Thread: Chucking Spiders!!!!!! Monkey Tales.....

I've posted these in the Girlie forum on ARRSE but thought they might tickle a few tummies over here on the Rear Party and encourage you to share your tales of the lovely little people in our lives, God help us and may he have mercy on our souls.......

These are tales of Monkey, my 5-year-old son; he has very low spectrum Aspergers and the social grace of a male, BAAAAAAAAD combination!



Enjoy, I hope.

Beebs

Been a tad heavy in these parts of late so thought I'd bring a little sunshine in and hopefully encourage those with little, er, "Angels" (?) to do the same.....

Middle Monkey, nickname, er, Monkey is a little sh*t, wonderful and lovely, full of life and as quick as they come.... tongue of razor as I'm sure BG and Dale will tell!

Here's the latest Monkey tale.

I was doing that thing kids do to annoy each other the other day to him....

Monkey 'Mum'
Me 'Mum'
Monkey 'Mummy'
Me 'Mummy'
Monkey 'MUMMY!'
Me 'MUMMY!'
Monkey 'Stop it!'
Me 'Stop it!'
Monkey 'Mum, stop it, it's annoying me!'
Me 'Mum, stop it, it's annoying me!'
Monkey 'M_U_M_M_Y!!!!!!!'
Me 'M_U_M_M_Y!!!!!!!'
Monkey 'RIGHT!'
Me 'RIGHT!'
Monkey 'MUMMY HAS A BIG FAT ARRSE!'
Me 'I BEG YOUR PARDON!'
Monkey 'Well you told me if anyone was doing that to me to say something rude about them!'

....and I did as well, the little sh*t! ops:

Beebs x

Monkey-isms....

When told by a teacher that gun play was wrong....
'Tell that to the British Army'

On being asked if he liked the food my sister-in-law fed him on visit....
'What was it SUPPOSED to be then?'

During a particularly quiet moment in church as the priest gave the homily....
'God he talks TOO much!'

Asked if he'd like to have a go on a little girls bike in the park....
'Bugger that, do you think I'm a poof?'

On being told to stop fiddling with his willie....
'Just cos you don't have one isn't a reason to make me stop playing with mine....'

As a littler sort, on seeing a black woman breast feeding....
'Well that's not fair! That baby's getting chocolate milk!'

Beebs :lol:

Monkey has recently begun to dress as a super hero, I discussed this with a friend who gave me this long reason, she told me it was a defence, that he was realising the world was a big and frightening place and that he was projecting the super hero image as a defence.....

I decided I needed to address this issue and sat on the edge of his bed, holding his hand, looking deep into his eyes and in my best Mummy Loves You voice we had the following conversation....

Me 'Monkey, are you finding the world big at the moment?'
Monkey 'Eh?'
Me 'You seem to be wearing the Batman outfit a lot.....'
Monkey 'Yeah.'
Me 'I was worried you maybe felt it was easier to be a superhero in the world today.'
Monkey 'Eh?'
Me 'I understand it can make it easier........ growing-up.'
Monkey 'Mummy are you okay?'
Me 'Yeah, I 'm just worried about the Batman outfit and that you might be finding it hard growing up.....'
Monkey 'Who have you been chatting too?'
Me 'What?'
Monkey 'I don't wear the Batman outfit cos I'm afraid.'
Me 'Oh? Then why do you wear it so much?'
Monkey 'Well, I can pee without having to undo anything, and if I run really fast on the carpets at school I can touch girls and make them scream!'

Ah the joys of little boys, polyester and static electricity!

Beebs

That's you lot for now

What are you trying to say Beebs?
I have a Batman outfit, it was a chrimbo prezzie from my Sister-in-law.

I happen to wear it alot, in public too!!

(for some reason my MiL bought me a kite)

Apparently:

Originally Posted by Mother-in-Law Fox

We do not stop playing because we grow old
We grow old because we stop playing

You brought him up well, Beebs

Few weeks ago Monkey and I had an altercation.

He left home.

BUT since he’s not allowed out of the building on his own and his brother was to busy (wise!) to leave home, he had to go it alone.

There was packing of Blanky, picking of favourite toy, a bag of crisps and a juice were silently lifted from the kitchen and Monkey left the building. (flat)

Silently the little lamb closed the door as I stood ignoring the whole ‘packing up’ scenario.

As soon as the door clicked I grabbed my footstool (I need it to see out the peephole) and rushed to the door….

There sat Monkey on the step opposite little bag at his feet, arms crossed and a determined look on his face. My Monkey, the moody little sh*te!

And so we had it. A Mexican stand off divided by the door. ‘He’ll get bored’, I thought as I watched him slowly look around the passage way walls. ‘He’ll come back all contrite and we’ll make up and be friends’ I thought. Smiling I peeked silently muffling a giggle as Monkey, after 15 minutes stood up… ‘I WON! I WON! I WON!’ I thought as I danced up the hall to hide the stool and not make it obvious I’d been watching…..

Standing back, I waited for the small knock on the door…… and waited, and waited and …. Wait a minute he should have knocked by now!

Grabbing my stool I rushed back to the door and looked outside!

ARGHHHHHHHHH ‘WHERE’S MY MONKEY!!!!!!!!!’ 8O

Kicking the stool halfway up the hall I pulled the door open just as my neighbour across the hall opened his door and heard Monkey, in his most polite voice say…..

‘Excuse me can I use your toilet, I’ve left home and I need to pee’

He wasn’t the only one! My neighbour almost wet himself as I dragged Monkey home! ops:

Monkey and I are friends again.

