Thread: Opting to give birth in the UK

Hi all, just looking for a bit of advice and a place to vent really

This is my first posting (been wed just over a yr), we are in SE Asia and are 9 months in to our 2 yrs and I have just found out I am pregnant We had just started 'not trying not to' but I have polycystic ovaries and was told it would most likely take me a long time to conceive -that was obviously not the case as it was my 2nd month off the pill (DH now believes he has super sp3rm ha ha)!!

It was never my plan to have a baby out here but never thought it would happen so quickly, I am so happy to be pregnant but the problem is that I am truly miserable out here, (and not like I can pop home for a quick visit) and I really really want to go home, it is starting to put a strain on our relationship! I feel totally responsible for my own misery though, I was the one that said okay to getting married early and coming out here, I just didn't want us to split up from the strain of long distance.

I have been very homesick throughout this whole tour but have just been 'soldiering' on (excuse the pun) and trying to enjoy the sun and not working (I hate not working but there are barley any jobs here) it has just got worse now with all the hormones and has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I have booked a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk about it. I just feel so guilty towards my hubby, he is such a sweetheart and is trying his hardest to make me happy but I just can't pick myself up out of this depression, I know he feels helpless and like e should be able to do more but he cant. Before the pregnancy hormones I was managing to hide how miserable I was out here but it is so much harder now, and I don't have anyone here to talk to about it so he gets the brunt bless him.

I am worried about the stress while being pregnant, I am trying to keep calm but sometimes I just feel inconsolable and at those moments I really worry about the baby. I want to go back to the UK to give birth and I know of people here who have managed to get early postings back to the UK because of pregnancy but my husband is in a specialist trade so I am not sure it would be available for him.

Sorry to go on, I have just re read what I wrote and it sounds so miserable for someone who has just found out I am pregnant, don't get me wrong I am so so happy about the little bump and we can't wait to be parents but I just don't know what to do!!

Right I am going to look for happy posts to be a part of xxx

Congratulations on the pregnancy Try not to worry too much about things at the moment. I know 9 months (or however long you have left) doesn't seem like long to get things sorted but believe me it will drag like nothing else!

My two cousins were born in Brunei (albeit 20 years ago) and lived there for the first few years of their lives, so it's not the worst place in the world to have a baby. Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment and all the things you are saying about how you're feeling would be happening anyway, no matter where you were living. At least you probably don't have the donkey sanctuary advert on TV over there

I think there's a few things for you to consider:

Would you go back to the UK even if your husband couldn't go with you?

If you were to go back to the UK to have the baby and your husband couldn't go with you, would you stay with family and have a family member with you for the birth or would you do it by yourself?

Do the above 2 options fill you with less or more horror than having the baby in Brunei?

Is there another wife you could talk to that has given birth over there? It might help put your mind at rest. I know even 20 years ago, my auntie had a better experience out there than I have had in the NHS with my kids.

Only you and your husband can really decide what to do but honestly, try not to worry too much at the moment xxx

Hey hun

Sorry to hear you feel so down at the moment. I believe you when you say it's not that you're depro about the bump, just that the hormones make the homesickness (and everything else) that much worse. My OH is currently doing the one-year commissioning course at Sandhurst, and I see very little of him. I am originally from South Africa (been in the UK almost 2 years now) and although I've made some friends (some of the lovely ladies on RP included ) I do sometimes feel very alone. In terms of this pregnancy, it's meant going to scans and tests by myself (even though I was terrified because we had a missed miscarriage a few months ago and I simply couldn't relax at all for the first 9 weeks while I waited for that first scan to show a heartbeat), and there have been many times where I could really have done with having my mum around.

And because officer training is pretty much taking it all out of my OH, I find it often doesn't really get any easier when he is home. Whereas before I was able (to a certain extent) to keep my happy face on whenever he was home, I find that pregnancy hormones have made me an open book now and I often find myself bawling simply because it's time for him to go back again and I've started missing him already! And I've really struggled with exhaustion and morning sickness thus far, but I often feel I can't complain to someone who's working 18-hour days (sometimes more) so it's been really trying at times.

What I've done now is to find myself an independent midwife (meeting her tonight, but our chats on the phone thus far have convinced me that we'll get on like a house on fire) and from now on she will be available to go to scans with me whenever OH can't, and just be a bit of extra support throughout the pregnancy. That said, I am in the UK, so maybe you won't have an option like that available to you out there. Also, people are different, and something that's a great idea for me might be a bad idea for you. But maybe a family member could come visit you out there for a while? Or you could plan to return to the UK for the last few weeks, and then you'd have something to look forward to? Only you will know your own unique circumstances, but it's important that you take the depression seriously and that you and hubby work together towards a solution, because the last thing you want is holes in your relationship at a time when you need him more than ever. One thing I do know is that you cannot spend your entire pregnancy miserable, or it WILL affect your baby, so it's a good thing that you're meeting your GP and discussing options.

