Thread: Chucking Spiders!!!!!! Monkey Tales.....

I miss Monkey ............

Big Slug Hugs to him and Kitty xxxxxx

Just for Joe.

As many know I'm the youngest of a tribe, ten kids, sister at top, 8 boys then me. I went off to school at age 7 and only came home for extended holidays or family events. During the school holidays as the only girl I was put upon by my brothers and their mates, it was all '**do the washing up there's a good girl!' '** can you Hoover the hallway there's a good girl!' '** can you get something in for lunch there's a good girl!'

So I spent a lot of my holiday waiting on them hand and foot, and as I idolised them it was fine.

Anyway they'd give me the money and off I’d pop to the shops and buy bread and sandwich filling, make the sandwiches up and lovingly put them in the fridge so my hero's and their friends could come home and quickly grab their lunch then off they'd go while I washed up.

Years later at a family 'do' on of them was sitting telling stories and said to me 'Remember how we used to have you make sandwiches for our friends and us during the summer holidays! God you just did it without bothering....' to which I replied, 'why should I complain! You lot gave me £x and I’d buy bread, mayo and dog meat, I made a fortune!'

Funny, it was nearing 25 years since he'd eaten his dog meat and mayo sandwich and he still dry heaved.

Beebs x

LMAO ... all these stories are priceless :lol:

I noticed that the Handgrenade (my 6yr old son) had wrote his name on the wall in his bedroom ...

Me: "HG under no circumstances are you allowed to write on anything other than paper"
HG " I did just write on paper ... wall paper" 8O


I had to go and collect a cross for my dads grave at the undertakers. The Handgrenade came with me (he was 3 at the time), we sat in the reception bit and there were a few people waiting to visit their loved one in the chapel of rest. HG started getting a bit restless and started singing ...

Me: "HG shhhh"
HG: "Why?"
Me: "Cos there are people next door trying to sleep!"

HG looked at me looked at the door of the chapel looked back at me again ... you could see his little mind mulling what I had just said over.

HG: "I thought they were dead!"

8O Well I was in fits :lol: ... I am so glad the people in the waiting room had a sence of humor ops: :lol:

Kids ... Fantastic lololol

When my brother was 4yrs old, mum, him and me were sitting on the London underground train on the way to my Grandparents. A man with a turban got ont he train and sat next to my mum (who had my bro on her lap). Mum was trying so hard to keep my bro's head turned away from the guy in the turban, mum slapping his hand away and trying to cover his mouth at the same time. However, my little bro waited until mum was otherwise occupied. You could see his min ticking over, his chance came when a stranger asked mum directions to some where, followed by my bro pointing a finger at this man and shouting;

'Loko mum, that man's got a rag on his head!'

Mum tried so hard to try and cover up what happened but then my little brother went one further, as mum got up to leave, bro's hand took a swipe and cleaned the turban right off his head!

You think that was bad, you should had been on the train a few weeks after, when a man with one leg got onboard 8O

Thats a good one i like them all

I am ashamed to admit that this tale involves me being at terrible role-model for my son (just turned 2). ops: But I shall blame it on the hormones...

Parked in the mother and baby parking at Tesco - getting ready to pull out after a quick dash round after a particularily long and stressful day - needless to say I am not at my usual level of charm and pleasantness...

Woman in a giant 4x4 (by herself) whips in to the only remaining mother and child spot, tosses a disabled badge on her dashboard, hops out of the vehicle and starts to make her way into the store. (Please note at this point there are no less than SIX empty disabled bays, one of which is RIGHT NEXT to the mother and baby spot she parked in!!)

She noticed me giving her a look and says "Is there a problem??" I kindly pointed out that she had parked in the only empty mother and child parking spot. She informed me that "it was ok cause she is disabled." I politely (no, I actually was still being polite at this point!) pointed out that there was a disabled spot free right next to it.

She then asked me "what my f**king problem was, as I already had a parking spot?" I asked her if she would be so understanding if someone had just taken the last disabled parking spot...

She raised her voice to tell me that I should mind my own f**king business and the like... I rather rudely (and rather loudly) told the woman that she had a "REALLY sh*tty attitude!! Stupid cow!!"

At this point my wee blonde angel pipes up from the back seat. His innocent tones carried quite well on the evening air... "Mooooooooooo Mommy, the cow says mooooooooo!!"

The woman turned incandescent with rage and stormed off into the store while I deteriorated into fits of uncontrollable giggles in the driver's seat. A number of spectators added thier chortles to the general atmosphere - My poor wee man could not understand why I was nearly hysterical the entire trip home...mumbling "mooooooo" under my breath every so often.

I am a terrible mother!! ops: :lol:

x
Dm

Kitty (who's nappy I must go and scrap off in a minute) has developed all her own little characteristics. For example....

The other day I was sharing a goodie with her and as I handed it to her I said 'What's the magic word Kitty?' and in a beautiful little child singing voice she replied 'Fuuuuuuck Orfffffff!' Really need to stop swearing now......