I think Monkey will leave home one day. But right now he’s fine where he is……

Beebs x

This is stolen from the Split ARRSE a while back.....

Last night Monkey had a sore tummy…. he’s prone to tummy upsets and constipation. He has aspergers syndrome and a few of the food allergies that go with so I tend to keep an eye on his diet. I’m not strict, I feel it’s better to learn to cope with the consequences, and to let him experience them as well, after all I can’t police him forever! As we’d gone visiting friends and he’d eaten his body weight in junk so was paying the price and experiencing ‘consequences’!

Poor Monkey, he was in so much pain that at midnight I got him out of bed and brought him into the living room. Gently I prodded his little tummy to see if he felt bloated, which, poor wee lamb, he did…..The only solution when this happens is to massage his tummy and manipulate his legs into ‘bicycle’ motions to encourage the movement within the intestines.

He wasn’t a happy bunny but I set to it softly singing and shushing him….. Fifteen minutes later he was starting to do that low pitch whine and I knew we where winning the battle! Twenty minutes later he grunted and farted! 8O

Hooray? Well that ‘fart’ was behind the ‘plug’ and the ‘plug’ was a mix of runny and chunky diarrhea that shot out of his ARRSE and pebble dashed me! I had bits of half digested sweetcorn, small pieces of carrot, and grape skin in my hair, on my face, down my nighty and all over my hands and fore arms…… I looked like I’d been walking behind a coughing calf! :cry:

Monkey, my blessed child, sat up, looked me up and down, and said, ‘I feel much better now! Can you wipe my bum?’ :?

Mini Men?! B’ugger!

Beebs x

nearly fell off me chair... classic

Oops, There goes another keyboard due to Coffee through the nose 8O 8O 8O ops:

Great,i look forward to more tales of Monkey....what a little angel!

Could Monkey be the new Stumpy?.... Not really into sprog tales but these are funny :lol:

More a Monkey moment than a Monkey tale....

Yesterday Monkey and I where having a deep and meaningful conversation about farts.

Monkey, 'Sometimes my fart bubbles go underneath and tickle my balls.'
Me, 'Really?'
Monkey, 'Sometimes my fart bubbles go up the crack of my bum and out the top of my trousers.'
Me, 'Well, there you go, eh?'

After a short pause to digest this information and mull it over.........

Monkey, 'I like the ones that tickle my balls best.'

It'll be a man thing eh?

Beebs

It sure is and a great cheap thrill,have to watch those wet ones throu!

Another Monkey moment of old....

Monkey love his Kitty so much he likes to share.

Monkey 'MUM! Quick bring me the baby I have a present for her!'
I bring him Kitty.....
Monkey 'Come here baby......'
FART
Monkey (Now holding struggling baby in death grip) 'Breath in! Breath! Deep breaths!' :twisted:

Little B'ugger! :lol:

Beebs x

And Monkey gets Army-ish.......

Oh dear I see a future here before me.....

Monkey has a new scooter…. It has two wheels and goes REALLY fast, Smiler, his little friend, has a new scooter too…. It has three wheels and goes a little slower….

Monkey loves his new scooter…. Smiler hates anything that feels like work!

Smilers mother and I have a new regime for tiring the little b*ggers out. We collect Monkey and Smiler from school and make them scoot all over the Barbican Estate….

Smiler moans her little heart out, Monkey gloats….

Smilers mother decided today she’d had enough and appointed Monkey as Smilers ‘Coach’….

This afternoon the Barbican Highwalk rang to the sound of Monkey in his new role as drill sergeant and the gales of laughter that Smilers mother and I couldn’t control….

‘RIGHT YOU LAZY GIRL GET MOVING, YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT…………à ¢â‚¬â„¢

Smilers scooter has two wheels as well now…. She kicked it half to death!

Tomorrow Monkey will scoot and Smiler will ride her bike. I heard her mother mention a cattle prod…..

Beebs :lol:

BBC your stories of monkey are great,ever thought of turning them into a book?. I would by it.

Awwww thanks RD, but Monkeys life and antics are normal to me.... i'm the youngest of 10, this is tame!

Beebs

Okay she may not be Meryl Streep or that other swan necked bird but......

Monkey moment as I bathed Kitty this evening.

Monkey, 'Mummy, why doesn't my sister have a neck?'
Me, pointing, 'she does have a neck, see?'
Monkey, 'Oh yeah, it was underneath all those chins.....'

Bugger!

Beebs x

Today we decided to be super hero's and to have new super hero names

I started, 'Monkey you can be SuperSonicSpeedoBoy!!!!!' 'You can fly, you can run, you can tidy at the speed of light!!!!!' 'You're fuelled on brioche and fizzy water and you know no fear!!!!!'

Then Monkey had his go, 'You can be SuperSingingMummyMonster!!!!!' 'You can make cheese sandwiches and hot chocolate with marshmallows that melt!!!!' (Bless )

We both looked at Kitty, sitting in her Bumba seat chewing the ear off her teddy and blowing bubbles of snot.....

I smiled as I turned to Monkey, 'Okay Monkey you pick a name for your baby sister, what's it to be?'

Monkey, tilted his head and said, 'Do I have to?'
Me, 'Awww, go on!'
Monkey, 'I can't think!'
Me, 'Well what comes to mind when you look at our wee super Kitty?'
Monkey, turning to me, 'Okay, well she smells funny, spits up on everybody and is ALWAYS feeding, let's call her, "StinkyDinkyVomitSuckkaFuckka!!!"'
Me, 'LET'S NOT!'

He's called Monkey, I'm called Mummy and she's called Kitty...... :lol:

Bugger!!!!

Beebs x