Thread: Chucking Spiders!!!!!! Monkey Tales.....

Originally Posted by Poppy

Thanks Beebs x that cheered me up after discovering a hole in the sole of my favoutie boots was why my feet were squelching wet

Poppy I read that to Kitty and she burst out crying and shrieked 'THAT'S SO SAD!' I walked into the bedroom to try and straighten it out to find her on the bed clutching her pink boots to her chest!

I guess it's a girlie thing! :?

Beebs x

[align=center]THIS IS A PARENTAL WARNING[/align]

[align=center]NEVER HAVE A SUPERHERO BIRTHDAY PARTY IN KIDZONE.[/align]

SMALL CHILDREN HOOPED UP ON DEEP RED FOOD COLOURING DRESSED AS CHARACTERS WHO CAN FLY ON THREE STOREY HIGH SCAFFOLDING CLIMBING FRAMES IS NOT A GOOD MIX.

This warning has been brought to you by the mother of Spider-Girl with the bruised legs.

Beebs x

I know how you feel with the 'teeth' thing Beebs...my little ones teeth are about 4 sizes too big for his head!!

Originally Posted by bigbird67

I know how you feel with the 'teeth' thing Beebs...my little ones teeth are about 4 sizes too big for his head!!

His teeth are IMPOSSIBLY big for his head, he actually asked the dentist if he'd grow into them, she looked at him lovingly and said, 'I hope so.' 8O

The thing is you're a big bird, I'm a wee bird, I just can't see how he'll grow into them unless he's going to be nearly 7' tall!

I'm trying to upload a short film of his dancing eyebrows ATM if anyone knows how I do it PM me.....

Beebs x

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

Originally Posted by Poppy

Thanks Beebs x that cheered me up after discovering a hole in the sole of my favoutie boots was why my feet were squelching wet

Poppy I read that to Kitty and she burst out crying and shrieked 'THAT'S SO SAD!' I walked into the bedroom to try and straighten it out to find her on the bed clutching her pink boots to her chest!

I guess it's a girlie thing! :?

Beebs x

aaawwwwwwww give her a hug for me Beebs

Beebs,

It's been a long time but they still make me smile

Hope all is well

Saxy xxxx

Kitty's home from nursery today.

She had one of those weekends that sees you spending a lot of time in the toilet with the world falling out of your little arrse while hanging on to the side of the throne like Captain Ahab complete with thunder noises and screwed up face.

The classic moment came when she started to gag at the smell and begged for her bum cheeks to be sprayed with neutradol rather than suffering the indignity any longer. I was tempted to spray as I was gagging as well!

And so she rode out the storm until her body was drained of fluids and her backside was a steaming hot red raw war zone covered in sudocrem and indignity!

Last night and this morning showed no toilet explosions and I thought, against school policy ops: , I'd take her to nursery and see how she went, (I didn't have a lot on today, but whatever I'm up to I get it done twice as fast when I'm Kitty and monkey free!)

So we arrived and I did that mother of 3 thing at the door, I kissed her head as I checked for nits and shoved her into the class.....

Teacher 'Good morning Kitty, did you have a good weekend?'
Kitty 'Well no, not really.'
Teacher 'Oh dear Kitty, what happened?'
Kitty 'I had the trots, my bum hole is red raw!'
Teacher, as I walked off down the corridor, 'Oh Kitty's Mum!'

..... and so Kitty's helping me out until tomorrow, a clear 48 hours after her last red raw trot, as per school policy.

Now to all you new mothers remember, don't teach them to walk or talk, that way you'll always know where they are and that they'll never embarrass you!

I'm off to drink tea out of festering dolly cups with Typhoid Kitty!

Beebs x

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

Monkey’s now a long lanky 9 year-old with big teeth that make me think of Hannibal Lecter when he smiles. He’s all arms and legs and looks more like Dale the Evil Snail's son than mine.

You're mean!

Thanks for the phone call from my surrogate children and my e-bluey of Herr Monkey.

