Thread: Dealing with a 2 yr old while OH is deployed

Need advice,

My OH has been deployed for 2 months already, but my daughter is not dealing with it too well.

The first 2 weeks were hell, she demand to see daddy, wouldn't sleep and throw tantrums every 5 mins, told me she hated me. This has die down, but hasn't gone completely.

She is a completely nightmare with her 1 yr old brother, hit's him, pushes him and is just in general horrible too him. Over the last couple of weeks she has become clingy, jealous too the point where i can't pick her brother up without her kicking off.

She has started to demanding that i ring daddy when she wants me too which i can't but untill she has spoke to him, she will tartrum till she has (he doesn't always ring everyday so tantrums can last 2 -3 days).

I told her daddy is at work which has backfired on me as now she thinks anyone going is going to work so she thinks they are leaving.

It's all very hard at the moment. But any advice anyone can give me i will try anything right now

My oh is in training so not sure about long term deployment It's hard with a child so young to sit and talk to them so they understand that they have not left that he's gone away for a while and will be back have you tried distracting her play with her favorite toy or read her a book, I'm sure someone will be able to help you, good luck

I think i'd try for distraction techniques and compromises. So for example when shes at her worst asking to speak to daddy tell her its just not possible but we can speak to auntie/uncle/grandma/grandad instead.

Do you have a chuff chart? Something she can physically do herself to see the days getting less and less.

Maybe put a pic of her daddy by her bed and tell her that daddy made it magical before he went away so every time she gives it a kiss it will give her a kiss back ( i know that sounds a bit mental but kids imaginations are pretty crazy things sometimes)

I think (or have been told by friends) that a lot of close in age siblings around that stage do have issues with each other. I know my friends 3 yr old jumped on her newborn and on another occassion she came in to find her with a cushion over his head 'to keep him quiet' Doesn't help any but sometimes it helps just knowing it's not just your child.

Also maybe see if you can get your husband to leave an answerphone message or a voicemail on your mobile just for your 2 year old so if she wants to speak to him you can compromise by saying not today but we can listen to his message to you if you like?

Been doing lots of toddler groups and welfare keep us pretty busy at the weekends which is great. But she is stuborn something i think she get from her daddy. Once she has something in her head that is it.

Its nice to know i'm not the only one that has problems with the general horribless to her brother.

She does have a picture of daddy in her room, which has helped a little.

May haven't to try with the answerphone though never thought of that one.

Thank you for the suggestion.

Hoping a a few months in the uk with her old brother and uncle will calm her down coz right now no sleep is making me very moody.

We had this issue when OH was in basic - DS had only just gone 2 and he didn't have a clue what was going on. I would definitely go for distraction as they really do have a teeny attention span at that age. He seems to get the concept of 'Daddy work' now and we're only 6 months further down the line so it won't take long for your little one to get her head round the idea, honestly.

My Mum says I tried to suffocate my little sister when I was almost 3. You're not the only one x

You know those teddies you can get from the teddy factory, that you record a message onto, do you think it could be worth getting one of them and maybe getting your OH to record a short message via skype or the phone and then she can play it, whenever she wants?

Also, have a look to see if you have a homestart set up in your area Homepage I know that they've been good to the local military families in the arborfield area. I'm with them, as they help me with my eldest (ASD) and get us out and about. I met 3 lovely army wives, last year, when they planned a day trip to a zoo. Then last month, they held a bowling afternoon for the families and again, met the same ladies and their kids. When there aren't day trips planned etc, they find a volunteer in your area, who would come over for 3-4 hrs a week to sit and chat with a coffee, occupied the children, basically they are like an in-house respite care, well worth their weight in gold.

I make photo album books for my son, he doesn't understand aswell as a 4yr old should do, he's about 2yrs behind. But i find making stories with photos are brilliant.

I am very fortunate. My dd doesn't really notice too much. I just trot out the "Daddy has gone to work" and she trots off and does something else. He has been away a LOT since she has been born though, so maybe she is more used to it.

Jo's idea about the bear or S_T's regarding the answermachine and chuff charts are good ideas though.

With my eldest I use the chuff chart because although he is 10 he suffers quite a lot when dh goes away.

Thank you so much S_T, OH rang this morning and got him to leave a answer message on the mobile for her needless to say she is one very happy little girl today (although she is driving me nuts now listen to it every 5 mins think she just likes the sound of his voice) But no more tartruming fingers crossed it lasts

Think i'm going to get one of them bears done while he is on r and r.

You could lock yourself under the stairs with a bottle of wine and a packet of salt vinegar and then wait until the tantrum has passed then come out again.

On a more serious note - you could give it a stiff ignoring. At the end of the day it's out your hands so there is nothing you can do about it. I think I would be inclined to say "if I could bring daddy back I would but I can't so we are both going to have to work out how to get through it.'

Or maybe Daddy only speaks to good girls who don't mess with mummy's brain so when you can show me you have been a good girl I will let you speak to daddy when he next rings.