Maybe all I'm really trying to get at is that you can make something work in the worst of situations, and sometimes you need to think of alternatives you wouldn't otherwise have considered. Good move joining RP though - this place has preserved my sanity at the worst of times, and the support you get on here is truly exceptional. Best of luck and keep us all posted.

*Hugs*

We should have our own little 'doing it by ourselves' support group lol. I have my 1st scan on Tuesday and my Mum is coming with me but only cos I can't take DS into the scanning room so need a babysitter in the waiting room. Will be doing 2nd scan by myself as well unless I can sneak it into the 2 weeks OH is home over Xmas. We're going to get a 3D scan done privately so he can still see the baby though

Phoebe - forgot to mention in my post. If you do decide to come back to the UK you may need to do it as early as 7 months pregnant as many airlines will not take you after that time, even with your doctor's consent. The Army may be able to arrange to fly you back closer to your due date but not sure how viable that may be. It's also a very long flight and you will be VERY uncomfortable. I found that after about 8 months even an hour long car journey was more than I could cope with x

Squirrel why can't you take your son in? Mine came with me to all our scans private and nhs and I wouldn't have had it any other way. He loved waved to his little brother on the screen then asking if he could see him doing it lol.

Phoebe, pregnancy is at the best of time but its even worse when you've got a lot of time on your hands and you're not happy where you live. All the thinking times makes things 100 times worse (i'm not pregnant but do hate where I live and trust me the time i have to think drives me insane!!). How long have you been out there? Is it long enough to have made any friends or are you still feeling isolated? Believe it or not pregnancy and the impending bundle of joy can be a great way to make friends because people are more likely to start conversations with it. Maybe it could be an opportunity to help you settle in better rather than something to make it seem even worse there?

Originally Posted by Special_Tree

Squirrel why can't you take your son in? Mine came with me to all our scans private and nhs and I wouldn't have had it any other way. He loved waved to his little brother on the screen then asking if he could see him doing it lol.

St James's won't let kids under 16 into the room while the diagnostic stuff is going on - it'll be down to some people taking the mick and having their entire family there. The same people who have 16 visitors all day every day on the post-natal ward and don't care that they're disturbing everyone else! He can come in once the sonographer has done all the measurements and things but actually during the scan itself you can have 1 person accompanying you and they must be over 16.

Originally Posted by squirrel_pigeon

St James's won't let kids under 16 into the room while the diagnostic stuff is going on - it'll be down to some people taking the mick and having their entire family there. The same people who have 16 visitors all day every day on the post-natal ward and don't care that they're disturbing everyone else! He can come in once the sonographer has done all the measurements and things but actually during the scan itself you can have 1 person accompanying you and they must be over 16.

That's a bit crap! My 2 year old came with me to all my scans (I had loads because of previous problems blah, blah) and it was great for her especially. She got to see her baby brother and it got her used to the idea of not being top dog right from the beginning. Mind you, although it wasn't really that long ago I was scanned at a military hospital (you know those things we used to have?!) and they were super cool about everything. Ahhhh, those were the days!

When I was pregnant with DD, her Dad could never get out of work for scans etc so my friend came with me. She brought her 2 year old son with her and they were both allowed in for the full scan. It was the same hospital, just 9 years ago. It will just be people taking the piss that has changed the policy.

That's why we're wanting to shell out the £100 for a 3D one - as well as OH being able to see the baby, the kids will be able to go too.

Thanks for all the lovely replies ladies, really nice to know there are so many people who understand and are completely non-judgmental!

Went to the docs today, thought it was best that I had on record how I am feeling just in case, said that it is obvious I have depression which tbh I knew anyway as i have suffered on and off with it for years. Wanted to prescribe me some anti deps but none are safe in the 1st trimester - I am glad really because I really didn't want to take them, have in the past and they just emotionally numb me, I want to feel everything I can about this pregnancy even if its the baby blues Doc said that if I have depression now it is more than likely that I will have postnatal depression too.

What surprised me most was what was said 'off the record' - it was clear to the doctor that homesickness is playing the biggest part in this depression and they would understand that being nearer a support network of close family and friends would alleviate a lot of the stress that is on me atm. If I end up being their patient for the entire pregnancy they would be putting me on anti depressants in the 2nd trimester then really strong ones when the baby is born to help me cope with being out here but of the record would advise me to see if we can get an early posting.

Was not expecting that xxx

Edited to add - was told that if the powers that be will not grant early posting then to go welfare route, explained that to do that you need doctors records of issue and SSAFA records so I was packed off to SSAFA to get that on record to just in case I needed to! Even more confused than I was before lol