She also has the lady thing down to a tee. On the bus coming home from town she farted really loud, looked at a man next to her, pointed straight at him and half shouted, but mainly giggled 'EWWWWWWWWWWW!'

That's my girl!

Beebs x

I'm giving kitty kudos via you beebs :lol:

my nephew is two an a bit he just started pre school nursery thing at the local church hall three mornings a week and today was the last day of term so my sis an her OH had to go collect his report awww they do reports for two year olds how sweet i thought!

so anyways she goes gets his report an Oh my god,
comments from his report no s#1t these are quotes!

"james likes to play with the water tubs, and even likes to wash judes hair!"

"james regularly joins in with the group dance sessions, but preferes to make up his own moves"

"james is very independant, and takes himself to the toilet an makes sure everyone else washes their hands"

"james is not intimidated at all by the older boys (who are 3) he goes up to them an takes their toys""we are trying to learn james how to share"

"james is not interested in jigsaws as there is always something more interesting to do"

"when we are singing james gets bored and points to the drawings on the wall instead of joining in"

i cant wait for him to go to school he is the funniest little man i know and he is so grown up for his age!

Gilly to Beebs "Kitty is trying to get me to take her to the ladies loo but she has a nappy on, is she in training?" Beebs to Gilly "Nah, she wants you to go and see what you are doing"

Bless her!

Originally Posted by Gillylady

Gilly to Beebs "Kitty is trying to get me to take her to the ladies loo but she has a nappy on, is she in training?" Beebs to Gilly "Nah, she wants you to go and see what you are doing"

Bless her!

She had downed half a pint of red wine the poor wee thing...... OH on way back to the holiday, 'she's sleeping well she must be tired out....' Oh dear, only if 'tired out' is code for p*ssed as a fart!

God it's a vision of things to come, Kitty and Dale on the razz circa 2023.... 8O

Can we issue a warning to the British public now or is it to soon?

Beebs x

I just heard from my aunt that I shall be giving birth t the next Messiah!

My youngest cousin Sophie (aged 7) was discussing with her mum in the car how, because I would be having my baby "at Christmas" (well, its the beginning of January but hey - its close) and that if I "wore a long blue dress" and that the OH "looks a bit like Joseph" that we might actually be having Jesus!!
Her mum was also telling her that they should be doing some reading as the summer hols are almost over and they've not done any reading yet (Sophie doesn't like reading). Soph rolls her eyes at her mum and states "well there's not much chance of that happening is there"!!!!

At a wedding yesterday...

The father of the bride was approximately half a minute into his speech, when a two year old boy bellowed out (it echoed) "GRANDAD! HURRY UP!"

just found this EXCELLENT thread - i'm an only child and no kids of my own yet so I have a miniscule small stock of amusing little people stories.

I refuse to believe monkey has been well-behaved since february (yes, i am sad enough to back-check to the last monkey story), what's been happening since?

PS - why is the "smile" emoticon green? is it hungover?

My Lady has had to endure a hip operation and as she lives 200miles away we do all our smiling by phone now ( don't ask why I don't go to her as I would have to Lie)

Well....today for one of her first days out on crutches she went to a christening with her daughter and 14 month old grand daughter.

First hymn. my lady, who is DEEPLY religious was singing away with granddaughter standing on her knee and was pleased to see said bairn also singing away.But couldn't hear what she was singing........

Hymn ended and the whole church got a 20 second reditioning of the Corry theme tune from small child on a red faced granny's knee.




Slipper....and you wonder why the neighbours bang on the wall at my laughing ?

Monkey's still entertaining me with his wit charm and near death comments. I'm sorry I'm not keeping you up to date, but it's all go here, I promise I'll tell you a few Summer Stories when I get an hour or so.

Beebs x

Just for Stuc....

Monkey 'Can I have Armalite on my bread?'
Me 'Armalite?' 8O
Monkey 'Yes, orange Armalite.'

Monkey to teacher 'Elise......'
Teacher 'Monkey?'
Monkey 'Why do Turkish men shave?'
Teacher 'Monkey is this a racist joke?'
Monkey 'No I'm not hurrying, I'll get the punch line wrong if I do....'

Monkey to Kitty, just after a school assembly when she downloaded her breakfast into her nappy, 'Ewwwwwwwwww! You smell bad......' taking her hand, 'come and sit on Elise's lap.'

more to follow, beds a-calling....

Beebs x

Quality xxx

EVIL THREAD! :lol: I have been sitting here like the true saddo I am (the time, more than anything, the time makes me sad, not the stories !) stifling laughs between Monkey postings for the past 20 minutes. Oh MAN he sounds hysterical, Beebs!

Then, of course Satan has a little sister. :?

We went to the shoe shop over the New Year and had Kitty's feet measured, she then picked a pair of shoes with flowers on them, the lady went off and came back to tell us the little girl on the bench next to us had just got the last pair in their size.

It would have been much nicer leaving the shop if I hadn't been trying to muffle my 26 month old daughters angelic little mouth as she screamed 'THAT BITCH! SHE GOT MY SHOES! STOP THE BITCH! SHE GOT MY SHOES!' I'm thinking home shopping......

Beebs x