Keep the home fires burning until July when I get back, and we (the ginger tap dancing one and I) will come to visit and trip the light fantastic along the Thames again.

The people reading the tales of Monkey and Kitty think you are making bits of it up I reckon. Fortunately, it's all true.

I thought it time I introduced you to Kitty, here she is at 0715 this morning singing a little song her brother the monkey taught her!

Charming children!

Beebs x

Originally Posted by blessed_baby_cakes

I thought it time I introduced you to Kitty, here she is at 0715 this morning singing a little song her brother the monkey taught her!

Charming children!

Beebs x

Brilliant! (and a cutie)

Very, very cute. Wise words indeed!

That's a girls Kitty....none of this fluffy crap!!! Get Ryan to teach you the words to 'smack my Bitch up'......trust me, nursery will love it!!

Monkey went away to the Farms for City Children school trip when he went back to school after what can only be described as one helluva summer holiday, but I mustn't grumble, I started the holiday with two school children and finished it with the same head count so it wasn't to bad really. (Well that's the Mantra I'm using to stop myself from becoming an alcoholic, climbing the Barbican Centre roof and shooting people.)

Anyway, we packed Monkey off with a weeks worth of everything, following the list to the letter, fastidiously ticking off items as they went in the bag, rolling them tightly after writing his name on every item and tucking the self addressed envelopes and writing paper in the bottom section between trousers and toilet bag, we sent him off into the blue yonder in his tatty comfy combats and walking boots looking every inch the adventurer :-) I was so proud. :-)

Kitty Monster, as we've come to call her started Reception last week and as I collected her I listened as the other mothers talked about the letters they'd received and avoided their gaze when none arrived for me :-( each day I waited but none arrived, so I had to make do with a 'he's having to much fun to write home' lie to myself. Buggerfacedlittleshitwaituntiliseehim.

And so it arrived, the great return, i was SO excited as I stood waiting the the school for their bus to arrive..... and then there he was! My Monkey!!!!!

'Hello Mister Monkey, good to see you got changed back into your comfy combats to travel home in and how are you?'
'Hello Missus Mother, I'm good, what do you mean comfy combats?'
'Nothing, did you have so much fun you couldn't take time to write your old Mother?'
'I couldn't. What do you mean comfy combats?'
'Nothing, having to much fun, making you work to hard, to tired at night?'
'Yes, no, nothing to write on, what do you mean comfy combats?'

And here the penny hit the deck like a post barium meal shit hitting the toilet bowl.

'Monkey?'
'Yes?'
'Why didn't you write to me?'
'I didn't have any paper or envelopes.'
'Monkey?'
'Yes?'
'Have you been wearing your comfy combats all week?'

Shaking head, looking up into face then down at ground,

'No!'
'Oh thank goodness I thought you'd been wearing you comfy combats all week!'
'I took them off at night.'

Please disregard the Farms for City Children packing list provided by your school.

Your child will need.

Comfy combats, 1 pair.
Pants 2 pairs, as they will only have two showers in the week.
Socks 10 pairs, as they will get wet, fall in cow shit and walk in ponds up to their waists.
T-shirts 2, refer to pants and showers.

And that's about it, he didn't brush his teeth, he used hand soap to wash his body and hair.

Oh yeah, and a delousing kits for the return. :-(

Beebs x

Ah yes, it reminds me of when daughter-thing went off to guide camp for a week this summer. Lovingly packed kit, so much of it I could barely lift it. A change of clothes for each day (and a few spares) and the amount of knickers, socks and bra tops that M&S would stock to last them a month. All of which came back perfectly folded, suspiciously like Mummy-folding, but rancid and mouldy. She bothered her backside to manage two changes of clothes in the week, one being the weekly disco outfit.

So far as the bathing/shower thing was concerned, apparently the ablutions were too grubby to brave so she chose her own filth as opposed to everyone else's. I anticipated this drama so packed two industrial sized packs of babywipes, both of which came home in tact.

She's her father's daughter. :roll: