway which in the circumstances probably wouldn't be the brightest idea.

Originally Posted by Special_Tree

If I were you I'd speak to your daugher, find out how she feels, explain that she would still be able to see her dad and how often. Keep her in the loop so that she feels secure about her future with both you and her dad well in advance of any move and that way it won't matter what her dad says because she'll have your reassurances to carry with her.

That's what I've been doing but it seems that a weekend with him dripping poison into her ear has undone everything *sigh*. I know that he will probably have told her not to pay attention to what me and OH say as well.

Originally Posted by Special_Tree

Did he have her weekends to begin with? If he did I can't really see why you living in a different place is a problem if he can still maintain the access he has always had.

He has her every other weekend at the moment but he doesn't drive and I can't be driving from Helensburgh to Leeds and back twice in 2 days every other weekend, paying fuel out of my own pocket with 2 other children in tow. So as much as I would love to keep up the arrangement we have at the moment, it's not reasonable for him to expect me to do that.

I think armylady is right. Tell him to take you to court. You are not trying to stop contact or even make it difficult but you can't work miracles and no-one would expect you to. In circumstances where you just rub each other up the wrong way sometimes it just takes someone on the outside to say 'shush, this is how it's going to be'

Decisions will always be made in the best interests of the child whilst keeping a firm grasp on the reality of the individuals situations.

As for your daughter, sometimes playing the long game can be hard work but just keep telling her the same thing over and over, never ever lie to her and don't attack her father to her in any way and in time she will come to realise that you are being honest with her and she can trust what you say. I know that's hard right here and now in this moment but it will set you up for a much easier ride in the future if she can see that you are doing what you can.

As an aside to what I just mailed you. If he won't shell out £420 for PR then I doubt he will pay out for a PSO.

Have got a solicitors appt on Weds at 10 with a local family law firm. They've asked me to bring tax credits award, HB award and OHs wage slip to assess me for legal aid but even if I can't get it they're going to give me a general idea of what's going on.

Thanks for all your advice. I've tried so hard to be reasonable in this situation and he's not willing to do the same back.

Quick update: saw the solicitor this morning and she was lovely. Her brother is currently doing his Killick's course at Sultan so she didn't need a lot of the background that other people may have done

We're not entitled to legal aid so just had the free half hour this morning and have her card in case I need to go back. Basically, I'm doing everything right so far. He doesn't have PR due to her birthdate and us not being married. His child support payments and access mean that he has grounds for PR but his statement that he has it due to these things is rubbish. Even if he decides to go for PR it wouldn't affect what I am wanting to do as the legal precedent is on my side.

Solicitor has confirmed what Gonzo told me - her Dad can get a Prohibitive Steps Order but the solicitor says that in our case, this will just slow things down and won't stop me from moving with her. She has advised that I put my intentions in writing asap as if he does go for a PSO the sooner we can get things sorted the better. Even though the dates we're thinking of are just rough at the moment cos we won't know when OH will be going to sea for a few months yet she thinks I should do it now to give us plenty of time.

Basically, even if he gets a PSO, the court will look at my proposals for access and in her experience she thinks they're more than reasonable and we will still be able to go on our merry way. She has suggested that I bring up the subject of mediation with him if necessary as this tends to be cheaper and looks better for me.

So I'm feeling loads better today. Going to knock up a draft letter over the next couple of days and run it by OH at the weekend before sending it. Thanks again ladies for your support and Gonzo I will PM you x

I'm really pleased that you got the reassurance you needed.

You will feel a weight lifted at the moment. Believe me when I say you will go through peaks and troughs. I am happy for you to vent all you want with me. Both S_T and I know how stressful this can be (along with others maybe)

glad your mind has been put at ease x

Gonz is right, there will be ups and downs and all kinds of circumstances that make life a bit more difficult than would be ideal. I do know how stressful it is but at the same time as i said to you on another post I think it's important to always try and remind yourself that he loves his daughter and is angry and upset because he thinks in some way he is going to lose her.

I can say this now with 6 years worth of hindsight behind me, both me and my sons dad have made mistakes in how we've dealt with things and probably still will sometimes because at the end of the day no-one is perfect. But if you try and keep it in your head at all times that all you can do is your best with the set of circumstances you are given then you've given yourself a good start.

It's taken me this long to realise that things aren't always going to go the way I would like them to and that it isn't worth kicking and screaming trying to make things happen that just aren't going to. All I can do is look at the problem in front of me and work out a solution that is the best there is for everyone involved. I'm not going to pretend its easy on anyone involved, it's not. But sometimes you have to take a step back and try and see things from everyones perspective not just your own.

I am first to admit this is an extremely hypocritical post because I most certainly have not always done this but sometimes experience is the best teacher and it never hurts to share any knowledge you learn along the way if it can hep anyone else out.

Its very frustrating that after 5 years of me bending over backwards to make sure they have a relationship when a lot of the time he didn't deserve it, he's decided that I'm going to be the evil ex and stop contact. If I was going to do that it would have happened years ago when all I wanted to do was go home to my Mum! He's not a perfect parent and I think he's going to get a shock when his new baby arrives as he spent the early years of DDs life in an alcoholic stupor but there is no reason to stop him seeing DD. It isn't in her best interests to live with him fulltime though and for my sanity I need to get away from Leeds and be with OH. It's not a vindictive thing at all and although I let my emotions get the better of me sometimes, I can't do anything to hurt him that would also hurt DD. That's not who I am. It's sad that after 12 years he doesn't know that :-\

Sounds like a cop out but: It's hard to share a child, of course it is. But you've clearly got your eyes open and your daughters best interests at hard and a good moral code. Just let that keep guiding you and I'm sure you'll work it out.