What a nightmare! You have my sympathy - children who knew they could be such little f*ckers!

If it's any consolation you are not alone - hang in there xxx

Originally Posted by amodernmilitarymother

Or maybe Daddy only speaks to good girls who don't mess with mummy's brain so when you can show me you have been a good girl I will let you speak to daddy when he next rings.

Personally, I would avoid this like the plague. Last thing the child needs if something (god forbid) were to happen and Daddy for whatever reason can't call is to think she might have caused it. I know she's only 2 but you never know what might stick with her x

I agree with S_P I think using contact with a parent as a bargaining tool is not a good idea and when they are on a tour that's punishing both the child and the absent parent!

I do see where the idea behind the extreme suggestion has come from though. Kids do push their luck and will use something to their advantage if it gets them their own way but I'm sure Armylady knows her daughter well enough to know when she is genuinely struggling without her daddy and when she is just trying it on.

the wine suggestion though.....that could be a winner!

Wine is on its way :-)

Think i may have hit a turning point, don't know what was said but OH phone again to speak to miss and whatever he said seems to have cheered her up.

No tartrums today.

Knowing my daughter this is not her pushing her luck (she such a daddys girl) She is that upset by it all she'll call for daddy during the night while she is asleep and she's never done that before.

Thank you for all the advice, feel abit more sane now knowing i'm not the only one x

Maybe buy her a teddy, wrap it up and give it to her, saying 'daddy sent this home, for you'................she might use it as a security type blanket, when she misses daddy

We did the speaking/recording teddy thing when hubs went on tour ( 3 months exercise) last, it worked a treat, plus we had a chart and pics all over.
when she had certain amount of stars on her chart we would go and do summit nice....

kids get annoyed because they can't formulate what they don't like or what makes them angry, it will get better when they get older

I don't know whether this would be of any help to you, ArmyLady:

Storybook Soldiers

Originally Posted by soleil

I don't know whether this would be of any help to you, ArmyLady:

Storybook Soldiers

I want my hubby to do this for me before he goes lol

Hope your daughter continues to be a bit more settled

I was going to suggest that soleil. He could record the story and send it home to you so that she listens to it at bedtime.
have you actually sat her down and told her where daddy is? I know she's only 2 but they actually understand a lot at that age.
I sat my daughter down (she was 2 when hubby went to Afghan) with a map and showed her where we were, then showed her where daddy was. And thats why we couldn't see daddy every day.
I let her watch the good bits of the news about soldiers in Afghanistan (avoided the sad ones like the plague!) and she seemed to get it. She's a real daddys girl and she hated her daddy being away. She punishes me every time he goes and is a little witch!!

Originally Posted by amodernmilitarymother

On a more serious note - you could give it a stiff ignoring. At the end of the day it's out your hands so there is nothing you can do about it. I think I would be inclined to say "if I could bring daddy back I would but I can't so we are both going to have to work out how to get through it.'

Or maybe Daddy only speaks to good girls who don't mess with mummy's brain so when you can show me you have been a good girl I will let you speak to daddy when he next rings.

Worst advice ever. If I found out my wife had been telling my daughter those kinds of things because she (the grown-up!) couldn't deal with it, I would knock her fucking teeth out. The advice to ignore it is just as bad. Ignoring things, sweeping them under the carpet, sticking your fingers in your ears and hoping it all goes away is terminally retarded.

You are the adult here. Start acting like one.

To the OP: It isn't your daughters fault and she is too mentally immature to deal with the sense of loss she is going through right now.

To deal with it emotionally, explain that daddy can't be there right now, he would be if he could, but he is far away in another land helping people who can't help themselves. Tell her that she should be proud that her daddy loves her so much that he is willing to go away to try and make the world a nicer place for everyone to live in. Be inventive, they're only little white lies, don't be telling her he is collecting an earlobe necklace and dropping HE on third world sandal wearing nutters.

To deal with it practically, get her to speak to him as often as you can - try and have a quick five minutes on the blower out of her earshot and let your bloke know what is upsetting his daughter, so he can target his chat to that. Use the distance as a learning opportunity for her, get her to draw pictures and write letters into blueys - they're free so bloody use them! Ask your bloke to make a CD with photos and videos him on - Afghanistan is a beautiful country (in places!). The Chuff Chart is a great idea as well - get an extra advent calender for the last four weeks maybe?

Finally - don't ever watch the news while she is up and about. I don't think I need to elaborate why.

edit: I was joking about the teeth. I would just burn her with lit cigars whilst she slept.

Thank you we've gotten to the point now where she won't talk to him on the phone. But we have manage to do web cam so she can see him. Have sat her down now and tried to explain think she gets most of it, but still says daddy is at work. It amazing how much she did understand though

It's also amazing how she response to green kit my friends husband came home while i was over and she went from hell child to doing everything her husband said, and even sat there cuddling him. She has only met him twice.

Phone calls to family members are doing wonders.

Heading off to the uk tomorrow so hopefully everyone will keep her distracted.